At this stage of the self introspection, I have no further comments about my life history. I did approach my life from a ‘what should I do that is right’ perspective, and kind of shirking off the bad attempting to preserve what good I have left. So you can imagine the evasive attitude I harboured in relationship to anything bad, like masturbation or greed or spiteful thoughts. I kept strict discipline rarely allowing a spiteful thought, most of my shit originated from the preprogrammed desires of fame, money, a life on Earth. I was the kind of person to keep to the positive, but in that allowing the negative to fester and grow. And there was a point when I had enough of my own fears and worries. I lived the point of trying to preserve something that I knew would erode from the cleverness of evil and bad. The experience of my life was like fighting for good until the bitter end, where all energy has been expended, gasping for air, perceiving no future in sight. I resigned to my fate of sitting 18 years in school by my 7th year so around 10 years old, I looked at what was placed in front of me as the endless tests and exams of useless knowledge, and I sort of gave up on my purpose, my purpose from then on was to get whatever positive feeling I could from the experiences that were placed in front of me on a silver platter, however fleeting didn’t matter. I then decided that school was for the friends and not for the curriculum. So you can imagine the attitude I held towards anything related to school, lazy, kicked once move once attitude, reluctant, and within that a burning rage. I was angry that I had to wait 18 years before I had any freedom – call it freedom – to decide anything important about my life. But little did I realize that even then, I was deciding who I would become, it was measured every single breath.
But in spite of the breath by breath measurement, I’m still here, I am what I am, and I still have a decision to make every single breath I take. And I’m no longer in that environment or have the limitations of definitions of words that I had then. But I got really good at churning the negative inside me, letting it simmer, intensifying it to the point of wanting to leave my life behind for paltry visions of happiness, love, positivity. It is a tendency of mine to churn the negative to justify going and doing everything it takes to get what is positive. That’s like a primary pattern, accumulating negative thoughts and experiences intensifying their presence in my consciousness until like touching a bright flame, you want to reel away from the fiery hotness of the negative to the seeming greener grass on the other side that is positive. In many ways, I repeated this action. I did it in masturbation, I did it with my studies (postponing until I have to do it), it’s what drove me to be addicted to TV, video games, not so much books. What always balanced this experience though was exercise, physical activity. But I did not put 1 + 1 together to strive to be a physical human being. I was dull and slow, and I think I still am.
Yeah, this is my explanation of why I could only do so much for me in this life. I notice greatly that no one and nothing ever talks about what is best for all, no suggestion whatsoever. But that being said, the answer to my then problems was so simple, that in looking for an answer I completely missed it. The solution of who I am, the solution of self honesty. People and environments are only interested in what interest you will place as more than life itself, harnessing that to con money off you claiming it was your free choice to spend. Meanwhile it was actually repetitive suggestions, that having no imagination to think of anything else you just live out the suggestions made to you by your environment and other people. It’s mighty dangerous that we individually exist in consciousness inserted into the body, so it’s like I am inserted into the body only gaining control of the basic movement of the body, that consciousness can be moulded and shaped into any predisposition. But if we only lived as the body, understanding the totality of how the body works, grounded in reality actually so not so easy to be influenced by mere suggestion.