Day 622: Integrity Can Grow

The way we interact through money, politics, society, is not predetermined. Integrity is not predetermined. The willingness to abuse is not predetermined, though it is made a great effort to predetermine this.

In the Desteni message, any part you read or watch or listen to, is the uplifting message that your integrity, though lost, can be worked on until death is the deadline. When you know you’ve fallen for money or any form of temptation or desires, self forgiveness is relevant to give yourself another chance that’s already given by the planet. That death is suggested to be an absolute deadline is not negative, it implies all the time you have on Earth are opportunities to change if you deem it to be so. All mistakes, if given and applied liberally self honesty, turn into unforgettable mistakes and turning points in your life, but that doesn’t mean everything is done for you, quite the opposite, you in essence realize the mistake is not the end of the world and the world is like yourself, waiting for an answer from you alone.

The moment a person turns is as unpredictable as what’s going to happen tomorrow. I think it’s quite beautiful when I made the decision to not give up on myself and full on take responsibility for whatever consequences is here and awaits in the near future or future. So I think it’s beautiful when someone in the darkest of their times, make the same decision and seek another fate other than the one given to them through genetics, culture, upbringing, education, money.

And there’s only one right answer to a waiting you and world. It’s the answer that you will uplift and support yourself from the ground to no longer benefit only yourself, but what changes within will maintain the best version of yourself in the real world, affecting real change through and up to the way you breathe. Togetherness should have been an intrinsic feeling being maintained by physicality and the physical universe. In spite of our individual fates, we are the world, we share the same fate.

Mad men looking for the next high like a drug addiction. The world isn’t being run by sane men looking to optimize everyone’s interactions to allow integrity and sharing. It’s being run by men who only want their own business to be protected and allowed to profit enormously through the politics and economy of the world. So like Bernard said, we wish for someone to be sane and want the best for everyone, but there’s a delusion that that cannot possibly exist in anyone. At some point because of the nature of the Physical, we’re going to have to agree and have someone act on our behalf. I don’t see why not I be one of those people, it means I’ll be searched and rummaged extensively and cross referenced until I’m trustworthy, because what do we expect from people that represent us? Nothing but the best I hope.


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Day 621: Update

Nothing stands out today. Today I did parttime, and for awhile I’ve been expecting X to be good friends with me. Empty promises, or probably some words said carelessly. I don’t understand why older people keep to their age group when talking about things that matter to them and leave younger people like me in the dark. It’s like older people don’t even try to talk to people like me, because apparently the subject matter is over my head. Something I can’t understand at the age I’m at, I wonder why people organize themselves the way they do exactly the way they do, I interpret it as a form of discrimination. But this is part of a history of society where I’m entering and interacting with something already made before my time.

I haven’t made peace with having no good friend. People usually talk with each other because they’re similar or they’re at a similar stage in their lives. There’s not many that went through the stages I went through; grasping onto an idea of good and refusing to let that go, failing university, spit out by the system until I gain some skills, questioning the corporation and capitalism, having to restate my purpose other than money, walking to this day in a massacre of personal desires, I’m the loser that was supposed to shut up and cower until I make money and regain standing in the system, I suppose people exist that had their path to money cut off. It’s a wonderful experience to be faced with money, the significance of money in your life, and realizing life cannot just be money, totally redefining your relationship to money and rewiring the dependency into a balanced relationship where it’s no longer an addiction or obsession or desire or fear of money. I look at my peers my age, and no one talks about the value of life and how we can honour that, I just see how different I am because I talk about morality and life when I’m supposed to be talking about fashion and the latest gadget and good restaurants. I’ve a disillusioned relationship to all the interests of people my age. Relationships, travel, food, sex, money.

