Day 1619: Looking Back

Redefining and living my past as my life’s history from embarrassment to ownership.

Right now, looking at my past that I’ve walked – not run hastily in spite of the experience that felt like I was rushing – I’m kind of embarrassed for myself. I readily labeled self interest to be a sort of disease that I did not wish for myself to partake in, so I decisively confused myself and so that in a way, I did not protect myself, I did not protect others, I did not efficiently fill my interests, I did not serve other’s interests, so what am I really doing? Without knowledge, I came to the conviction that Life was something already complete on its own, and what humanity including myself were prone to doing was carve and shape Life into the image and likeness of consciousness, and this is the sickness. So in a way, my entire life was a preventing my own inner impulse from gaining ground in physical reality and contorting Life in the likeness of my interests.

We rarely consider: before the accumulation of knowledge, we were content without it and something very magnetic about physicality gripped our attention. The knowledge needs us, we don’t need it. And I was very good at stunting the realizations of my own wants needs and desires, but it wrought a chaos of inner conflict in me. I feel to this day, that my life’s experience has been a slow, but certain, enslavement through a fuzzy logic according to the addiction to self interest where: to hold an interest in any one context is to hold the nature of self interest as more than Life itself. Speaking of which, I realized that it was dangerous to be too sensitive because the sensing would turn into a looking into, and that would culminate into a very decisive self that could wreak God’s plan. I really had the impressions that if I was too sensitive with a clarity, bad things would happen to me over and over like a punishment from a universal God. So there was a period in my life where I was dull, convoluted, confused, and angry at myself.

I also remember many moments where I would romanticize Nature, and would be looking out the window into the backyard, and wish to get outdoors but fear getting dirty. It could be an analogy of my relationship to physicality then: putting the Physical on a pedestal, yet having qualms about the practical implications of being physical.

Yet all this memory that is stored in my flesh, roughly felt as an experience about the past with an energy experience, the energy does not stand the test of time, is not durable, is not trustworthy. And all this memory adds up into a slant that I apply to whatever happens, a bias that I don’t know how to stop, but I built this very bias. Life is always here, and Energy can be gone and eradicated – with no change in the physical world at all – in one single moment.