Day 406: My Relationship with Unfairness -A Dichotomy

My relationship with unfairness.

Basically, I feared being treated unfairly, not being given accurate feedback from my reality and frowned upon it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being treated unfairly, to the extent of not daring to investigate what unfairness is and can be in the process to the journey to Life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to label unfairness as ‘bad’ and ‘evil’.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that being treated unfairly is like a human being, becoming traitor and betraying me as a human being by not treating me as their equal.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize the lie within ‘unfairness is bad and evil’, to realize that I get to know others the best through their ‘weakest link’ that is when they are being unfair towards others through gossip or simply treating me unfairly.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that unfairness is an opportunity to self intimacy as making a pact with myself to know thyself as know myself as who am I when I am in the ‘valley of death’ as the worst scenario, whether I stand or fall in applying the principle of doing what’s best for all always.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame myself for missing this piece of the puzzle to self fulfillment as correcting and aligning my relationship with unfairness, i.e. my relationship to being treated unfairly, to what is best for all.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that I cannot fulfil myself as long as I cannot identify what *I* can do about being treated unfairly, and being given a ‘fuck you’ by others through being treated unfairly.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see realize and understand unfairness as just another window to get to know myself, as living the question and following through with the process of answering the question, who am I in the worst case.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that unfairness as being treated unfairly is like the most evil and backward thing a person can do to spite another, it is most evil because in the long term everyone loses by losing your trust in yourself to give what is best, and losing the trust of others to rely on you.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the most evil thing in the world as unfairness to roam freely in my world and within myself as my mind, by pretending to be powerless to do anything about when I see the word ‘unfair’ being lived into reality, fearing unfairness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe unfairness to be an evil that cannot be fathomed, as an evil that cannot be stopped because of it’s invisible nature apparently.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that unfairness manifests itself in the form of thoughts, words, and deeds from myself and from others, and that the first step to stopping accepting and allowing unfairness in my world is to stop such unfair thoughts, words, and deeds in myself first, and that the Desteni process is such that it makes it possible to stop my unfair backchat through a process of self forgiveness applied in self honesty, and is a public process of living the statement, “I am , alone, responsible for the shit in my mind, that leaks out in my words and deeds.”

Therefore I must be the one to change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe unfairness as ‘when I feel being treated unfairly’, to be because of an invisible force that propel human beings as my friends and family, to treat me unfair, when it is only human beings making a free choice to be unfair to me.

Therefore I must take responsibility for what I see and that I only can see what I understand, and that I can only understand what I am already living out.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give other human beings that treat me unfairly, the benefit of the doubt to the extent that I give them the excuse that ‘they are not the ones being unfair, it is something else motivating them to harm me and if that cause were eradicated, they would not do such a thing as be unfair to me.’ Thus Equal Money gives everyone a reason to be fair at the very least.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience a sense of powerlessness towards people being unfair to me, like when a person thinks the wrong answer is the right answer – there is like nothing you can do about it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to underestimate the things I can do as one God/man + one God/man, so given a relationship needs TWO gods/men, and given that one God is creating unfairness, I have a responsiblity to negate it roughly speaking, through treating the other God/man as the material for the good and processing it into something worthy of Life.

Processing it as processing the information I receive from my physical senses, what the other person has said and done, and finding solutions to what has already been said and done. Not fearing it and being angry or frowning and walking away from it, but facing it head on as the God/man that I am, and daring to forgive both parties, daring to process this material to something resembling Life worth living/lives worth living.

Day 405: Mastering Positivity

I’m confused. Lately I’ve been focusing on trying to focus on my body and I “can’t”. Mostly I’ve been worrying about where I place in the hierarchy of human society, well, my slice of society.

Thirty spokes share one hub. So what I see for now as to the pattern showing itself from what I’ve been thinking, is I fear losing social standing. I fear the what if fear, I fear not enjoying myself enough or not as much as others, I fear missing out on the good stuff, I fear losing my job and through that my social standing, I fear not being good enough to hold my own future in my own hands so to speak, I fear losing what I’ve desperately tried to hoard, where what I’ve hoarded includes money, energy, feelings, giving people an experience when they’re with me, novelty.

So basically in spite of the 1 2 3 4 breathing in and out, “in between” I have been having these thoughts mainly around where I stand in my world. Instead of not giving a shit about what others think and standing for what I accept and allow and what I should accept and allow that is best. There was an ‘aha’ moment when I observed the obvious that at some stage of being subjected to all these double standards, lying, cheating, stealing, that I must at some stage decide who I am within it all, what I will be. That decision is proving illusive and probably simpler than what I think it is. Not so much a forcing me to but a decision.