I’m a harmless weirdo. Meantime I’m interested in how to change myself permanently, avoid similar mistakes related to compulsion and temptation and impulse, physically measurably in a routine live no weakness to temptation, and how to align the relationships that manage and direct a population like the world to what’s best for all. Transcending culture, education, religion, and implementing what’s actually best for all…

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Day 620: Extreme Saving And Spending Is Annoying to Everyone

Sharing. Managing group dynamics. Being a good teammate. Going out in the world and ensuring safety and prosperity to yourself through giving. Not being stingy. Making the atmosphere cordial and welcoming. Spending on necessary aspects that do not benefit you. Being a good friend. Engaging a company of friends.

When money is the primary concern, it’s impossible to live and give and interact long term as a good friend. The perspective is nurtured that every cent saved is a cent “earned” and “won” and “saved”. The economical choice in every category in today’s world represents a flawed product or experience that the sort of people that spend on these economical choices seem to ignore a great deal about the product or experience itself, or play ignorant, or thinks he/she can slip by and be allowed to slide/be forgiven, or is addicted and possessed by the gain of money, the love for gain as the fear of loss, and is the sort of present and giving not a friend gives to another, but the sort of presents a survivalist eeks out of his own pocket, survival habits and tactics and fear driven characters. Save too much and it’s a great loss, spend too much and it’s a great loss, Lao Tzu wrote, best to be sparing. Being sparing with money purely, only works and means you’re sparing if the character of the money system is giving and forgiving and specifically demands that the economical choice always is a properly designed and produced product or experience. Real world money system personality is the height of useless extravagance and sophisticated meaninglessness/gibberish, it’s capitalism so the people designing and producing products want to give and design as poor a product as the public will accept, so there’s room for improvement/evolution and more money can be charged for the properly designed product. Proper products and wholesome experiences in the opinion of the character of money needs a lot more investment for all to be satisfied so the end product is always more expensive, ends up being a luxury product. The capitalist, the successful one that consistently works and actually makes money, is a sadistic personality willing to starve as many people as is justifiable to make their product cheaper so more people are willing to buy their product and they can own the market and dominate in a money system that allows virtually one brand to own the market. Because there’s limited space in the consciousness of man and only a handful of brands will stick and people can only buy a handful of brands with money agreed to be severely limited.

Money and capitalism being managed and directed by capitalist characters that are sadistic and psychopathic from the perspective of not batting an eyelid in economically abusing populations and entire countries of people, being so big and powerful evading the taxes, bargaining to the extreme, not giving a single care about the living standard of the people they employ, advertising and imposing a system of inequality where virtually one person gets all the money, essentially hoarding money at the behest of populations of people giving seemingly justifiable reasons and excuses and justifications and laws, it’s impossible to be sparing in life if you’re purely sparing with money alone.

So sharing. Being a good friend in the essence of every interaction over a span of time with another person, necessitates a different mindset in defining the conditions and guidelines for saving money, you got to realize capitalism is a damaged character so any thoughts or products produced by this character will be in the image and likeness of a damaged character, distributing inferior products as cheap as can be made. Being sparing in life is not equal to being sparing with money. The definition of being sparing with money can mean every cent saved is gain for yourself. It’s very easy to construct and design a reluctant feeling every time you have to spend money, no matter what the category of spending is. You can design a victimized ill feeling when circumstances and people call for some of your money to be spent. And simultaneously, you can construct and design and feel really good when you see and act on saving every penny, regardless of where you’re essentially taking money away from nearly every person.

It’s said you won’t last long in the real world if you’re guiding principle in life is every cent saved is you gaining wealth and power, which is what you say when you feel good about saving money and feel bad when you have to spend it. Realize proper products and experiences designed and produced by proper balanced people – that’s your different breed of capitalists – can never be as cheap as the cheapest product thrown together by a mainstream capitalist that blackmail and threaten populations of people. A lot of the time you spending on the cheapest choice just to give something to everyone else is a reflection on you, your lack of empathy and standing in the shoes of another. In a money system that is the height of imperfection, extreme saving is selfish and self interested, self obsessed and weak because you’ve defined yourself according to the number in your bank account. You’ve defined yourself according to the love for money with a fear of losing money. You think money is your identity, ignoring the life that you are, that everyone is life, that requires real care and consideration backed by real movement and the measurement of movement in this world is money.

