Overdisciplining myself. I ask me if I have overindulged in the past, and I have, so I have overdisciplined myself. Holding onto an absolute standard of what should be done and adhering to that in spite of all feelings. It’s important to set a pace of living where rest and doing stuff is included. Not necessarily work because that has its own image, instead doing stuff to make personal progress in personal projects which can include work.
Lately I’ve forgotten and did not use four count breathing. I placed aside the importance of staying here to keep in control today’s realm, and that is no doubt part of the reason how I keep thinking spiteful thoughts about myself. I ask if the good moments were actually good or was it me falling complacent to a certain mode of thinking and completely submerging myself in a thought. Whether that thought is good makes no sense, all good thoughts are founded on great fears and good desires are often hiding great fears. Anyway I think I might have fallen complacent and that kicks in the law of balance saying I cannot ignore the bad, so the shit compounds for me to remember me. I tell myself I am my weakest link, so I am my deepest fear and I won’t be any good until I somehow release it. Somehow probably needing a stage of admittance, a stage of learning, to understanding, then letting go and stopping.
Back to discipline. Discipline is a following motion following what one thinks is good. Lao Tzu said to allow one’s desires to observe its secrets, and allow no desire to be sensible with common sense. Which means instead of following discipline, I need to be willing to go a few detours and place Self at first place, all in the spirit of wanting to place the situation and my words and deeds in first place. Meaning since everything I need to face is already here, and will be in my face, I need to place a little trust in my design and take myself one point at a time, all to actually know myself and through that being able to sustain a point of living actually, without consequences of overindulging.