I have also been investigating the point of the lucky draw, of being lucky to find a workplace that is supportive, and removing that point to see what I am, who I will be without that support. Though that being said, much of the support I perceive is ego support where I am being fed an experience with people and calculate in myself a sense of satisfaction in getting what I believe should be rightfully mine because I give so I should receive. Like more from the perspective of debt as in I gave you, now give me or else, and calculate as in place an opinion-based value on my interactions and jump to the conclusion that this is what I want and will make me happy. Which are trivial interactions that do nothing specifically to contribute positively to my financial and spiritual future. Gosh I should stop valuing such petty bullshit like being talked to like a friend. Love is misleading, and it’s clear in my case because in valuing being talked to like a friend, I retract from taking real self responsibility or doing what needs to be done to do what’s best. It’s as if the positive interactions in my life are a sedative that I use as excuse to be lazy and stop doing what needs to be done.

This kind of vicious cycle needs to stop. Of misusing positive interactions with people to fall and lull myself into a false sense of security and fast. Fact: I have been running around in circles in the same place for the past month through this mechanism call it, of positive interaction then sedated.

Then what should it be? Certainly there’s a case for the self interest of each person to spin a narrative that creates the least friction between each other, solely for the sake of their own greed. So meaning certainly I must watch out for people who treat me well out of self interest which is… ahem everyone. I must decide who I am, which kind of means I must stop interpreting what is happening to me, and rather see what is happening to everyone else through my input. Because interpreting is opinionating is ego.

Day 404: Doodling

Lately I’ve been on a very lucky streak realizing that I have to live self forgiveness and practice it in every breath. So what I have been practicing is breathing slowly and using that time to assess myself to be either 1 or +1 or -1. Because anything either than 1 ruins the relationship I have with my physical environment which includes the words that others live and especially my own reactions to those words, spoken or lived. It has to be me plus my environment to equal two equals in relationship with each other with neither harming the other. Re-reading Tao Te Ching, I keep asking myself how can I live this and it boils down to doing self forgiveness, implying taking back self responsibility, obviously honest to myself about what is running through my mind.

Examples: Gossiping. Looking at the appearance of a person and imagining what kind of character stereotype they may be, what backstory. Imagining what it would be like to be in a relationship with an attractive person. Badmouthing another in my mind while listening to that person speak. Imagining what the boss would do if I didn’t do this task at hand with a pile of other tasks I need to do related to my boss. Even gossiping about the lack of things to gossip about, for example “How superior I am I have nothing coming up in my mind that is proof that I am a sinner, I am done with this process”. “Investigating” the possible meanings/implications of what X said in this moment in this context and how it may harm me or benefit me.

So the +1/1/-1 checkup in every breath you take is very practical to stop entertaining these rather automated and riveting inner conversations. Ignorance and knowing are a polarity, and it’s important to note that both are potentials in oneself that in their potency do not harm you provided, that you are willing to forgive yourself in the understanding that knowing tend to be preconceptions, and ignorance is freedom from preconceptions, leaving one with the painful truth.

But this is only dealing with your conscious thoughts and not accumulating further consequences from mistakes/nastiness/spitefulness just made. This is not enough. They will repeat nonstop daily until I stop worrying about how many sins I’ve committed. Until I understand the consequences of continuing to participate in such characters and personalities.

Day 403: Dream….Dream, Dream, Dream

Waking up, I remember a dream I was having. It had to do with my phone, and how it got hacked leaving me helpless to reply on WhatsApp and use my phone in general. I found someone to fix it, but he had a condition that you cannot misuse the fix by stealing other people’s Internet. I was skeptical but my friend was beside me, listening and to him, Purvin, the fix seemed legitimate. So I applied the fix, and shortly after I was again barred from my phone because I violated the conditions.

My phone is the primary means with which I communicate with people these days, so I see my phone being hacked as my communication, i.e. my messages, to be misconstrued and distorted by others. Leaving me without a voice to clearly say what I mean. So I am like mute, while my conversations on WhatsApp, i.e. my communication with people, are done for me by replying automatically by some other entity. So it’s like the average communication I have with people is misinterpreted and distorted in people’s minds.

Someone having a fix for me, is like EQAFE/Desteni/Bernard Poolman, giving me the answer, with the condition that I should not abuse Life with this newfound power so to speak. Superpower, that I have been seeking for a long time. I was skeptical but a friend that I trust to be sound in technical expertise (Purvin), said it was good, so in that trust of another’s opinions I ‘went for it’, and followed let’s say, the masses opinion into what I live. Instead of investigating myself and coming to my own conclusion.

Violating the conditions for one person’s kindness in giving me a fix, I fall into despair as my communication becomes filtered yet again. And I violate those conditions naturally, as a matter of breathing, using my phone, communicating, with no sense of wrongness while I crossed someone’s line. So this is like reminding me of how wrong people are about life decisions I must make, and that I must trust my body and my self honesty. How I have the pattern of trusting other’s unverified opinions about what and how I should communicate, still sidestepping the truth that is painful for the white lie that is beautiful and easy to digest. So this dream is pointing to my tendency to rely on others for real insight, when I have been waiting for myself all along, from the perspective that if I were honest to myself, I would see things for what they are already, simplicity, direct seeing and understanding instead of faith in other’s words. Not to say demonize other’s words, but surely given that we’re lying 10 times every 10 minutes or something like that, and that the best liers lie to themselves as well, I should sort out my own deception as a first priority above trusting other’s words.

