I’m listening to Rush, some American band’s album, Moving Pictures while writing. I may be earning a pittance living this lifestyle, but I’m healthier than I’ve ever been, eating the freshest food with good sleep. Today I had two good lessons on guitar and cello. Finally my guitar teacher’s getting serious about teaching me. Finally I can play the song on the cello with a way to actually get better. I must be fortunate to meet so many helpful people, which includes work colleagues, doctors, teachers.
Again no conflict to write about. But I find there’s an automatic way of living and there’s a way to look deeper while living. By asking questions to be more specific with understanding how one is living. I happen to enjoy ogling women, and asking the reason why and what it is I fear, I saw it as clear as day: I fear not getting a bloody cool experience having sex with someone. And I looked into space absolutely amazed at the directness of my own answer. But the real proof in the pudding would be tomorrow when inevitably I will see attractive women and without resisting, if I would change my ogling behaviour into the sort of behaviour I participate in when looking at males, normally instead of fixating on the face. It’s moments like these when I realize how little and therefore how much more I can live, it’s not enough to go automatically through a day. It’s easy to do stuff and not know how you do it and just accept this is the way you do it. A different but rewarding way to ask questions randomly about yourself to be crystal clear that you know how you are coming to those conclusions and behaviours.
There’s one weakness I’ve accepted and allowed to plague me. It’s beautiful women. I know I’m creating it. I must get to the bottom of me and realize how I have come to harbour this weakness. The real reason why and how I justify it. Self honesty.