Day 483: My Personal History With Masturbation and Why I Support the Desteni Cult

Lust for women. I’ve been guilty of fuelling the lust for women, and to my limited existence of mind, it was a “necessary evil” otherwise, I had nothing to “live for”. Being discontent – extensively – with how the world was changing to crusade against my mind, from primary school to grade school, I gave myself no outlet to express this discontentment. I kept it to myself as a reminder that no matter what happens, Life is here and that I must treasure Life. I couldn’t put it to words at the time, but at one point I was thinking to myself, “Gee the mind will abuse as an absolute certainty everything I can observe of this world.”, and I made another critical decision in my life. I said to me, “I’ll minimize the damage that the mind will wreak on my life, and I’ll place discontentment as a reminder for me that there is something else”. At the time I did not have vocabulary to define what that something else is. Now I define it as Life. So it compounded like interest in a bank. At the last strands of my self imposed torture – it was as if I had space to breathe but I had no space to breathe – women became noticed by me. I had suddenly become aware energetically of women.

And that energy felt amazing. I could breathe again with this positive energy that for some reason, women symbolized practically for me. They were The Symbol of positivity to me. It didn’t help that I also “accidentally” downloaded a piece of porn and watched it. And masturbated to it once. And that “sealed the deal” for me, women were positivity. So every now and then, I started the ill habit of masturbating to porn. It was really easy to find. I didn’t question why, I was obsessed with this phenomenon that allowed me to breathe more easily and I didn’t know how to face myself at the time. I accepted my discontentment as an act of God, so Christianity really made me fear God. My home wasn’t religious to any degree, but somehow Christianity I believed to be true, the fact that there is a God watching you, and judging you for good or bad deeds done daily.

Guilt piled up each time I masturbated to women. I saw this as “a sinner’s deeds” and I judged myself extensively for the actions I couldn’t deny to myself had been done. Discontentment + I am a sinner = rage against myself. It didn’t help that at the age when I was given my personal computer and private space I moved from Canada to Hong Kong. I didn’t mind the move, I didn’t mind making new friends, but another event conveniently placed itself to further incite this ill habit. I met “the one”. I couldn’t understand it. I couldn’t believe it. Have I hit the motherload in positivity? Nothing else can be said. I became an addict to masturbation.

What I noted in my observation was each female represented an individual “feel” of positivity, and I noted that I could “feel” their energy when I imagined being together with them. So I picked and choosed extensively, I thought there was no harm since everything was imagined and not real. But slowly but surely, I stopped participating, I wasn’t so honest anymore, I wasn’t so intimate anymore, the more I masturbated the more I closed my eyes to this reality in guilt and extensive self hatred. The self hatred is why I never actually tried or attempted to be with any single woman. At the time I reasoned to myself deceptively that I couldn’t withstand rejection if I dared tried to ask any one of them out. What was real was the energy I experienced at orgasm and my awareness that I was abusing women through my mind through imagination. But alas, I had no vocabulary to define what it was I was experiencing: no concept of self honesty.

Intermission and interjection, Desteni I will be eternally grateful for because they gave me the words to define my experience and take responsibility for them, one at a time. Nothing else of this world seems to understand nor have any interest whatsoever at understanding what mental hell is.

I continued downhill through highschool. I took masturbation to its ultimate point in university. And I crashed. For various reasons, but what is relevant to this discussion is that no one cares at all at all times what you are experiencing within. You gotta give that to yourself and make it your own, that honesty with you alone behind closed doors. It did not help that at highschool, I was the ladies’ man. I was the one that every attractive female seemed to fantasize about at one point. I was the point of indescribable hatred by my fellow males. But that didn’t matter to me in highschool, I was just discontent with my whole experience. Extensively. I wanted to do well at school but couldn’t. My rage just was left to its demise unleashed and fiery within myself. And what I could observe of reality narrowed and narrowed and narrowed to the degree that when I was placed in a winner’s position, I would not care or register that at all. I was just discontent with myself. That was my obsession. This discontentment with the world and how it’s treating me, or more precisely how it is not treating me at all. At one point I said to myself, “okay, I’m just a danger to women everywhere. I see it in my imagination. Gg (good game).”