So what does it mean to be sparing with life? It includes realizing the proper choice that affords everyone the best experience is not cheap. There are moments where you have to decide what you’re going to value more, your money or everyone’s life. Which includes the time they’re spending with you and the experiences you direct and determine for them through how you spend money. Sparing with life doesn’t mean extreme saving or spending. The focus and my attention should at some point be deep in other people’s lives and living, rather than the size of my pocket.

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Day 619: Who Does The System Cater Most To?

It’s not without reason I’ve stopped writing for two days. The first I had nothing to write, the second I had a dinner. Very rare you will find a person that shares information like I do. I do it because there’s something more important than what I know, and it’s a decision everyone makes at every moment. It’s the undoing and saviour of humanity. To me it’s a matter of course that I publicize my life views because I get to test them, I have a cross reference to see if I’m living the words I’m writing, I make myself the human being that I wish for everyone to be; open and transparent in sharing common sense, thinking through before writing it down, no cons, no lies. A living statement of who I am, as I wish for everyone to be.

The young people of the 80s and 90s are all grown up now and are working in the system with a suggestible consciousness easily influenced by trends. The perfect sector of humanity where they have money, but they aren’t educated yet on how to spend their money. Perfect for the product to insert its need into these people’s needs and wants. You won’t believe how many of these people, excluding me, still play with Gundams and Lego and watch people play video games and play video games themselves; play in a world inferior to the stakes held and rewards given in real life. I don’t play video games anymore, it’s not part of my routine, I have more central matters that affect my wellbeing and entire life than paying attention to Gundams. But it’s exactly that I lived a phase like they are living now that I can’t be superior to them. It’s unfortunate the education affords frivolous ventures as a cure to chronic stress and worries in the system, and not a long lasting solution that solves the daily stresses of working and living. Unfortunate that so many reason to themselves this is the best way they can deal with life, while not being the absolute best. These people also turn to hobbies as outlets for stress like cooking, all the hobbies you can think of. The commonality tying a thread through them is the lack of consequence and how it can seep up time. I can imagine many saying it’s exactly the lack of consequence that enables them to enjoy themselves amongst an unenjoyable work and life and world. A fine line between enjoying yourself and giving excuses and reasons to not change or challenge anything about the system to preserve your own connection.

And we wonder why people resist change. Know thyself is as important an advice as any.

Who benefits from knowing yourself but yourself?

The system right now has channels of information specific to age groups and people stuck with certain life experiences. A channel for the angst ridden teen, people unsure of their identity, people unsure of what they want, people stuck with work with lots of extra money, people with not alot of money but lots of time, people with the western world influences of the 80s and 90s catering to their interests, people that value family, people that value money, people that value relationships, people that value status, students, teachers, office workers, management, scientists, builders, shopaholics. Information is controlled but we exempt ourselves from being controlled. The environment and circumstances that you live as a daily experience is also specifically managed and designed to not cause alarm and force to ask questions and specifically specially for you elicit a response of embrace and contentment and everything in the world is on its course. To the topics of debate are controlled as the factions of people that are dissatisfied and unhappy, the spectrum of economics you discuss, the spectrum of philosophy you share, the spectrum of morals you’re rewarded for supporting as your NGOs and big charities WWF UNICEF, down to the office politics that will be discussed, what will be chit chat, what will be rewarded for speaking out about, the values sold in a corporate history of the world, the values sold by a corrupt government upholding a definition of patriotism selling the history that will lead you to the same conclusions as everyone else, the spectrum of self improvement, the distraction of ascension and life after death, nothing useful, nothing really challenging, nothing to radically change your preexisting life views. The attitude is to harness the preexisting life views already controlled from birth as your culture and education, and uplifting greed and self interest while suppressing equality, being constructive about your destructive tendency to abuse, always linking parts of you to money, attaining it and spending it, meanwhile accepting verbatim the rules and morality and personality of money.

