Day 594: Update

What’s going on with me. I worked at cello and guitar properly for one day, and I came out of it with my hands shaking and cursing in myself and believing I was extremely stressed and tired. It’s been awhile since I triggered this familiar resistance to doing what needs to be done, it feels exactly the same as when I was studying math to prepare to go back to university. I let myself lay back for a moment, with the reason that I should pace myself and not burn myself out and not create too much of a consequence in my relationship with myself through forcing, and I come to the same conclusion that my stressful mindset and experience was a delusion and illusion. I’ve “re-balanced” and there’s no stressful feeling now, but I still see what needs to be done if I’m going to be a cello teacher and that effort can either be daily, or “at my own pace”. But one detail that sticks with me is there’s only one way to practice the cello properly, and that’s to go through all the etudes, all the songs, and at least more than once. I come out of the etudes and songs going through them only once, and I’m agitated. This is where the advice to stay calm while practicing applies.

An event in my life sparked some questions which I attempted to answer in my last blog. I’m something, but I’m not a normal adult. Normal adults take responsibility in the system while allowing emotions and feelings to roam freely inside them. I can’t imagine myself simultaneously being able to take responsibility, and become more emotional and affected by events and people. I don’t know how I can justify both things existing inside me, then live that out as a lifestyle with specific times to emote and take responsibility. But what is normal anyway? Normal is different from conformity. Normal isn’t conformity. That’s a question I can’t answer yet.

Changes in my relationships occurred since the last time I asked myself what’s going on. My sister lost her job and is coming to Hong Kong. A friend and relative died of leukemia. Dad’s been here for a week.

 

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About Kasper Kwan

Currently supporting myself in the process of establishing my words in the physical principles of Oneness and Equality. Had to start this process because I have allowed and accepted my words to be established in the mental idea of self-interest/greed, and only realised this recently.
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