Not to say distrust and demonize other’s words, but see a lie for what it is, that it is in many times deliberate, and still treat those people and myself good as doing so, I gain in goodness.

So in advising myself inspired by this dream, I need to stop trusting and blindly in faith eating other’s words like candy. I need to slow down and look deeper into myself, into other’s words, the context/environment that the words are being placed. Otherwise I will fall back into the pattern of believing my voice is being silenced by others and that I am good and they are evil for doing so. An alternative interpretation is that since my words are filtered obviously through each person’s minds, turning the fact of my words into opinions (the words I speak that are facts), I should place a stricter guard before my mouth/spoken word. Otherwise I end up compromising deliberately myself by making myself into a rat that rat people out and again fall into the illusion that I am apparently being silenced. When actually, I am compromising myself by loosely guiding my words and callously stepping on other’s tails, when I have the ability and choice to be more aware of others as be more aware of myself that I am defined by the relationships I have in this world, not just my body outline.

Self corrections:
– place a guard/consideration before the words I speak aloud
– realise that no one can censor the words I am living that speak the loudest, that in every moment I am being accounted for and indeed, in deeds, I am being measured by myself as others in every moment.
– process is not only the moment that I write, it is every living moment even while working
– writing is the moment I place a further consideration of myself looking for self correction in the light of self perfection, so while the bad of myself is bad, it is the raw material for the good of myself, so not to value one or the other, i.e. not to value the majority of moments I am sinning, nor to deify the moment I correct myself, take it as a whole

Day 402: When Conflict Equals Your Friends

Kasper’s Journey To Life Day 402, refer to the About Me section for context

The thought of X physically distancing Y from interacting with me boils my blood. I am reacting by being pissed off and angry.

First is the male-female relationship in general that I have certain worries and concerns and stupid beliefs about. Second is that it reminds me of another female that I asked politely about to go out with me, and that blew itself to smithereens. Furthermore, how I am viewing myself as the perpretrator, the traitor, the criminal that committed the crime of asking a girl if she likes me in written word. Third is the event and memory of Y declining my offer to escort her to the Chinese doctor I frequent, and the obvious lying Y did. Which places then into question the entire ‘friendship’ network I have been mentally relying on and the integrity of every interaction they had with me. I say so because obviously there must have been an external influence to convince Y that deciding to go to an activity with me is not good, which infers that I am not good nor beneficial to this work relationship network of people or this group I’m “part of” only on WhatsApp. So reading what I’ve wrote, this concerns the existential question of whether I am valid or relevant or current to humanity in general reflected in the smaller as this group. If I can’t “conquer”/stand equal to this group, which is but a small playground compared to humanity at large, I can say good riddance and verify practically that I have zero chance at making an impact at all.

I refuse stubbornly to become wily in my ways. I believe fervently that the way to sort out Life in general and therefore my own life is to be open, direct, and most important self honest. Not to be honest to others for others to misdirect into lies and cheating, but to be honest with myself so I understand what I’m dealing with for what it is. I believe fervently that no one can deceive me but myself; there is no deception, only self deception. So what’s up?

First is the basic fear of being casted away by Life/humanity reflected in the smaller as this group against my will. Solving, it’s my will anyway if this group does kick me out in practice, because I am responsible for the input I input into this group, which like a computer or black box calculates and spites to give me a very specific output. What is VERY interesting is there is conflict BECAUSE I am so straightforward roughly speaking. IF I were narrow-minded enough I would jump to the conclusion that care and compassion does not work; hate and loathe while putting on a smile! Gratefully, I am not as narrow minded.

I need to stop fearing conflict. Conflict does not mean I am wrong. Conflict is feedback and a reflection. I need to stand equal to the conflict and understand. I am not necessarily wrong because everyone in my immediate reality screams at the top of their lungs through actions towards me portraying me to be THE thief and criminal and bad guy. Luckily Life is more than the lying and cheating of human beings. Obviously I need to calm myself and stop assuming myself to be wrong just because there is conflict in the people I have relationships with. After calming down, what’s happening? Females in the group are labelling me a predator or at least something ill and bad. What can I do about that? All the wily ghosts I can do is be myself and keep on keeping on giving as I would like to receive. I’m just one person with one pair of hands and feet and one mouth with one version I spit out and one version I keep to myself.

How would I give what I would like to receive applied to THIS event, my friends discriminating against me? Give benefit of the doubt. I am stressing to myself that I am not necessarily wrong. After all what’s wrong with:
– listening to what people say when they are talking to me
– talking to people about what I really feel about certain topics
– blabbering to people commenting on frivolous things

I should stop the third point.