It’s been awhile since humanity has been deceived. The whole point of deception is to think you know the truth while your pockets are being siphoned and you can only trust yourself your voice. Isolation in the sharing of life views is otherwise dividing and conquering each one specially for each, in the ways it will work, with the people saying the things that will make it work, with the circumstances and the system operating in the way that it will lead you to make your own conclusion about what life is and exerting that definition with your money. It doesn’t matter who, when, where, or the circumstances necessary to divide and isolate you to only hear your voice and gloss over the rest. We’ve intended to do good only to create a system that ends up bringing over the people with the necessary words and the necessary circumstances to cause you to shut in within yourself. Believe the whole world is dangerous except your family and loved ones and friended ones, meanwhile even the system designs the experiences and words and people and circumstances to get your family, loved ones, friended ones, to support the system unconditionally and talk the talk.

Maybe the part of humanity most reasonable and able to talk with you with most common sense and without interests in who you are or what you say and do, is passersby, the rest of the world. It makes sense since we’re most behaved when we’re out there in the world, and most selfish and annoying when we’re with those closest to us.  People my generation and a bit older are ripe fruit ready to pick in the eyes of a world system of money.

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Day 618: 10 Months Before Another Year Ends

It’s Chinese New Year, so February, and 10 months before another year ends. 10 groups of 4 weeks consisting of 7 days a week, and what will I create in this time? Who will I be? What can I be doing that’s going to revolutionize myself and walk a path different from everyone else? Is it possible to live in a way against the conclusion that everyone else made with all of the wisdom they have, or will I end up the same regardless of what I choose? Entrenched in a system for survival, only able to hoard a slice of personal happiness against the rest of the world? What am I doing that’s going to break the pattern lived over a lifetime for generations? What can I do that can challenge generations of selfish behaviours, the social fabric, go against generational preprogramming that I’ve also inherited? What activities will I participate in, what will I be reading and listening to, over a lifetime that will accumulate into a force that will measurably change me from the foundation and with real inner change, is always paired with real personal world change? Timelines cannot be approximated without actual movement in the categories or aspects you want to change. What I accumulate as one lifetime will be decided by what I participate in in one day.

Ideally planning a lifetime should be done from as early as possible when you understand words. A human life is limited, therefore the message from one human life like mine will be limited to the time I’m here, though the content you can curate and decide on what you think will be the best and live that. I’m a believer that the most important parts of any life even my own is never hidden, and from the habits in the way you think you can predict and distinguish what’s going to turn out constructively and well, and what’s going to lead to conflicts and disaster. Desire happens to trail behind and lie underneath disaster, there’s no disaster greater than being covetous, meaning having desires Lao Tzu wrote that. It’s not like a lifetime’s message is decided at one moment at death, which is implied when we grow old and then fear death. A building storeys high rises from hodfuls of earth, Lao Tzu wrote. I may be late to the game of planning my life, but then I look at how many are still preoccupied with the point of desires often revealed in a person’s spending patterns, no desire is complete without a counterpart that requires money to attain. I agree it’s contained as most grow older, however the nature is never completely let go of and it remains an addiction, however an addiction contained and restrained by time, money, space.

Unsatisfied with keeping the nature of desire a part of me. Why draw out the struggle and the lines of thinking when I can stop?

I’m taking an educated risk in giving the time to dig deep for lessons from the life I’ve walked. What’s at risk is my time here on Earth. But there’s no harmful consequences from digging “too deep” into myself, the worst case is I find out what I already knew, but in that case I made sure my knowledge is true because before was just a feeling. But the point of learning from my past is to educate myself on how to walk right now planning for the future. And the nature is I’m already walking; I’m dying a little every day. It’s not like my decision doesn’t have consequence, I have to be honest to myself to reap the most benefits. Desteni is a tool to go where you want to go that’s the best for you, and also best for everyone. Bernard Poolman wrote and talked in ways that he can be a reference for me for how pure or impure I am in intent, where the nature is actions are one and equal with the intent. No message can possibly tell you everything you need to know to walk this life constructively and not on a destructive cycle. Bernard doesn’t give all the answers, but the answers he’s given are useful and that’s a merit lacking in most people’s life message. From my view, I have a life anyway so might as well give it to doing something better for myself and for everyone in the process.

