Day 400: Girl Troubles

Agenda for X and I

Aims
– Present to each other our backchat around the idea of a relationship between us
– Discuss: start with the miscommunications and frictions that have occured by talking to her about what has happened -what your perceotion has been – why you responded the way you did – and ask her why she responded the way she did by going into retreat
_____________________
what hopes and desires and expectations, what experiences I would like to derive from this girl?

– I hope to be able to talk about what is happening in my life and weigh options with her

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the belief that it is humanly not possible to be equal to two people, having two limited perspectives, to identify what is best for all in practical terms considering one moment of participation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that two self-interested perspectives are ‘more equal’ to one Life perspective called common sense, than having to be subject to my one limited self interested perspective.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that a relationship will wholly solve the ‘problem’ of having limited perspective, and in a way can replace the obvious solution which is to let go of my self interest and embrace and stand for what is best.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the belief that two people weighing options together will be easier and faster than weighing the options myself and making a self honest decision, and also two people means, I believe, having the responsibility cut in half, so the ‘burden is lighter’.

I forgive myself that I HAVE accepted and allowed myself to believe that sharing my life and weighing options is the password for ‘yes you may fuck me’, giving me the opportunity to have sex with X.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to approach communication according to a spear that I direct to attack my partner until her ‘defenses are down’ and her pussy is mine.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to derive a high experience from communicating effectively with another, where in my mind I equate effective communication as ‘higher chance to get fucked’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ‘think with my dick’ meaning participate with the girl from the perspective of wanting to experience sex no matter what, I am willing to do everything it takes, jump every hurdle she ‘throws at me’, until ‘sex is achieved’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive girls wanting communication as if they are saying, “You have to do X Y and Z before I allow you to fuck me”, INSTEAD OF investigating the value of having a relationship – communication skills can be practiced and what I am can be revealed some more so I get to face myself more often – and the value of having sex – physical stimulation and a baby – then self honestly realize which is more useful, communication and self reflection through relationship, rather than sex through relationship.

I Commit myself to when and as I see myself interacting with any girl from the starting point of ‘thinking with my dick’, I stop, I breathe. I realize that communication in a relationship blossoms far more satisfying moments – of self realization and self accountability breeding self responsibility – than an isolated act of sex which lasts what, 15 minutes? I Commit myself to interact with all girls as human beings, so interact with them as if they are guys from the perspective that I purely interact from the starting point of not expecting anything from them, and simply communicate.
– I desire to explore what communication can be with one single person other than my mother, the potential latent in open and clear communication

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define communication as self communication, purely me, talking to the spiteful part of me that is my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear communicating with others, out of the excuse/justification that others will “rat me out” and tell all to others about what I say.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the belief that it is intelligent to not share basically anything with others because they will betray you, and do the worst they can to slander your name, because I believe that others believe that gossip is the ultimate form of intimacy.

I Forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that others are reflecting back to me my own reactions, including the “I think I’m intelligent for not sharing anything with them” reaction, so I was stuck in a time loop.

I Forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abuse open and clear communication as a means to the end of sex, instead of initiating open and clear communication with myself to investigate my obsession with sex, because I remember that morning in September when I first was exposed to porn without understanding what I was dealing with in my mind.

I Forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that the energetic experience I felt when exposed to porn for the first time, was preprogrammed as a seed in my consciousness, I then started to believe in the apparent taboos surrounding sex, instead of investigating them and keeping what is best.

I commit myself to when and as I see myself pushing for open and clear communication for sex – I stop, I breathe. I realize that what I really yearn for is to be free of this fuzzy logic that ‘forces me’ to feel anxious when I do not obsess about sex, I won’t be normal if I do not obsess about sex! I commit myself to stand by the decision to stop participating in the anxious feeling when I consider things other than sex, to let the cons die on their own like deleting a pornographic picture generated by my mind – you simply do not participate until you are here, and the picture is gone.
– I expect to talk ‘girl talk’ with her – explore the female value system as a foreign country and me going travelling – that kind of excitement

I Forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare my ‘guy talk’ with ‘girl talk’ and make a judgment that ‘girl talk’ is apparently more grounded in reality than ‘guy talk’, in this validating the opinion that I think girls are superior in fact to guys in their ability to live life, meaning live what is best for the group.

I Forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that half and half of the world are guys and girls, therefore both parts, in isolation, are not the whole picture/the whole consideration, so as long as I am self interested, guy or girl talk, I will still not have the effect that I desire to have on the world because exactly, my self interest breed self interest, when I could have bred what is best to support and promote what is best, like how a salesman constantly sell their frying pan and demonstrate its properties – the frying pan being your ‘lived principle’ that forms the foundation of your reason – and people do look at you from time to time.