I should also stop emotionally basing my sense of right and wrong on the opinions of others as what they say and do in front of me and their obvious actions behind my back. It’s funny how human beings especially me can only do one of two things: speak the truth or lies, and how many reactions come from ME about myself when people decide to lie – sorry, when people decide not to speak the truth.I should stop basing my self worth on worthless lying friends; not in general friends, but those specific people that I identify as choosing to lie, yet are on the surface my “friend”. AND AND AND not hating these people either, not running away from them by not being their friend, not enacting revenge by lying ‘back to them’, I dare not take action on this matter. I got to trust myself that I will do what is best for all involved, thoughts, words, and deeds, especially towards a spiteful motherfucker. lol

As far as I can tell, I have not done anything wrong yet. I’m just overreacting to say it in layman’s terms. Wait wait, see what pans out.

Day 401: Thoughts on my Own Preoccupations

These days my preoccupations include:
– giving up the fight between good and evil

I need to stop furrowing my brow as a reflection of my contempt for that which I deem evil. One thing I’ve realized is that ALL is a reflection of what each accepts and allows, and my responsibility and safe action is to only care about what I am accepting and allowing, sorting out that part first.

Wanting to ‘save others’ from their existence as accepted and allowed egotistical behaviour tend to backfire as it ends up being judgments of that person, which translates into self judgment. In other words, I confuse my own process of self investigation trying to save others. I delve into the stupid action of participating in imagined scenes of that person, imagining how I might save them, how I would feel doing so, ego boost, participate in ‘layers’ of judgments against that person which even includes me, because my judgments exist in my mind, they reflect the kind of character I am accepting and allowing.

So, I need to walk backwards back to the state of being a child, from the perspective that a child does not judge what is seen/observed, and rather only takes care of himself. One focus and that is on what am *I* accepting and allowing in this moment Here. This way I am optimizing my process of becoming the best human being, that disciplines and dedicates himself to the outcome that is best for all in the Physical.

And ‘pressing down on people through the uncarved block’ as Lao Tzu suggests in Tao Te Ching, I found basically means remaining natural. Natural meaning focusing only on myself as my acceptances and allowances, and trusting the honesty of the other person to reflect on his/her actions while standing as a reminder of what Life is worth. Standing as Life meaning being the change, taking the chance/risk of not daring to take coercive action on the other person, leaving/trusting the other person to have the intelligence and whatnot to eventually succeed in grasping what is important in life, which includes obsviously giving what you would like to receive, treating your neighbour as yourself, that in the Physical you reap what you sow. You are bound to be caught and be revealed in all that you are, the words you live out, because nothing can hide in this physical reality. To simplify with an analogy, pressing with the uncarved block is akin to enacting violence on your dog, and while the dog understands that he is no match for your physical strength, concedes to your violence but standing within/as that which cannot be taken away from him – the words the dog is living, never harming life in all forms, remaining as an example of what Life can be for all life especially humans – and then – the point – the ill feeling you get as the dog innocently gazes at you while being hurt, I’m referring to that kind of self reflection and self honesty that happens through you not doing anything but standing as an example of what is important in life.

– pondering the female existence and concluding that it is also fickle as the male existence

For awhile I have demonized males and worshipped females – polarity. Yesterday it occurred to me: most gossip originates from females, that are lies and deception/opinions. That creates in a very practical sense much internal conflict in all involved and turns the wheel of thinking/imagining innumerable amounts of times. Unnecessary conflict if all were direct and straightforward in their communication, and decided to discipline themselves to upholding outcomes that are best for all life/all involved at the very least. The assumption that one has to lie and cheat to put bread on the table is bullshit, simply because EVERYONE that has worked in a team realizes what is value is everything but lying and cheating; value is in nurturing each other to be the best version of themselves..

So females are equally responsible as I am as a male for the current world status. All, especially me, are characters not up or ready for the task of aligning the world to what is best for all – a hefty task, to say the least, but the point is females and males, in practice all the personalities I observe of males and females, are not up to snuff. Not innocent, all have backchat and forms of lying and cheating that if revealed for example in writing, would render one’s cheeks redder than a roaring flame. What I need to grasp however is to not prostitute myself to an idea of females that they are the key to integrity practiced.

– money as what to spend my money on

So far, seeing the way I am sending my money to hell, my money/self movement in money is insufficient in creating any possibility for change in this world. As one life that has to pass the proverbial torch to younger life, I see those that are older than me spending essentially in the same way I am spending my money = self gratification, and if reality were the physical state of every human being on the planet, I certainly would go to hell for simply spending money on myself alone. More important, I would regret not doing anything for people in physical and mental distress because that could have been me in another life.

So I ask myself the question, do I want to spend my life like those older than me, spending decades of my limited life on the same self gratification meanwhile accruing the sin of not loving my neighbour? Honestly I don’t want to, it’s kind of boring morality aside. My fingers can count the number of physical possessions and experiences to gratify myself, yet all not meaning jack shit. I’ve found what is important once physical needs are met are the words I am living, am I living care in practical way, compassion in practice. Because I obviously won’t be judged by the physical possessions or experiences I have on Earth – I left that all behind when I die – I would be judged on who I am, WHAT I AM as the words I am living. And like the ill feeling slapping the dog, I will probably judge myself the most realizing that basically, as one life I was abusing myself as other human lives.

– sex as masturbation

No comment.