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Day 617: Love is Blind

I spoke with X and I told her that I don’t believe in a blind version of love, that love is a force within my control. She laughed and said to have this conversation later. Speaking with people around 60, I believe they learnt something about life that enable them to direct life’s obstacles with calm. Yet consciousness is not necessarily a thing understood by old people, if they understood they wouldn’t have walked the path they walked. Because who deliberately makes a mistake to deliberately stunt one’s life? In Chinese literature there’s a long history and many sayings written, but in spite of history no Chinese person actually understand the global state of consciousness. If a single person did understand, they would also understand how to practically stop the wave, and if he/she understood the consequences of not stopping, stopping will become his/her highest priority. So I am not without caution and slight trepidation when pondering the seed of consciousness I implanted myself with. X’s response only reaffirms my urgency to understand the seed as myself, if I understand I would stop and stop a lot of tumultuous life events of which love falls into that category. Praise and criticism both startle, love and hate both cause an imbalance that overrides common sense.

Being elders, they talk about human resources according to country, for example people that are smart in Shenzhen are probably smarter than smart people in Hong Kong (because of the environment that requires to be directed and the standard of people that in short, are selfish). I hear this and it amounts to a modern fairytale and myth being told, but it is fact that a lot more conflicts and fraud and crime transpires in Shenzhen compared to Hong Kong. A lot more conflicts of interests exist within the laws and economy of Shenzhen than Hong Kong though. The point is knowing others like doing it by country, is cleverness, knowing yourself is strength. Why haven’t the cutting edge of our technology people haven’t solved the human crisis that is silently abounding and not being reported, and not being measured? It’s easy to see it’s because no one knows the extent of the human problem that has existed since civilization. I’m not interested in growing cleverness in me, I’m interested in growing strength; I’m interested in knowing myself more than knowing others. Because my life proved to me that I am my greatest obstacle, disaster, temptation, potential, but it’s unknown whether I am living that potential and more unknown as to the extent.

If people that lived the better half of their lives basically smirked at my view of love, I got to be more careful. The seed is superior to what I am able to conceptualize, but it’s me, I have a responsibility to work to understand and become equal to me. The choice of not doing the work is to allow this seed to unfold regardless of the original intent of the creator of it, needless to say I’m inferior to my own creation but it’s all me and mine, my responsibility. So for example, if I don’t want to fulfill the prophecy implied by X – that I will be blinded by love – I got to work effectively not just work, but work effectively with results I can measure and document. That means keeping a diary related to my relationship to love and actually testing the point to extremes. Because the definition of love suggested by X acts according to a polarity. And I won’t know what I’ll do until I actually immerse myself in the circumstances and a moment’s response will expose to me and the world, who I really am. Eerie laughter.

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Day 616: Every Time Wonder Gets Squashed By Reality

I wonder if a child’s sense of wonderment is valued at all by people that know the world is a more dangerous place that doesn’t warrant such wonder. To me, knowing what I know now, I would think I’d be dangerous if I could justify an equal sense of wonderment within me, and frankly it’s not a position I fancy having. In other words, in spite of all the value being spoken of a child’s wonder, I think all adults don’t ever want to be younger again from the perspective of regaining that sense of wonderment and losing cautiousness and a lot of the observations that in short keep us alive that we heed and are aware of. Older people like to think that their lives would be well lived a thousand times more if they had the insight into how the world works when they were younger. It’s like me thinking I’d walk a lot less detours if I stuck to practicality and realizing there’s a deadline before I’m thrown out to the sharks to be financially independent. Maybe both of us missed the point of when we were young, and instead of belittling our younger selves, we should have embraced that our naivety was an appropriate state in which we truly got to know ourselves in the processes it initiated. That I was not beautiful words remains steadfastly my responsibility.