I was honest to myself that knowing what I know about myself, I adamantly refuse to inflict myself on any of the women that I liked. I would not allow it because I knew I would probably harm them. At around this time, 2010 of May, I found Desteni. The message was and still is, you can do something about your experience, just take fucking responsibility. And I was down with saving myself from my self created hellhole. I refused to wait for someone or some God or something or some situation to save me. I was impatient. And the rest is history. I am the eloquent storyteller that you read here. No one cares about the trials and tribulations that I went through to get to this stage of expression. All they see is the positive. But I tell you, read my blogs from day 1 and you will get a view of the hell that I created inside myself. And through the valley of the shadow of death, I remain. I’m still breathing. And I cannot believe that such experiences are being repeated and minds going deceptive every single fucking day I breathe. I cannot believe that such experiences and deals with the devil that people make with their own minds are being repeated. That’s why I stand as this blog. I’m here to educate you fuckers to stop fucking up your world.

A moment does not go by when I feel the guilt and shame of allowing an education system and an economic system that perpetuates nonsense. I’m 24 now, I’m not a child. Little did I know that from the very first day I was born, I am and remain responsible for the world as it is. I have an opinion. I think parents are fucking scared shitless of their children. That’s why they send them to school to be conned into the ultimate lie: the lie that you must sacrifice yourself to make it in this world. There’s many ways of phrasing it. I’m fucking angry and am channelling this rage to walk my own process. To pave the way for those that hear me. I can’t wait until the new generation kicks us old fuckers down to scale and implement an Equal Money System in the world, for the whole world. I’m waiting, but I’m doing everything I can to make it happen faster. I will not wait for you. I will walk ahead and see what is on the other side. In many ways. Thanks for reading and have a good think about whether you will help yourself or not through self forgiveness and self honesty in common sense and absolute specificity.

Day 482: My New Book! The Power of Here

Here is everywhere. Or the power of here. The power that is as old as time. In terms of what we as a humanity can do to Earth, the technology call it that of being here has not changed at all. That we are equal to what we do and not do for ourselves here in each moment of breath is unmistakable. What fucks with us? Our mind our ego claiming we are too posh to be here, “Oh I can’t face the shame and regret I have manifested here”, “I just want the enjoyment of it all and do no work”. All kinds of excuses, but note that you miss the whole point of existence if you deny what’s already here. That your insatiable appetite for fleshly pleasures also derives from what is already here, your human body. And your human body works – I mean it works while you sleep it’s your priceless passive income that saves you money each day. In my eyes, there’s no point resisting being here. You’re already here, give that to yourself at the very least, show that you care about you with your free choice.
Worshipping the sun is kind of inconsequential compared to worshipping money. The sun works. Money will gossip and make up all kinds of deceptive manoeuvres. Worshipping ourselves as we are is the biggest gamble in existence because we all know we have parts of ourselves we are not even willing to admit to ourselves because we are ashamed. It’s proven not to work, just look at the people you see every day. Worshipping ourselves as our highest potential hasn’t worked either, it’s a polarity. Doing that just “makes” us sit on our asses pondering what will never be. To be or to do, is there such a choice? In my opinion no. To be is to do, and in spite of our free choice we are forced to move, even lack of movement is a move. My thinking is since I’m forced to move, why not direct such movement to be what is best for all? If you were wondering, I wonder a lot when people refuse to do what’s best for all. Some even refuse to do what’s best for themselves. Worshipping the human body, now that’s something to do. Your human body – my human body might be the one point that remained constant all my life. Trustworthy, it works diligently, and does not know of compromising principles. It dominates our existence: when you’re sick you want to die, when you’re well you want to rule your piece of the world. It connects us to the one thing that keeps us sane = the Physical. So what are you waiting for? Do you really need more pain to realize that you are here?

If you were wondering, I was having a date with existence for a day. That’s just a clever way of saying I did nothing. What’s interesting is doing nothing really amplifies our being here, that living word. If you can just listen to unpredictability, with specifically no imagination, no reminders of the past, only breathing, you will know what I mean.

