The way work, a potential career, and health is arranging my time for me I do not particularly like. Actually, I get angry and irritated seeing myself planned out to the day. But how come? I am not like everyone else that has an interest that they are willing to give all the time and attention it needs to flourish into a career. People say in life you must know what you want to endure the least losses, but is it such a benevolent profound thing to specify your desires to the tee and live that out? What is the way that is not my way or deceives me to believe my way is the way? I can’t say life right now, with inadequate time to practice music but stimulation from society plus money is the sort of ineffectual friction and conflict that is interpreted as excitement that I want. I don’t believe I need a constant exposure to society to remain sane or to bring an element of interest or stimulation to my life. My mom thinks it’s vital, crucial.
I just don’t agree with my work creating an artificial lack of time to practice to motivate me or create interest in me to do it. I don’t see work suffusing my life with meaning. I see myself in work being lazy and rolling with the tides of people coming in and out of my life and for a moment, forgetting “what I want to do” and the time frame and participation timeline that it will take to manifest into another job. Three days of work plus physical exercise which demands a certain amount of effort has resulted in a moment of anger thinking to myself, ‘what am I putting myself through the strain of continuous effort for’? Why deliberately place myself in stress that is prolonged and scheduled daily?
I understand growing is stressful. My mind is projecting all this work into the future already planned out by my decision, and that makes me angry. It’s not like everyone can fuck money, isn’t it? No matter how you squeal or struggle, I got to embrace money. No matter how unequal this money is manifesting, I got to be more mature and realize it’s a long term project in making money equal. Not so much the money but people including myself that’s making life unequal.
But back to myself, because I could have been blaming things not getting to the root of the problem. Contentment and a sense of enjoyment I’m finding is important in a human life. Because just a little lacking and you’ll get restless and then you’re not silent, you’re not still, you see everyone in a state of seeming equilibrium and you not, becomes frustrating and the anger and the compulsion starts. I’m not satisfied with venting and letting this happen again. Slowing down is frustrating. It’s like you have to give up all your previous powers, or more like conveniences, like the convenience of sticking it to a person in your mind instead of really living it into reality. The convenience of deriving pleasure from seeing a beautiful girl, though temporary pleasure. You got to be strict with yourself when slowing down, strictly out of the mind and into reality. So fantasies are out of the question. Righteousness is not what is physical.
The things I would do for money. Give up a substantial part of my time plus the effort within that time (work), assign time plus even more specific effort in that time (practicing music), maintain my health so I have a possibility of earning money so more effort and time in exercising.
I sleep well just to do it again and again.
I’m of the opinion beautiful surroundings such as in travel is a self invested delusion. That ‘beautiful environment’ can negate the actual living circumstances that are stressful and not forgiving is a fairy tale self told. Do I have to find something I enjoy that is of this world, or within myself that I enjoy?