But that people laugh about children’s wonder and embrace that it will be a temporary phase allowed in the child until they themselves stop wondering and start desires, I see it as a cruel joke being allowed and accepted by adults that they remain sedated and satisfied with their world, embracing that inevitably, the dangerous world adults create will be the future of their children. I get that parents today are oblivious to the future they’re creating for their children, if parents aren’t oblivious they would have taken some practical actions to prevent the existence of a loser’s position. But the idea of winners and losers, and competition, existed since all of us can remember I guess makes it difficult to conceive another alternative, let alone actively take practical action to realize another alternative. It’s clear in parent’s clear discomfort, they are fabricating an environment and circumstances of comfort lending children’s presence to feel comfortable. Yes the education system does not prepare anyone to face the world, but I don’t see any notion of practicality applied in the curated material that parents allow their children to watch and listen to. The material parents allow their children to watch reveal the lack of foresight and practicality and preparation for their children to be inserted into the system. I assume it’s believed that society will light a fire under children’s asses to get in line with the system to be a winner in the system inevitably. It’s not only the education system that feeds useless knowledge and information to children. Perhaps parents feed safe information to their children in the belief that the parent’s lives will be made easier, and the child will be easier to “guide”. Not really guide, because it seems parents just want the most comfortable experience and so they’re willing to do what it takes to create and maintain their personal experience of comfort. It’s like parents ride the wave initiated by their children’s wonder until it runs out, ignorant of how parents like them designed the reality to eradicate all wonder.

Being human I’m inevitably going to observe the movement of parents, and I can see why Bernard said we are in for great disaster and great trauma. Parents face the system, argue with it, deceive it, direct it like a puppet on strings, but the pervasive danger the system represents to their children is not registered, is not bothered to be grasped, is not fathomed as to its enormity and enormity of consequence, so that’s why parents “teach” their children exactly the way they do today right here, right now. People younger than me have a big shock prepared for them by their own parents. Maybe it’s always been this way, but certainly not a sparing way to implement. Not my preference to allow such unprudent generosity to a system that takes no prisoners and is exacting. I say stop the illusions, good and bad, and from the beginning, inform the child of what will be required from them and that this requirement is also their responsibility to themselves, and guide children to be sparing. Obviously at least as sparing as their parents that make it in the system. Reality is seen and acted upon by parents as if it’s the most vile nasty thing to ever have existed on this Earth. But in embracing reality, anyone gains the power of having a response and an educated response to the ugly truth. Why swat that away from your child? That’s my question. Why prepare children to have the highest hopes for the world and the surest disappointment in not only the world, but maybe in the parents as well?

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Day 615: What’s Common Between Lao Tzu and Bernard Poolman

I reread Creation’s Journey to Life, possibly the essence of what Bernard Poolman stood for. I forgot most of it, proving that I haven’t lived the words. It’s discovered for the umpteenth time that knowledge without application is useless. Knowledge that works is when you work on the knowledge to find ways to make it routine to use the knowledge. I can’t imagine, being working class having to survive yet still finding the time and having the will to define the problem of humanity of Earth, to establish what can be practically done to actually change the problem. That’s Bernard Poolman. If what is shared about the history of Desteni is accurate, there were more distractions that he could have been lost within that no one ever really challenged before or questioned, the soul, Heaven, demons, Akashic Records, Ascension. All you need to know is you’re stuck just like I’m stuck with my mind, being, and body, and we’re being tested in every way for all to see, what will be each one’s choice. Self interest or life. Love or life. Profit or life. Success or life. Family or life.

In Creation’s JTL Bernard is a lot more specific and challenging than someone like Lao Tzu. Bernard ends up being clearer in defining what is the goal for one’s existence and rather than being enemies or opponents, both Lao Tzu and Bernard complement each other seamlessly. Somehow, Bernard read Lao Tzu and developed the message one step further by sharing self forgiveness and demonstrating the potential of a tool like self forgiveness. Lao Tzu’s great, but anyone that’s read his book knows he defines the goals, and leaves the process kind of undefined and vague at best. Lao Tzu wrote, beautiful words are not truthful, truthful words are not beautiful, self forgiveness is the manifestation of that statement applied in practice.