Day 481: Here Doggy Doggy…

It’s 10.52 and I don’t know what I will write. The past few days have been just plain stopping reactions while walking outside, really pushing myself to enjoy myself and the weather. At one stage I thought I stopped thoughts, but then I realized that I was fooling myself because I could still speak words inside.

About walking out in general. Already you know by now that in essence you are competing against everyone which is why you would draw comparisons with others. Stopping this form of competition is actually quite fun because you begin to enjoy yourself, really enjoy yourself in walking with all the unpredictable background noise. For me personally it took a process of years to get to a stage where I am relatively comfortable under my skin as it were. It took nitpicking myself to every involuntary movement in my body, finding the general reason for it, and actually stopping moving in that way to eventually stop competing with passersby. Meaning I’m still in the process of getting even more comfortable walking out.

What else to write. Visiting my grandma at the hospital confirmed to me how precious my remaining years are, and that I must do everything in my power to do what’s best for all. Seemingly it’s visiting people at their deathbeds that really places every obsession of mine into perspective. All of it, just mind games to pass the time. It’s like when you’re 6 years old and you’re pining to become 21 right, you push forward closer to your death finding anything and everything to occupy your mind to make the time seem go faster, then when you’re 21 you wish you had done things more frugally. As you can tell, I do not want a repeat of this cycle.

The dog here at the house taught me something really cool. She lays around seemingly doing nothing, but simply sitting down and breathing I found out: I can’t sit fucking still and just breathe comfortable. So that’s like an alarm for me saying I’m fucking crazy, so I sat and just breathed and found a helpful application. It’s four count breathing, but adding the breaths two at a time. So in my mind it’s 1 + 1 = 2 breaths, 1 + 1 = 2 breaths, and so on. I found that when I’m thinking, even this simple equation is done wrong, 1 + 1 = imagination or 1 + 1 = something I have to do soon or later. That and checking in on myself at random moments to see if I am 1, not -1 or +1, indicating energy as emotions/feelings, to add myself to reality as another 1, so 1 + 1 = 2. So this has been a few days in the making and already I’m finding an anchor point in the combination of these applications. When I’m sitting around doing nothing I’m specifically looking for no imagination and background noise pervading my entire beingness. I find it cleansing. Maybe this is called meditation, but who cares? If I can’t sit when there’s really nothing to do I’m the one that’s insane. In short, the dog taught me how to remain still and stop desiring. Because desiring at the end of the day is what propels and drives and forces you to move forward recklessly. Instead of introspecting and grasping reality before daring to act.

Day 480: Facing Great Temptation

Suffering mind relapse. I’m faced with questions: “Why choose Life over the mind?” “Is it too tempting to refuse the mind as imagination and thoughts?” “Where would I like to stand in relationship to the mind and the Physical?”

On the surface I understand that the mind is a sinking ship anyway, so it would be backward to jump back in. But that doesn’t negate the tempting nature of the mind and thoughts and imagination. That I can write such a thing means that I’m not there yet in understanding that my specialness as thoughts, as imagination is not real? Everything seems uncertain.

What’s certain: I have been participating in conscious mind thoughts and imagination again. The analogy is like drinking alcohol, thoughts and imagination seems to be able to be used “responsibly”. You can think to a certain point and stop, like you can drink to a certain degree then stop. Though writing it out now it occurs to me how useless I become in this way, thinking for “enjoyment” then having nothing of value step forth as a direct consequence of thinking/imagining.

Then there’s the “you support one thought, and you support all thoughts and their related consequences”. Like you drink alcohol, you’re responsible for the negative consequences that alcohol promotes at large.

All three questions I faced very young. I decided at that time that I was not equal to the mind in any measure of intellect, so I made a commitment at that time to, no matter what happens in that mind of mine, I would not channel it to harming other human beings. That was a fuzzy logic of mine at the time. I just saw the repetition of how perfectly good people would turn through this mind, and I saw myself as no different. Reality has forced a decision which is I now have to stand equal to and one with my mind in specificity, no doubt, meticulous planning and the like. So I’m walking backwards, and I’m faced with these questions that I postponed answering for myself all these years. It’s like I’ve come to haunt myself again haha.