I Commit myself to when and as I see myself excited to uncover a girl’s value system – I stop, I breathe. I realize that this excitement is hiding a fear of ‘not knowing enough’ to live in this world, fear of lack of knowledge of what is here, so the excitement is fake because the reason for it is fake. I Commit myself to instead make clear my starting point and stop coveting what others have.
– I want to defuse the energetic reactions I get from being touched by her

I Commit myself to when and as I see myself reacting energetically to being touched by X – I stop, I breathe. I realize that the reaction is due to believing a story about ‘what it means’ when a girl touches a guy, my history with defining the word ‘sex’ for me, and as such is not a valid feeling, it must be deleted because the reasons as the stories were never real; I made them real by believing in them. I Commit myself to investigate all things, so investigate my reactions to being touched especially by the opposite sex, and keep what is best.

– I hope to co-create a relationship that when it ends, we can still be genuine good friends that can speak their mind to each other

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the belief that forming a relationship as described above is ‘weird’ and ‘unacceptable’ by societal standards, which are actually my own self judgments.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the belief that a relationship is like a drug, that you light up and smoke like weed and then the ‘damage’ is done.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame everyone else for convincing me to define relationships in such a way that it is used like a consumer product, then toss away when you feel bad using it or you just feel bad in its presence, in the presence of your partner.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that ALL relationships, ESPECIALLY one relationship between a boy and a girl, is defined ENTIRELY by what both people accept and allow, and what they think about topics, some more influential in the relationship than others.

I commit myself to when and as I see myself doubting myself as to my ‘ability’ to create a sustainable relationship in practice – I stop, I breathe. I realize that I am 50% of the problem or solution, and obviously my girlfriend being the other 50%, so provided I sort myself out, I’ve created half of a sustainable relationship, and through communication create the other half, my other half. I commit myself to give myself the confidence to sort myself out, and to sort the other out, in the realization that communication is that important and that’s why girls value communication over everything, and I should do because it constitute the other 50% of a relationship in essence.
– I want to ‘go up’ in the ‘social ladder of social success’ by having a girlfriend, a chance to induce an illusion of a heavenly experience

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define a heavenly experience according to having a personalized validation of who and what I am, which is where the girl fits in, and according to securing a means to earn money, in which I believe that part of the secret to earning lots of money is to be sexual and attractive so that even if you do not stand for what is best, you are still attractive and con the other person to give you their money.

Day 399: How I Solve Conflict

What questions and statements would I like to ask X, and more IMPORTANTLY, what does this say about ME?

– I don’t “love” you, I like you and am attracted to part of the value system you stand for reflected in your actions. Why? Because my ego happens to be the same way sometimes, and I realize and understand that I am merely looking at a positive judgment of myself when interacting with you, so that’s why I can’t say I love you, but I like you.

Personal problem with this statement: self serving, want to present myself in a specific way, to promote and display myself as mature, and in that maturity sexy to attempt to attract X to me. Starting point interest is relationship with X, indicating expectations of X to in a way, be my ‘saviour’ in terms of learning about the practicalities of the female mind, I like her, therefore she likes me and I want to be her girlfriend/platonic friend, talk about girl topics and learn and educate myself.

Interpersonal problem: I’m saying the equivalent that she is butt ugly, she is not beautiful, which triggers points of insecurities in her pre-existing which makes me an evil child. Evil because I am responsible for what I see, I need to give up my life to serve the lives of others. That means basically, say words in a way that does not insult her, and make it clear that you want to be friends with her that’s why I was so enthusiastic in my approach, which is most likely interpreted as me being attracted to X. What really happened is according to the ‘style’ I stand for, less is more roughly, I should be attractive to the kind of girl X appears to be because we hold similar opinions as to what is beautiful, I interpret her to want to take responsibility and does so effectively so in my mind, I am one, estatic to find ‘one of my kind of personality’; I am holding a belief that even as a human that shits the same way, I am apparently alone and special in that oneness, because whatever I find to “guide me” becomes part of and pats on the head my definition of specialness, separation. Justifying this by thinking, I want to stand for what is best and my entire world does not want to actually do that, making me better than them comparing my starting point to theirs, though I have not really investigated their starting point through communication, I’m going by the rash judgments I make of people based on what they do, educating myself on the worst possible deeds, thoughts, words people can say to and about me. Bolstering my idea that “I am SPECIAL in a GOOD way”, INSTEAD

OF shifting my attention to the similarities each person shares with me from the perspective that if I were exposed to the same experiences, I would most likely end up being them exactly how they are, in thought, word, and deed, and personality. So in that way, we share the same mind and that oneness of fuzzy mind logic, seeking that oneness, empowers me to support them through thoughts, having no harmful thoughts about them, words, speaking words to support them, and deeds, designing and identifying the equation that defines and programs me. I’m rushing through my statement directed at X, expecting support when there is no reality indication that she is willing to support.

