Life is interesting because the most unexpected ways come to face you with some questions, the rest of the time is like waiting for life to demonstrate to you it’s superiority, and if you’re humble, exactly your weaknesses. I spoke with X and he touched on the subject relating to Human Resources at the company I work with. Asking him a question, why are you acting in this way towards the head of HR? He snapped and asked me, why are you asking these questions? Tension was in the air as I was waiting for myself to answer. It felt like I, through my question, was implicitly disagreeing with his position on his relationship with the head, and he was really asking why couldn’t he exert his anger using various reasons I’m sure a lot of them are true, but the point is I challenged him. This person is 38, I’m 24, I’ve been constantly told that I should look up to this person as an older brother, he has much experience, and is willing to teach.
I don’t doubt he found ways to manage people throughout his life. My question is why in spite of his wisdom, he would still turn to something like anger and justified resentment as a way of life? His words have always alluded to resenting the company, but from my point of view is it the only way forward? I’m certain he is extensively more skilled than I am at facing people from all walks of life. This is like exposure and a reminder packaged for me to realize the mind is more intelligent, more clever, than I am that it can possess at critical moments of decisions. I wonder if it feels good that there is every reason to be angry at someone, and deciding this is the limit to a relationship. It must feel good if someone wiser than me participates in it. The mind controls the best amongst us. There actually exist people with greater skill at everything else money, relationships, maybe sex, and in a moment of impulse, allow the mind to take over at critical points of decision and in essence think and act selfishly. But even in my state I can see it has nothing to do with my immediate responsibility to direct my own thoughts, words, and deeds. I can see it’s something that X gave permission within himself to fester and develop, so it’s his self responsibility. Lao Tzu wrote that anyone trying to make good the empire will have his hands tied, that means the empire as other people as what I know to be my world, is a sacred vessel that one simply do not have the power to meddle in. To meddle in the affairs of men is to bring calamity and disaster on one’s own life, thus one remains self responsible.
The human problem in essence cannot be saved. It relies on everyone’s individual participation, so the point of self responsibility for everyone is resolute. It’s like a fact of life that one can easily delude oneself to believe otherwise. Everyone’s in exactly this specific position at the right time and at the right place, because everyone’s in their process to distinguish self honesty from self deception, to interfere and be meddlesome in this process not only compromises me, it compromises everyone because I then am not walking MY process, I’m in essence postponing my own process going, everyone has to change before I start considering change in myself.
Bringing the point of another’s way of life back to myself. I was shocked that people can know everything they need to know to survive and thrive in the system, and still accept and allow seemingly childlike behaviour. Let me explain, as a responsible adult working in the system, I always believed that the older you get, the more you consider your responsibility and honouring the responsibilities, the more capable you become to sideline your own self interest for your responsibility: you know what should be done more specifically, and act in the way that you should act in the name of responsibility. This data point is showing me there exist a mindset in people older than me, that allows them to proactively take responsibility for the system they’re existing within, while essentially remaining the same and having the self given privilege of indulging in emotions and feelings like any person of any age. That to me is queer because on one hand, you’re actually seeing more of reality and what needs to be done to equalize the forces into a balance where you at least are not standing in front of people asking them to harm you, BUT at the same time you’re exploring and specifying the world of emotions and feelings to with more seemingly justifiable reasons, accept and allow one the luxury of revenge, resentment, hate, distaste. You know better what you should want, and you know better how to get what you want, but nothing is done with the knowledge of what you should want. It’s like how nothing is ever physically spoken about what one person should aspire to, where no harm is done in any way measurably, I can see where I may be allowing myself to harm others, but in my idea of righteousness I insist on my way, instead of walking the way to end all conflicts in spite of my dislike, distaste, resistance, every reason to walk away, to let myself go my way.
Really placing myself last and valuing the balance in the forces of this reality more than my self interest. Adhering to the way instead of going with the natural flow to do it my way. Walking the way there’s more an awareness of what’s here, what needs to be done to end all conflicts, walking my way I’m more aware of my self righteousness and the interests I have in the relationship that I maintain, protect, and allow myself to have.
It’s one thing to suggest to not take everything in the world personally, it’s another to live it. I felt I was in a precarious position when X asked me the question, but that’s exactly the feeling I should be wary of, of influencing my expression to be channelled expression expressing my self interest in the relationship.