I want to say that I need to do some more reading before tackling these questions, but that’s not possible because I need an answer now, I’m creating my reality as we speak. I jumped back to breathing, but no, I’m still failing and the temptation is real to me. That expert salesperson in the head is really something else. I would rather not face manifested consequences before I stop, I would like to speak reason with me, come to understanding, and let go. But my mind is blank.

 

Day 479: Power and Breath, What Self Forgiveness Means to Me

Power and breathing. It’s been hitting me hard how I’ve been born into a sick game where there are people starving, but I have to go through all the necessary procedures to give them a dignified life. I mean in spite of all of my realizations, there seems to be no impact in my part of the world at all, and meanwhile resources are depleting on a daily basis, people are starving on a daily basis. In which daily, I’m walking my process while this is happening. So in my opinion, a very cruel game where life cannot be honoured because no one has bothered to value their own life, I mean if life was honoured in each one we would immediately stop the harassment to say the very least. Given a free opinion, I would stupidly want to experience the physical torture with those I have forsaken in the money system, but thank god I’m not so stupid. It seems to me that very few people take the real world problems seriously, as a matter of personal responsibility. I use money therefore all money and lack of is my fault.

Back to breathing and power. What I’ve just said is but an opinion. What is real: this moment you are breathing is real. The rest, all of it, are diversions from this moment for whatever reasons. Therefore the only point that exists where you can make a difference is this moment here.

The great thing about pondering about this sick game (to shorten the story) is it places all of my ego bullshit in perspective. Yes those secret desires that everyone wants to have – can it really be called a secret? For example, wanting to be a teacher that educate future generations. Wanting a self image that is perfect and accepted by the opposite sex everywhere. Wanting money, as money gives me the ability to move in the system, without money there is no movement, money is the design of movement in this reality as Bernard placed so poignantly. Wanting a happy family. Wanting an intimate relationship. Wanting common sense to rule over the masses instead of politics. All of it is ego. I mean from my perspective, what right do I have at achieving happiness when that is not a given for everyone in this life. I have no right to dare present myself as happy because that has been the most abusive expression that ever existed because it justifies all the suffering in the world. If I make myself happy I have to carry that – that suffering in the world. And my puny human body is no match for the world’s suffering I mean come on! Who would I be if I became the reason for the suffering in the world, wait I already am the reason because I’m using money. That single relationship connects me to all the abuse, including the abuse within the 1%. For example, the politics that force you not to be able to help a patient in a hospital. I mean the abuse is us. It’s become who we are, automated and placed “out of sight”, but come on! You see it every day everywhere. But anyway to answer my own question, who would I be, I would be a criminal. Yes because I support a system that takes from the many to spoil the very few. That’s what I’m saying when I think my money is mine just because it’s in my bank account. No, I accepted and allowed others to take from real people in the name of money and then it trickles down to my bank account.

As I was saying, all money is blood money. Whoops I exposed the great lie. So can you think about what I’ve wrote and place perspective on your life? I’ve been meaning to say that ALL of my desires pale in comparison to getting people fed. That’s all I’m saying. That’s why I’m in this process of deleting and giving up my desires to do what’s best for all. That’s the common sense that is violently denied. You, the you gossiping in your head, can prove that. That’s why I write a blog daily where I can, because it’s the least I can do to show my commitment to those starving – I mean that’s real suffering. But I understand how real mental suffering can seem like. That’s why self forgiveness is relevant, you’re creating your story so stop, forgive yourself for your obsession with you. No one can save you, you must save yourself, when you do it for yourself you are gaining self trust while you walk this process.

