I want to direct the negative experience I’m having with Dad, but could this want also be another good intention paving the road to hell? He asks so many questions that are irrelevant that I’m irritated and have to not say anything to keep relatively calm. There was a point when he asked a question and I decided no, I’m not going to answer, and he repeated the question, looked at me, and blinked his eyes twice as if he were innocent within all of this. I reminisce his general history and background and I don’t believe he doesn’t know what he’s doing. How can someone who once stood in the position of a marketing executive selling gimmicks to wealthy corporations like it was his bread and butter, not know how irrelevant his questions are, that he asked, that both of us know it doesn’t matter if an answer is given or not.
For the sake of self introspection, I coined a label to label him: The King of Shit. Because he speaks these questions as if they are drawing something of value from me, in a casual manner, and he asks questions as the environment changes. If there is coffee on the table, he’ll talk about coffee. If we are eating wings, he talks about the wings. Seldom have I ever perceived myself serving people like a guest when we are one on one, but now I know the trouble of serving guests. And to be honest, Dad is at a low point in his life, with no social or economic standing to validate his words. But I’m not one to judge at face value just because the guy has “no money”, I comprehend his words, then sift it with some kindergarten maths. Just like I did previous blog. However, what troubles me is a moment when he was asked a question by X, the question was something like “What happened in the past 10 years that you’ve been separated from Mom”, and he attributed his actions to fate and destiny, and that he thought what he did was very stupid of him. He claims there’s a half decided by fate, and another half decided by your relationships. What he’s alluding to is the preprogramming, that part that reacts and leads through emotion when the circumstances arise, when the stage is set I suppose. Without going too detailed into his history, he was faced with lots of trials and tests, from business to family, I see it as testing his character and whether he can stand in that position in society doing no harm. People that become bosses I believe the ones that last have a certain empathy that is measured in the person’s words and deeds. The tribulations afforded by the social environment for my Dad show how willing he is to at all cost satisfy self interest, regardless of the social and economic consequences of his words and deeds. But useless crying over spilled milk, I listen to his words and I have a nagging feeling that if he were given the opportunities again, he will quite willingly abuse people around him and himself. Long story short, my Dad got cocky and arrogant and forgot what is real value that he must work on to continue keeping it.
I fear making the same mistakes my Dad made, because I’m his son I have his DNA and mind. His and Mom’s DNA and mind. You can imagine how disappointed I will be at myself if my preprogramming is to be the same as my Dad, and then walk the same mistakes, with the same consequences, ending up in the same environment, having to live with the same life. And don’t you think the odds are against me? I’m likely to become like either of my parents. I was raised in an isolated environment consisting of them. I’m busy with a line of writing, investigation, hoping to trace my past to the patterns that’s led me to mistakes, compromise, self interest, everything but treating my neighbour as myself. Because I was lost for a long moment in self interest, not knowing what to do with my self interest, and I don’t wish for circumstances to align where I automatically justify me walking the same path. The same shit repeating over and over and over. People like me like to think we keep many secrets a secret, but I’m observing that the most important things that define our life how we must live in the next 20 years, is like an open book waiting to be read.
Thoughts are never a secret. It’s said that the emotions and feelings associated with a thought affect the human physical body. That’s a new frontier of research I want to be part of. Any breakthroughs like messages that short circuit the entire process of having your emotions and feelings become a reality then realize how delusional they are, would benefit humanity in a practical measurable way. Aside from water, food, and shelter, how many of the things we participate in are actually good for the sustainable future of humanity, that nurture a sustainable mindset to create a sustainable future?