– relationships as the people I’ve met and know by name, exercising the ‘judge’ character and practicing to be a “good judge of character”

This is a sneaky feeling and a sneaky personality that is easy to get lost into. The ‘I must practice to be a good judge of character to survive and I am a good judge of character right?’ character.

I come across this character while trying to sleep, and not being able to because I drank tea at night. Honestly, it’s gratifying to review other people’s faults because first, it draws away attention from your own faults, two, you simulate in your mind being a kind of god that is the gatekeeper that measures your merits and sins when you die, three, you exercise your right to your own opinion in a real way by exercising your taste in things. Forget about your taste being a product of your upbringing and environment purely, it’s yours and it feels good to see when others validate your taste by being the same, and it feels equally good to see when others are not to your taste.

So what to take away from this is refrain from thinking about what other people are, rather care about what you are.

Day 400: Girl Troubles

Agenda for X and I

Aims
– Present to each other our backchat around the idea of a relationship between us
– Discuss: start with the miscommunications and frictions that have occured by talking to her about what has happened -what your perceotion has been – why you responded the way you did – and ask her why she responded the way she did by going into retreat
_____________________
what hopes and desires and expectations, what experiences I would like to derive from this girl?

– I hope to be able to talk about what is happening in my life and weigh options with her

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the belief that it is humanly not possible to be equal to two people, having two limited perspectives, to identify what is best for all in practical terms considering one moment of participation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that two self-interested perspectives are ‘more equal’ to one Life perspective called common sense, than having to be subject to my one limited self interested perspective.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that a relationship will wholly solve the ‘problem’ of having limited perspective, and in a way can replace the obvious solution which is to let go of my self interest and embrace and stand for what is best.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the belief that two people weighing options together will be easier and faster than weighing the options myself and making a self honest decision, and also two people means, I believe, having the responsibility cut in half, so the ‘burden is lighter’.

I forgive myself that I HAVE accepted and allowed myself to believe that sharing my life and weighing options is the password for ‘yes you may fuck me’, giving me the opportunity to have sex with X.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to approach communication according to a spear that I direct to attack my partner until her ‘defenses are down’ and her pussy is mine.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to derive a high experience from communicating effectively with another, where in my mind I equate effective communication as ‘higher chance to get fucked’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ‘think with my dick’ meaning participate with the girl from the perspective of wanting to experience sex no matter what, I am willing to do everything it takes, jump every hurdle she ‘throws at me’, until ‘sex is achieved’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive girls wanting communication as if they are saying, “You have to do X Y and Z before I allow you to fuck me”, INSTEAD OF investigating the value of having a relationship – communication skills can be practiced and what I am can be revealed some more so I get to face myself more often – and the value of having sex – physical stimulation and a baby – then self honestly realize which is more useful, communication and self reflection through relationship, rather than sex through relationship.

I Commit myself to when and as I see myself interacting with any girl from the starting point of ‘thinking with my dick’, I stop, I breathe. I realize that communication in a relationship blossoms far more satisfying moments – of self realization and self accountability breeding self responsibility – than an isolated act of sex which lasts what, 15 minutes? I Commit myself to interact with all girls as human beings, so interact with them as if they are guys from the perspective that I purely interact from the starting point of not expecting anything from them, and simply communicate.
– I desire to explore what communication can be with one single person other than my mother, the potential latent in open and clear communication

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define communication as self communication, purely me, talking to the spiteful part of me that is my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear communicating with others, out of the excuse/justification that others will “rat me out” and tell all to others about what I say.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the belief that it is intelligent to not share basically anything with others because they will betray you, and do the worst they can to slander your name, because I believe that others believe that gossip is the ultimate form of intimacy.

I Forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that others are reflecting back to me my own reactions, including the “I think I’m intelligent for not sharing anything with them” reaction, so I was stuck in a time loop.

I Forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abuse open and clear communication as a means to the end of sex, instead of initiating open and clear communication with myself to investigate my obsession with sex, because I remember that morning in September when I first was exposed to porn without understanding what I was dealing with in my mind.

I Forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that the energetic experience I felt when exposed to porn for the first time, was preprogrammed as a seed in my consciousness, I then started to believe in the apparent taboos surrounding sex, instead of investigating them and keeping what is best.

I commit myself to when and as I see myself pushing for open and clear communication for sex – I stop, I breathe. I realize that what I really yearn for is to be free of this fuzzy logic that ‘forces me’ to feel anxious when I do not obsess about sex, I won’t be normal if I do not obsess about sex! I commit myself to stand by the decision to stop participating in the anxious feeling when I consider things other than sex, to let the cons die on their own like deleting a pornographic picture generated by my mind – you simply do not participate until you are here, and the picture is gone.
– I expect to talk ‘girl talk’ with her – explore the female value system as a foreign country and me going travelling – that kind of excitement

I Forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare my ‘guy talk’ with ‘girl talk’ and make a judgment that ‘girl talk’ is apparently more grounded in reality than ‘guy talk’, in this validating the opinion that I think girls are superior in fact to guys in their ability to live life, meaning live what is best for the group.

I Forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that half and half of the world are guys and girls, therefore both parts, in isolation, are not the whole picture/the whole consideration, so as long as I am self interested, guy or girl talk, I will still not have the effect that I desire to have on the world because exactly, my self interest breed self interest, when I could have bred what is best to support and promote what is best, like how a salesman constantly sell their frying pan and demonstrate its properties – the frying pan being your ‘lived principle’ that forms the foundation of your reason – and people do look at you from time to time.

I Commit myself to when and as I see myself excited to uncover a girl’s value system – I stop, I breathe. I realize that this excitement is hiding a fear of ‘not knowing enough’ to live in this world, fear of lack of knowledge of what is here, so the excitement is fake because the reason for it is fake. I Commit myself to instead make clear my starting point and stop coveting what others have.
– I want to defuse the energetic reactions I get from being touched by her

I Commit myself to when and as I see myself reacting energetically to being touched by X – I stop, I breathe. I realize that the reaction is due to believing a story about ‘what it means’ when a girl touches a guy, my history with defining the word ‘sex’ for me, and as such is not a valid feeling, it must be deleted because the reasons as the stories were never real; I made them real by believing in them. I Commit myself to investigate all things, so investigate my reactions to being touched especially by the opposite sex, and keep what is best.

– I hope to co-create a relationship that when it ends, we can still be genuine good friends that can speak their mind to each other

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the belief that forming a relationship as described above is ‘weird’ and ‘unacceptable’ by societal standards, which are actually my own self judgments.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the belief that a relationship is like a drug, that you light up and smoke like weed and then the ‘damage’ is done.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame everyone else for convincing me to define relationships in such a way that it is used like a consumer product, then toss away when you feel bad using it or you just feel bad in its presence, in the presence of your partner.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that ALL relationships, ESPECIALLY one relationship between a boy and a girl, is defined ENTIRELY by what both people accept and allow, and what they think about topics, some more influential in the relationship than others.

I commit myself to when and as I see myself doubting myself as to my ‘ability’ to create a sustainable relationship in practice – I stop, I breathe. I realize that I am 50% of the problem or solution, and obviously my girlfriend being the other 50%, so provided I sort myself out, I’ve created half of a sustainable relationship, and through communication create the other half, my other half. I commit myself to give myself the confidence to sort myself out, and to sort the other out, in the realization that communication is that important and that’s why girls value communication over everything, and I should do because it constitute the other 50% of a relationship in essence.
– I want to ‘go up’ in the ‘social ladder of social success’ by having a girlfriend, a chance to induce an illusion of a heavenly experience

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define a heavenly experience according to having a personalized validation of who and what I am, which is where the girl fits in, and according to securing a means to earn money, in which I believe that part of the secret to earning lots of money is to be sexual and attractive so that even if you do not stand for what is best, you are still attractive and con the other person to give you their money.

Day 399: How I Solve Conflict

What questions and statements would I like to ask X, and more IMPORTANTLY, what does this say about ME?

– I don’t “love” you, I like you and am attracted to part of the value system you stand for reflected in your actions. Why? Because my ego happens to be the same way sometimes, and I realize and understand that I am merely looking at a positive judgment of myself when interacting with you, so that’s why I can’t say I love you, but I like you.

Personal problem with this statement: self serving, want to present myself in a specific way, to promote and display myself as mature, and in that maturity sexy to attempt to attract X to me. Starting point interest is relationship with X, indicating expectations of X to in a way, be my ‘saviour’ in terms of learning about the practicalities of the female mind, I like her, therefore she likes me and I want to be her girlfriend/platonic friend, talk about girl topics and learn and educate myself.

Interpersonal problem: I’m saying the equivalent that she is butt ugly, she is not beautiful, which triggers points of insecurities in her pre-existing which makes me an evil child. Evil because I am responsible for what I see, I need to give up my life to serve the lives of others. That means basically, say words in a way that does not insult her, and make it clear that you want to be friends with her that’s why I was so enthusiastic in my approach, which is most likely interpreted as me being attracted to X. What really happened is according to the ‘style’ I stand for, less is more roughly, I should be attractive to the kind of girl X appears to be because we hold similar opinions as to what is beautiful, I interpret her to want to take responsibility and does so effectively so in my mind, I am one, estatic to find ‘one of my kind of personality’; I am holding a belief that even as a human that shits the same way, I am apparently alone and special in that oneness, because whatever I find to “guide me” becomes part of and pats on the head my definition of specialness, separation. Justifying this by thinking, I want to stand for what is best and my entire world does not want to actually do that, making me better than them comparing my starting point to theirs, though I have not really investigated their starting point through communication, I’m going by the rash judgments I make of people based on what they do, educating myself on the worst possible deeds, thoughts, words people can say to and about me. Bolstering my idea that “I am SPECIAL in a GOOD way”, INSTEAD

OF shifting my attention to the similarities each person shares with me from the perspective that if I were exposed to the same experiences, I would most likely end up being them exactly how they are, in thought, word, and deed, and personality. So in that way, we share the same mind and that oneness of fuzzy mind logic, seeking that oneness, empowers me to support them through thoughts, having no harmful thoughts about them, words, speaking words to support them, and deeds, designing and identifying the equation that defines and programs me. I’m rushing through my statement directed at X, expecting support when there is no reality indication that she is willing to support.