Self forgiveness and me. I’m down with self forgiveness because it gives me a space where I can tell myself everything down to the finest detail, and the sentence structure gives me space to do that. Especially when I speak it for myself as I am writing it, “I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself…” But warning: it’s a tool, so it’s ineffectiveness is a reflection on you, no one else. That’s why I’m so bloody strict with myself when I self forgive: the guilt builds up when you say you forgive yourself but you do not, but either way self forgiveness accelerates the process of facing yourself. That’s what we need to do in this world: face our own creation taking back self responsibility as creator of our own convictions. That’s it

Day 478: Walking Fast as Excuse to be Rough and Rushed

I’ve become more coarse and rough in my movement. Since understanding the timelessness of any given moment, I have been drifting away from weak and pliant to strong and unyielding. The whole idea that circumstances force me to “be decisive” about the way I do things. When that is but a perception. No one and nothing can force me to do anything, if I’m stupid enough I will not accede to the demands of the populace and I will drive my life towards death.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the belief that I am forced to be apparently decisive about doing things, especially walking a prescribed pace and cutting through the crowd.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the belief that because I made a decision to follow X, X’s pace dictates to me my pace, and I must apparently take up the character implied through that walking pace.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be satisfied with only a mere dislike of X’s walking pace, and spiting my own dislike by actually following X.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use a walking pace as an excuse to take up a strong and unyielding character.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that in a life that is but a moment in existence, there is no rush to become any character in fact.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to rush in my mind out of the excuse that I am being forced to walk roughly and coarsely.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that only my mind will want to rush and force things, and that life never rushes or forces things.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that in the moment, I was reminded of how when I was young, I felt like I was being tortured trying to follow adult’s walking pace, and realize that in the spur of the moment, I did not want this for myself so I decided within to do the opposite of what I did, which is instead of struggling, “take command” and blaze through life angry and resentful while “owning” that walking pace.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the belief that there is ever a reason to be angry and resentful.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that being angry and resentful bringing the point back to Self, means I am not considering a part of myself that I am deliberately neglecting for whatever excuse.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to demonize a specific walking pace polarizing my existence into good and bad, and disempowering myself when I, in short, need to walk faster.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to assign characters to each walking pace, as if that is reality.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that characters and walking paces do not correlate unless I have made it so in my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define a fast walking pace as conducive to participating in my mind, instead of learning to breathe life into a fast walking pace as well as a slow one.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get stuck in an observation that this faster walking pace supports the mind rushing and forcing things, instead of bringing this observation into participation and realizing that I am still here breathing regardless, therefore I can still support myself as Life regardless.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the belief that a faster walking pace has to support my mind as forcing and rushing, instead of breathing through the faster walking pace to discover myself unscathed constant.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to preoccupy my mind with temporary flashes of others either accepting me or not, while/as I was walking faster.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to apply myself to be here in the very physical movement of my body as I walk faster, and instead played to the mind’s strengths of “finding self acceptance in the acceptance of passersby”.

 

 

Day 478: Get The X Out

Today I reacted to X when X decided to pick and choose from my meal, what X decided was to X’s taste. I can’t imagine this, this is real time practical living. Am I supposed to allow X to “freely choose”? Am I supposed to be the dictator that dictate what piece of meat X should eat?

I was not careful enough in choosing the first two pieces; it probably triggered a reaction in X, thinking I purposely gave X the worst two bits. Because the next two pieces I chose to give also, it was not to X’s liking. Being the nice person I am, I asked X what piece X would like. To which X immediately inspected each piece very carefully, yet very quickly. Observing X’s indecision and X’s way of life I reacted in anger. Anger is always fear.

I feared not having any good pieces left for myself. I feared being placed in a position where X “freely” chose parts of me and discard the rest, meaning the point of being left with the most “inferior position” because of X choosing to be in the best one. I feared not having enough in general, because of allowing X to choose “all the best bits” leaving me in a position of lack. I feared X betraying my trust in X to give as X would like to receive. I feared my way of life being interfered with by allowing X to “freely” choose. I feared being victim to X’s selection process.

There’s an aspect of self victimization where I am imagining how it would be to work with X through the smaller as a simple meal. Observing X I totally disagree with X’s choice to be this way: a human being that only choose what is best for X, and leaves the remains for others to choke on. Like in a simple meal with X, I can confirm X will not have my back when the shit hits the fan. No relationship of willing co-dependence, only unwilling co-dependence and when given space, a relationship of pure taking. I shouldn’t fear people like this because they only abuse when given space, like when I gave X space to choose. I shouldn’t fear being and becoming like X because my self honesty will ‘guide’ me back to giving as I would like to receive.