How I harm the universal through this statement, everything I say and do will be scrutinized by the group, as a representation of the parts of my subconscious mind = my subconscious mind will scrutinize every single detail I do, and I am accepting this belief as if it has to be this way, complaining about it through my attitude towards the group – a suspicious, morose, severe, cynical character – INSTEAD of STANDING in the sty, becoming equal and one with the poop understanding that it is raw material to create human beings that are best for all, though they have to create themselves. I must stop going to war with them in my mind, they can sense that I’m internally putting up my defenses. Instead I may seek to understand the reasoning behind this energy-driven pattern. I require to stop mentally creating a moat with their shit reactions, separating myself from them and believing that this is what is good, I need to learn from the pig that wallows and enjoys the shit because shit is LIFE TOO, Lie waiting to be born and an egg that I cannot fertilize for them, they do it to their own egg.

What else do I want to say to X?

– I want to show off and display myself, LOOK WHAT I CAN DO, I can change myself to do what is best and that makes me sexy LOOK AT ME. I am the perfect guy for you. I KNOW I am a superior model of male than anyone you are looking at to form a relationship; come away with me. I am dry and witty. I am making a brand for myself in the minds of women to secure my breadline.

This is basically the same statement. In the personal I am basically giving an exam to X HOPING she will get the message that I encrypted in ‘my explanation of myself’, when I need to forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deceive me into believing that my explanation is physical, when it is energy driven, relationship driven, and stinks of wanting to control X to relate to me energetically, I am deliberately finding ways to trigger her as myself to relate to me emotionally. I am opening a Pandora’s box that I have no idea of the consequences. Yet I DO = I am wishing her to be a program the same program that I transcended which is the program where I enslave myself to a female/she enslaves herself to me through the principle of obsession. And through obsession trigger her desire for sex, and yes I want to fuck her.

I want to feel what a nice ass bouncing on my dick feels like, I want to status symbol of I have fucked before. I am abusing her by abusing her preprogramming, part of it, at least trying to, and there is a consequence for just trying to, which is I become equal to what i create. I become an evil so perfect in its fuzzy logic, sex driven, I think it’s okay and normal to do everything in my power to attract sex to me. De-manned, demon, demons-are-crazy I think it is her choice, her making that choice to be with me when I manipulate her, which is really me manipulating myself to manipulate her. Why choose consciousness over Life? Why do I think it is in my greatest interest to have sex through devious underhanded means? Because I’m crazy, delinquent in denial, so obsessed with that point of sex that I relate to the energy and separate myself from reality, what is reality, reality means what I really do, the 99%, ALL about others. Repeat after me, consciousness commands, and I somehow submit because of symbols of apparent authority. Then I think and believe these thoughts are me, that the fuzzy logical way to do it is that, and the consequences in the universal are extreme. In the personal I become a slave to my thoughts, the very thing I attempt, to inflict on others, I become that affliction, that application that program. So I can learn and stop and learn to live practically the best way.

Interpersonal. Everyone sees in plain sight what I’m doing and becomes wary, becomes suspicious as I would if a confident person kept proclaiming I am confident. I become known as a trickster con artist in the department of love, people scoff at me like Mrs. Peart: what the fuck are you trying to do love? You con, you can’t fool me. Between being aloof and totally deliberate, totally deliberate would be best for all because I am actually aware of every decision that I make and I have a conscience. Totally deliberate in doing what is best is best, because if everyone did that the world would be a better place to live in. So I need to realize the reason to change my starting point with X from wanting to fuck her to wanting to support her the best way I can, and give the same to all people starting with one. I created this mess, I better clean it up myself with some spoken words of apology.

Universal. I become the source of gossip for many. I destroy unnecessarily a relationship with one person. I get flagged as a menace and social danger by the group who support X, group.

Rewards. “Rectifying” roughly, my relationship with X is a social experiment in diplomacy. I learn to speak my mind.

Day 398:What Rewards For Dropping Ego?

This is part 2.  Part 1 is here.

