A day with no interesting experiences. I’m not sure what to write about. I usually let the day go and pass without a blog. Socks arrive tomorrow. I have a fear of being cocky or arrogant. This fear is acted on through maintaining my posture and walking gait very still when walking. I looked at a person thinking how arrogant she was walking like, then I asked myself if I would end up arrogant eventually. Entertaining conscious thoughts, I thought yes, unless I slow down to catch myself in the act. And it’s said the slower you move, the more painful everything gets, so in response to that, I thought I need some pain to never do it again. Enough pain through slowing down so that I never become arrogant again.
Pain is seen as bad, negative, something you should never wish for yourself, but I only remember good lessons I’ve learnt from being exposed to pain of all varieties. Lessons that I’ve instilled in me that makes me a more considerate person, because when you’ve experienced the depths of despair for whatever reason, and you stand up from that, you learn how to get yourself moving, plus I at least get more sensitive to when others are going through any sort of troubles. I know how depressing it can be, so I won’t wish that for others and act to prove I care. The worst pain is pain due to self definitions that you don’t want to let go of. In my case that was school, an education, and a job. It could have been a girlfriend. Life tends to go to extremes to challenge our extreme ideas about ourselves, and basically there are two responses. One is to clam up, tense up, think, and the other is to let go, calm down, direct from a relaxed state. When I see people of different ages, I see people in varying degrees of tensing up, and rarely I will see people relaxed.
Pleasure is seen as good, positive, something to aspire to, but I cannot count how many times I’ve burned myself because of wanting a little more pleasure. When I think of pleasuring myself, I think of all the times I’ve been deceived, how I deceived myself, the times I went into traps, met detours, fueled addictions, obsessions, it’s not a pleasurable thing to want a little more than what is already given. There’s no greater crime than being covetous, or having desires, Lao Tzu wrote.
But in spite of my experiences with both, a balance is good. Enough pain to realize you’re living in the physical world of money, and just borderline enough pleasure to not obsess about how much pleasure one can get out of this life. In my book, having a healthy body with no pain is a pleasure. Relishing food and drink is another. Exercising to have basic strength to live each day without feelings of physical weakness when doing stuff is a pleasure.