So I fear becoming X. That’s the point that triggered anger. It’s not like I don’t feel the consequences that X is creating for the world in the smaller like eating a meal. So that participation and experiencing, for lack of a better word, X’s participation I was not satisfied. It’s an experience, for lack of a better word, to participate with X. One I was not satisfied in ‘letting it go’ and ‘letting her choose’. Maybe I got angry because I was accepting from X an action that I would not allow myself to get away with, that I identify as abusive. But at the end, it’s just a few pieces of meat. But at the end, it’s the participation of me and X, accordingly through which we create our world.

Conclusion: I was angry because I was accepting and allowing an expression from X that was less than who I am, what I stand as. And being equally vulnerable to the phenomenon of participation, I was fearful of that aspect of greed X represented, infiltrating my life through simple easy acceptance and allowance, which I will not accept or allow hence the anger.

When walking myself to a life of integrity, I will suggest to me to not accept anything less than who I am. That doesn’t mean to shut the world off, but to remain here as it. If I do accept anything less, I will experience anger: that is a certainty and my vulnerability as but one human being co-dependent on other human beings to live. Vulnerable because I will not have integrity unless I live it in fact, and it shows in all aspects of my life without and within and becomes no secret.

Also another aspect I found is the mind construct of being nice. How can I be nice if I am not even nice to myself by not accepting and allowing anything less than who I am? Being nice includes being assertive and firm when dealing with abusers, but specifically NOT violent. Violence is a self retrieved omen. I made the mistake of “being nice” to X ignoring how X behaves, thus manifesting the space for X to abuse. I am responsible for X as myself if I give X space to abuse. I know it – hence the anger.

Day 477: Timelessness in a Moment

Timelessness in any given moment. Maybe the reason why there is something irresistable in chasing after today’s trends is because we’re all looking for that relevance, that something that is here when all participate as one. It just occurred to me that timelessness exists in any given moment, with all sounds and to a lesser degree, all the colours and shapes we see. There is never a single moment that is totally the same. Similar yes, but not the same. And if we only think about the human participants that make such sound in the city, excluding the animals and plants, the sound is never the same. But in our mind, background noise is background noise, always a slight hum in our consciousness, kind of spitting in the face of existence as all that make it possible the sound that we hear. And like playing any instrument, no one makes exactly the same sound with it; everybody’s footsteps sound different for example.

I’m not here to argue about why people’s footsteps sound different, I’m here in writing to document an absolutely alive phenomenon called background noise. I’m here to encourage you to get out of your head/thoughts and step into the world on your own two feet with your own two ears to listen. Every sound like a car has depth to it. Do you notice? A person angry or a person sad putting down a cup is also a different sound. The list goes on.

Maybe people use today’s trends as a medium to communicate themselves to others that in a weird way, I care about you. Too bad such attention given to today’s trends is not placed into for example, creating an economic system that will really care for all its citizens. Too bad care has been defined according to materialistic symbols that do something to the mind and imprints as positive. Too bad care is not defined as the heart to place oneself in another’s shoes and appreciating them for what they do and don’t do. It’s strange how being relevant makes me irrelevant.

Certainly we’ll be only a number by the time the mind is done with us, done with me, because all I can equate a person to is the money they are able to funnel to me. But obvious: a person is not money. A person breathes the same air that I do. We all shit the same way. Our physical design is so complex and so amazing that our science can only chase after the cutting edge. Reminds me of how I was taught at a young age to want to be a piece of equipment, more trustworthy and powerful than flesh. That’s it.

Day 476: Is Nature Godly? What is Your Decision to Relate to Nature?

It’s only now that I notice the nature of the sun. Nature in general. How nature in its movement is slow but steady yet gentle and unmoveable. It’s an example of how life should be for me, so in the face of such godliness I am like a gossiping woman finding anything and everything to judge about nature. Through the very way I physically move for example, the thoughts words and deeds that propel me to go faster. And here is this creation that is ultimately functional, that says to go slower.