Both men to this day are men of the future, representing a sustainable and quite likeable future. Both wrote words beyond their time, and is timeless therefore in my view, will be covered in a future education system’s curriculum and be part of the basic considerations that every child will be guided to consider and decide. By that time probably the decision will not be accepted as anything less than who we are, we’ll ensure all deviant thinking will be addressed and guide the child to the right decision. Beats letting the things fester and only find out when they’re adults and making moves in the system to realize their twisted vision.

Anyways, I have my bad habits to address.


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Day 614: Update

Grinding life and just came back from the flu. There’s pressure living, and there’s consequences if not handled properly. Everything requires my effort applied liberally for me to exist. I rejoice and am grateful for the pressure of living, it’s like an invitation for my input and my voice. The pressure means I am still part of life on Earth, and have potential to affect life on Earth to be more acceptable. First item on my list is to affect my own life on Earth to be more true to ethics while genuine. I write a lot about living on this physical plane and my way of life is not perfect meaning I still have habits I consider bad and shouldn’t exist. I’m not at the stage where I’ve found and implemented solutions successfully to share something valuable. But this list was like a hit list and I whittled the list down to a number I can count on one hand. It’s fun understanding myself more deeply and on merit of depth alone realize a solution. But there’s this one point no matter how I tackle, flies in the face of reason to remain part of my routine.

If I count the years, it was probably part of my life when I was 7. Assuming the first 7 years of a child’s life the child designs 90% of personalities and behaviours, man it’s difficult fighting against your first 7 years. Impurity is just one moment done wrong. It doesn’t matter that you’ve handled the rest right. You can say that’s the standard from which one can aspire to.

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Day 613: Experience is What Unites and Divides Me From Reality

When is a good or bad experience real? Skimming through my life most of the suffering was a matter of definition of words. The same applied to a good deal of my good experiences. I wonder if what I’m experiencing right now is still an illusion, having the observations as illusion, my choice being an illusion. Money separates me from many realities that would have been a reality if my family wasn’t here. Experience, good or bad, is probably the point that sells the most products and convinces the most people and partly because of everyone’s experience, including my own, there’s no urgency for change. Experiences can very much be fabricated because my mind is a result of all the inputs and nothing more. You see the technology of this fabrication of experiences most obvious in luxury industries, like watches, earphones. Most of the time living in western society a good or bad experience is as real as the extent and degree we act on the experience but what designs a good or bad experience the sentences we construct and hold to be real a lot of that is invisible.

It can only be measured to the extent of my self honesty. When I want to believe in something better or worse I live as if parts of me doesn’t exist. It takes a physical reality bashing heads with others to make me react and only in hindsight, after the consequences, I might see. It’s as unpredictable or predictable as you work to be. It would be revolutionary if we had means to define all our possible reactions before it happens, that’s like getting to know the seed of consciousness we are. Taking myself to the lowest most negative point, investigating my likely response, that would have been great.

Experience is the word where fiction or lies and reality mix. It represents the most subjective in me, and experience is as relevant as my most delusional experience. I could, but I can’t value my experience and treat it as value when I still like or dislike things without knowing the reason. That means I’m still flowing from something already created, most obvious culprit is my past and all of it, but if it’s all of my past what do I trust? It means my sense of comfort and safety is misguided and misaligned, not a suitable response made in context. It’s fascinating that a person and a person way older can see the same behaviour and observe different things, it’s two worlds. But what decides which is real is the physical manifested consequence which if all the consequences were communicated, then there’s an equality in seeing. Older people don’t necessarily see all of reality either. It’s not a function of age, education, or upbringing or experiences had. It’s valuable to be able to see physical manifested consequences. But 24 years old, I still don’t know what this seeing is a function of. I only know when I’m deluded, I won’t see the consequences, and it’s very difficult to communicate the difference, and what is physical is not limited to physical objects.

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