How I harm the universal through this statement, everything I say and do will be scrutinized by the group, as a representation of the parts of my subconscious mind = my subconscious mind will scrutinize every single detail I do, and I am accepting this belief as if it has to be this way, complaining about it through my attitude towards the group – a suspicious, morose, severe, cynical character – INSTEAD of STANDING in the sty, becoming equal and one with the poop understanding that it is raw material to create human beings that are best for all, though they have to create themselves. I must stop going to war with them in my mind, they can sense that I’m internally putting up my defenses. Instead I may seek to understand the reasoning behind this energy-driven pattern. I require to stop mentally creating a moat with their shit reactions, separating myself from them and believing that this is what is good, I need to learn from the pig that wallows and enjoys the shit because shit is LIFE TOO, Lie waiting to be born and an egg that I cannot fertilize for them, they do it to their own egg.

What else do I want to say to X?

– I want to show off and display myself, LOOK WHAT I CAN DO, I can change myself to do what is best and that makes me sexy LOOK AT ME. I am the perfect guy for you. I KNOW I am a superior model of male than anyone you are looking at to form a relationship; come away with me. I am dry and witty. I am making a brand for myself in the minds of women to secure my breadline.

This is basically the same statement. In the personal I am basically giving an exam to X HOPING she will get the message that I encrypted in ‘my explanation of myself’, when I need to forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deceive me into believing that my explanation is physical, when it is energy driven, relationship driven, and stinks of wanting to control X to relate to me energetically, I am deliberately finding ways to trigger her as myself to relate to me emotionally. I am opening a Pandora’s box that I have no idea of the consequences. Yet I DO = I am wishing her to be a program the same program that I transcended which is the program where I enslave myself to a female/she enslaves herself to me through the principle of obsession. And through obsession trigger her desire for sex, and yes I want to fuck her.

I want to feel what a nice ass bouncing on my dick feels like, I want to status symbol of I have fucked before. I am abusing her by abusing her preprogramming, part of it, at least trying to, and there is a consequence for just trying to, which is I become equal to what i create. I become an evil so perfect in its fuzzy logic, sex driven, I think it’s okay and normal to do everything in my power to attract sex to me. De-manned, demon, demons-are-crazy I think it is her choice, her making that choice to be with me when I manipulate her, which is really me manipulating myself to manipulate her. Why choose consciousness over Life? Why do I think it is in my greatest interest to have sex through devious underhanded means? Because I’m crazy, delinquent in denial, so obsessed with that point of sex that I relate to the energy and separate myself from reality, what is reality, reality means what I really do, the 99%, ALL about others. Repeat after me, consciousness commands, and I somehow submit because of symbols of apparent authority. Then I think and believe these thoughts are me, that the fuzzy logical way to do it is that, and the consequences in the universal are extreme. In the personal I become a slave to my thoughts, the very thing I attempt, to inflict on others, I become that affliction, that application that program. So I can learn and stop and learn to live practically the best way.

Interpersonal. Everyone sees in plain sight what I’m doing and becomes wary, becomes suspicious as I would if a confident person kept proclaiming I am confident. I become known as a trickster con artist in the department of love, people scoff at me like Mrs. Peart: what the fuck are you trying to do love? You con, you can’t fool me. Between being aloof and totally deliberate, totally deliberate would be best for all because I am actually aware of every decision that I make and I have a conscience. Totally deliberate in doing what is best is best, because if everyone did that the world would be a better place to live in. So I need to realize the reason to change my starting point with X from wanting to fuck her to wanting to support her the best way I can, and give the same to all people starting with one. I created this mess, I better clean it up myself with some spoken words of apology.

Universal. I become the source of gossip for many. I destroy unnecessarily a relationship with one person. I get flagged as a menace and social danger by the group who support X, group.

Rewards. “Rectifying” roughly, my relationship with X is a social experiment in diplomacy. I learn to speak my mind.

Day 398:What Rewards For Dropping Ego?

This is part 2.  Part 1 is here.

Solution to acting arrogant. What arrogance really is is a form of showing off due to the insecurity within, that I am not good enough as I am, there is something wrong or lacking about me. Hence the attraction to those that are “cooler”/”more attractive”/”triggers more sex-related thoughts, emotions, and feelings and activates almost another world in you, another feeling”. With the sense of yearning to own and possess that someone, especially if they are of the opposite sex or if you’re gay, of the same sex. As such, it is necessary to apply forgiveness for the apparent lackings and insecurities and fears and worries and concerns you have about yourself. Secondly, apply forgiveness in terms of who triggers what in you, what words, images, feelings come up as you see this cool guy or girl.