Being one person, I’m not intimidated by nature though I should be: the sun goes on everywhere and the rain goes on everywhere and the list goes on. It’s strange but intimately familiar at the same time. Strange as a mind trying to make sense of the world. Intimately familiar as my first meeting with existence I can remember. I observed something quite funny: I live in the city so there are cars moving and lots of noise. I asked one funny question: fine all around me is moving, but has human nature moved at all? Not really… We read the same old shit, greed is untouched, desire is given free reign, we are systematically destroying our maker the Earth. We are made of flesh, aren’t we? So what is funny is how we create the illusion of movement using, the Earth, yet self movement and moving our human nature to be better is practically nonexistent as a species. Because what is more godly than our cars and noise is that which “created” them as human nature; advertisers are aware, you control human nature, you control the markets. And this is an individual acceptance and allowance that happens, personally for each one specifically, when you allow a loved one or something like a situation all summed up as experiences, to mislead you. Because what is the obvious: all my experiences on Earth have been a ruse to get me to accept and allow abuse in every possible way. To rush and glide through and skim through my life like a story, instead of actually being that life and directing myself as this life through, life.

What is more important than all the glitz and glamour is the very life we exchange for glamour. Seeing this macroscopically, what is more important than the cars and noise is the human nature that ‘guides’ each individually to make a ruckus. But human nature is downplayed and disregarded to the ultimate, it’s like we don’t want to be human we want to be icons. But a symbol of success in our own opinion. We don’t want the real success of creating a functional environment for all humans to do what is best for all. But I’m speculating…

What to take away: the next high is not the one to watch out for, it’s your human nature that ‘guides’ you to atrocious decisions sometimes. Anyone that has thought about their life story will agree wholeheartedly. Why not investigate it?

In the mean time, I’ll be investigating my relationship to nature.

Day 475: Masterful

Desiring to be a master of this reality. I’ve asked myself the question, in relation to imagining the future, “What do I desire to happen to me?” The answer was to be a master at some point and uplifting and supporting others to be equal to my ability. But the priority is being a master of this world. Wanting a form of self assurance self confidence in myself, that no matter what I face I will be there for myself to support myself, and doing so effectively.

I want to think that everyone wants to master their reality. Removing my specialness in this matter. An example would be playing the cello well. I’m finding that it’s not only what I do that matters, it’s the decision I make as to what kind of motion I dedicate myself to, to play. The who I am and my starting point is equally important as what I do. You can hear it. I want to master playing the cello. But at one point of the process of discovery, because we live in a physical reality, it stops and who am I. Meaning what do I make of all the so-called scientific discoveries to the physics of playing the cello. At the end of the day it’s just me playing some tunes, I’m vulnerable it’s me and four strings. So in my experience all the physics is just a ruse for the cello to – provided I’m dedicated to mastering it – for the cello to ask me who I am, and I answer with my sound. And my sound can be heard so it’s no secret.

Back to mastering this reality. In idle moments I’m possessed with imagining my future. What does this indicate? It means I’m not willing to go to the lengths to actually create my future in my own hands using this moment. I would rather feel good and nice imagining a bright future. Heck I’m not here, I’m imagining the future. This has been a problem for me in romantic relationships as well, I felt content just imagining being in a relationship. I must decide, as I’m deciding in every moment: will I actually do it? In this nothing is certain, because the only thing that is ever certain in my experience is my mind. Physical reality I have found I never bothered to investigate. The mind is like a lover that makes tons of empty promises but I am still hypnotized by these promises.

What it will ‘take from me’ to actually do it is using something I deliberately disregarded for a sense of direction sponsored by my mind = myself. It’s hard to stand as yourself when all these years you’ve been denying it. But this and the uncertainty point are just excuses at the end. If I’m willing it doesn’t matter what I will face because I will direct the situation and myself accordingly.

So what to take away from this. Knowledge is useless, knowledge is weakness. Strength is the willingness, your decision you have to make for yourself. Integrity is more valuable than cleverness in the eyes of Life; it’s proven by the extent of access you have to this physical reality = I can’t make the bloody sound I want from my cello. Write the first blog if you can, test self forgiveness for yourself, and test yourself through self forgiveness.

Take aways for me. It’s not so simple. It’s not as simple as breathing and deciding and that’s it. I actually have to face my own insecurities and understand them completely before I can let them go.