We’re separated into people that matter and people that don’t matter. The attractiveness of the one focuses our worry onto only one. Why do we broadcast news stories not about everyone, but specifically about one person’s story to juxtapose with the trendy fear or worry to affect us to feel more secure about our living? The pattern repeats in sexual relationships: I happen to be most nervous when stuck with one female that I like, yet rationally, how come the same weight and nervousness is not present about what I am doing or not doing about my future survival? Or how come ‘what I do’ doesn’t strike me as world-eroding, in consideration that ALL adults in situ of what they’re doing, thinking, and considering as their responsibility is stagnating the world, mentally disturbing youth, and such effects like forcing each other to make very difficult decisions that further solidifies our collective agreement to make this world a damaging place to live in while we witness atrocities in us and it’s everywhere?
There’s an analogy of self that says me inside is like a room filled with loose strings hanging everywhere, and the only real tool I have in my hands to act allows me to only cut/tidy up one string at a time. As below, so above: living in this world with awareness is opening my eyes to see dirt/strings everywhere. It’s even under my skin, in the clothes I wear, the air I breathe, it’s in my hair, yet I first misunderstand this to be all my fault hence I grow very self-conscious. Self-conscious enough that I don’t do anything, as if I am trapped in a black box with no understanding of what I control as my body, afraid of making things worse. For example, in a certain light, it’s destructive to get a job and self-destructive to refuse to get a job, any in-between choice is deluded. Bernard wrote to me during a chat saying, “What have you done that nobody else over the stretch of civilization hasn’t done, that’s so evil and wrong and bad?” He noted out loud to me that I was observing what was wrong about the world and about mortal relationships and “he was waiting for an answer from me”: a decision.
What is the right choice if every choice I have ever known has behind its consoling face/mask, a vague and deeply felt profound evil feeling that infuses into my blood making me feel like I am suffocating and want to throw up? The more I act and venture out into the world the more intense this feeling of not being able to breathe manifests into my experience of myself. I made the wrong choice when I was first faced with this choice: I chose to numb myself to the utmost in exchange for a perverted illusion of happiness. When I made that choice I also had a strong feeling in the back of my mind that I was going to suffer a very painful waking up and some allusion to a great storm of destruction within or without that means I start from “zero” again. Not really zero, but it’s like gambling on the emotional stock market, making the wrong investment, and becoming emotionally bankrupt. But in this emotional bankruptcy I can finally breathe a sense of fresh air again.
How come I get so stuck on the one, the important one, the choice that matters, the person that matters, the friends that matter, and don’t even flinch about what is making the majority of my choices? Money, sex, relationships. Money that is running this world insane, psychologically unstable, ecologically unstable, making an equal humanity extremely unfair/unequal, it’s like I see how money is motivating corporations to mow down the world with universally bad consequences, but I don’t think once that the same money is motivating me personally to inadvertently, indirectly, secretly subtly, deviously, deceptively wish for this world’s happiness while building for this world’s catastrophe/calamity. The rational stupidity of the one.