Reward. The most rewarding reward I have to say, is no longer being programmed. What do I mean by this? Well, as you start to accumulate these programs of thought, words, into deeds, it becomes almost as if you are not the one that is breathing. It is as if you are not the one that is living. Your programs, your reactions, and your personality, is doing that for you. To accept thought as master means to accept constant, neverending, endless reaction to be your default state. There is no common sense in programs. Common sense comes from being the repo man taking back responsibility from those automated words mutated into feelings, thoughts, and the task is to let the obsessions go. Forgive yourself. Understand yourself fully, because if you did, you would not let a program decide your mannerisms, your likes, your dislikes, why are you not free to like everything equally?/why don’t you understand everyone and who they are at this stage in their lives, to see that your dislike become irrelevant in the face of this life force in front of you?

In the personal, that’s one reward. No longer being programmed and preprogrammed to fail at Life, but succeed at mind games. In the interpersonal, what you have to gain from stripping away this coolness ego personality is you learn to love people more, in a practicable, sustainable way. The real love that is a realization of yourself. Redirect yourself from prejudicing others severely, evidenced in gossip, to genuine, wanting to place you in their shoes not to ‘help them’ – they can only help themselves – but to help yourself – a greater self interest at play, living the words, what is best for you is best for all, where this you indicates your flesh, everyone shit the same way, your physical needs rather than your mental needs. That is mental, to have mental needs separate deliberately from your physical needs.

In the universal, imagine. If everyone were to drop their ego like what you are doing in one scenario call it, everyone becomes more one. Everyone wants to love their neighbour, the alternative to fighting with gossip. You become more equal to this universe in a vividly practical way: you are essentially dropping your mental needs to honour your physical needs. You are walking backwards back to the time when you were born and when things were not only simpler, but bursting to the brim with Life, a far more satisfying food than energy. Orgasm is an energy, likes and dislikes is an energy. If you are self honest, you would see that yes, your likes are an energy.

Day 397: Cool as Arrogance

Eating at McDonald’s, I saw a familiar face. Not a familiar face, but a familiar way of presenting oneself that I know I have done and probably am doing. It’s arrogance.

Presenting myself with all the hallmarks of a trendy, confident adult: good body shape, walking with swagger, identifying and looking at other similarly priced objects – I mean people. And looking at them in a dichotomy; I have all of this, but I want more that I see in the other. I am afraid of losing what I have, I am afraid of losing just because I did not assimilate the other coolness that I see in this other girl. Assimilate meaning copy the mannerisms and gestures that I personally see as cool, it’s a double meaning, meaning also possessing her through a relationship, add her to my list of toys. Toys being defined as all of the things that I use to bolster my personality and my ego, be it physical stuff, mostly mental fuzzy logic reasonings around what cool and all the personally desirable words I want to live practically implies, and the illusion of social standing, the mental reasoning behind every relationship – general – to justify accepting and allowing a particular version of society/people to permeate and infiltrate your mind’s programming, all the while I feel like I’m flying high falling in love.

Today’s event is of the latter, a social construct. Even in my writing I am wary of this arrogance – so more often than I’d like to I change the words in my writing because they are more flamboyant than communicative.

In the personal, the consequence of being arrogant is simply not being equal to my physical reality. Meaning I lose touch with reality and do some really uncool things like trip over. I become lost in an idea of myself more than engrossing myself into this physical reality, my two hands and the machines I am able to direct and manage, I become really unattractive in my eyes because I think the most pretty thing is a newborn, because Life is obviously what remains before the incisive attack to become mindful by us people. One perspective is this: in spite of maturing into full physical maturity, like a ripe fruit, those that haven’t learnt how to be cool should have equal authority and confidence in themselves to question and participate in this physical reality. But they don’t, as I see I would not be as confident if my body were not fully mature. What fun it would be if I could design my mind to be okay with living in any position in the world, at any stage of life? That’s the aim.

Interpersonal. Obviously I limit myself from being able to communicate with “uncool people”, because I’m fucking afraid of ‘this disease’, and did I mention that I lose touch with reality that is the price of being cool? I polarize my world into good and bad, cool or not cool. This leaves a fatal flaw in the design of my character in that I will eventually be unable to stand communicating and unable to be in a beginning stage of anything, while I separate my world into good and bad, I create a space to disassociate myself from the parts I find uncool of myself, and worship an idea of cool such as a manner of walking, while denying, suppressing, vehemently cursing at 1) those parts of me 2) people that reflect and remind me of those parts of me 3) girls that remind me of “the worst” in me. Being cool stunts my growth as a social being needlessly, as it is needless to be cool as you will notice, nobody cares really. Everyone’s busy with themselves and their image, including finding their perfect image in others, like how you do. I can go on and on about the permutations of this mechanism, but I’m sure you get it.

Universally, in terms of the world, wars are fought because you don’t like someone, because of your decision to make up personal issues with them. Intimacy/communication is impossible, and that opens up another can of worms I don’t need to explain. Gossip abounds due to this separation – the internal separation into cool and uncool/good and bad, the external separation of being attracted and repulsed by objects and people around you WHICH IS just a permutation of the internal separation, or a reflection actually.

In the next post I will discuss the solutions and rewards.