Solution to acting arrogant. What arrogance really is is a form of showing off due to the insecurity within, that I am not good enough as I am, there is something wrong or lacking about me. Hence the attraction to those that are “cooler”/”more attractive”/”triggers more sex-related thoughts, emotions, and feelings and activates almost another world in you, another feeling”. With the sense of yearning to own and possess that someone, especially if they are of the opposite sex or if you’re gay, of the same sex. As such, it is necessary to apply forgiveness for the apparent lackings and insecurities and fears and worries and concerns you have about yourself. Secondly, apply forgiveness in terms of who triggers what in you, what words, images, feelings come up as you see this cool guy or girl.

Reward. The most rewarding reward I have to say, is no longer being programmed. What do I mean by this? Well, as you start to accumulate these programs of thought, words, into deeds, it becomes almost as if you are not the one that is breathing. It is as if you are not the one that is living. Your programs, your reactions, and your personality, is doing that for you. To accept thought as master means to accept constant, neverending, endless reaction to be your default state. There is no common sense in programs. Common sense comes from being the repo man taking back responsibility from those automated words mutated into feelings, thoughts, and the task is to let the obsessions go. Forgive yourself. Understand yourself fully, because if you did, you would not let a program decide your mannerisms, your likes, your dislikes, why are you not free to like everything equally?/why don’t you understand everyone and who they are at this stage in their lives, to see that your dislike become irrelevant in the face of this life force in front of you?

In the personal, that’s one reward. No longer being programmed and preprogrammed to fail at Life, but succeed at mind games. In the interpersonal, what you have to gain from stripping away this coolness ego personality is you learn to love people more, in a practicable, sustainable way. The real love that is a realization of yourself. Redirect yourself from prejudicing others severely, evidenced in gossip, to genuine, wanting to place you in their shoes not to ‘help them’ – they can only help themselves – but to help yourself – a greater self interest at play, living the words, what is best for you is best for all, where this you indicates your flesh, everyone shit the same way, your physical needs rather than your mental needs. That is mental, to have mental needs separate deliberately from your physical needs.

In the universal, imagine. If everyone were to drop their ego like what you are doing in one scenario call it, everyone becomes more one. Everyone wants to love their neighbour, the alternative to fighting with gossip. You become more equal to this universe in a vividly practical way: you are essentially dropping your mental needs to honour your physical needs. You are walking backwards back to the time when you were born and when things were not only simpler, but bursting to the brim with Life, a far more satisfying food than energy. Orgasm is an energy, likes and dislikes is an energy. If you are self honest, you would see that yes, your likes are an energy.

Day 397: Cool as Arrogance

Eating at McDonald’s, I saw a familiar face. Not a familiar face, but a familiar way of presenting oneself that I know I have done and probably am doing. It’s arrogance.

Presenting myself with all the hallmarks of a trendy, confident adult: good body shape, walking with swagger, identifying and looking at other similarly priced objects – I mean people. And looking at them in a dichotomy; I have all of this, but I want more that I see in the other. I am afraid of losing what I have, I am afraid of losing just because I did not assimilate the other coolness that I see in this other girl. Assimilate meaning copy the mannerisms and gestures that I personally see as cool, it’s a double meaning, meaning also possessing her through a relationship, add her to my list of toys. Toys being defined as all of the things that I use to bolster my personality and my ego, be it physical stuff, mostly mental fuzzy logic reasonings around what cool and all the personally desirable words I want to live practically implies, and the illusion of social standing, the mental reasoning behind every relationship – general – to justify accepting and allowing a particular version of society/people to permeate and infiltrate your mind’s programming, all the while I feel like I’m flying high falling in love.

Today’s event is of the latter, a social construct. Even in my writing I am wary of this arrogance – so more often than I’d like to I change the words in my writing because they are more flamboyant than communicative.

In the personal, the consequence of being arrogant is simply not being equal to my physical reality. Meaning I lose touch with reality and do some really uncool things like trip over. I become lost in an idea of myself more than engrossing myself into this physical reality, my two hands and the machines I am able to direct and manage, I become really unattractive in my eyes because I think the most pretty thing is a newborn, because Life is obviously what remains before the incisive attack to become mindful by us people. One perspective is this: in spite of maturing into full physical maturity, like a ripe fruit, those that haven’t learnt how to be cool should have equal authority and confidence in themselves to question and participate in this physical reality. But they don’t, as I see I would not be as confident if my body were not fully mature. What fun it would be if I could design my mind to be okay with living in any position in the world, at any stage of life? That’s the aim.

Interpersonal. Obviously I limit myself from being able to communicate with “uncool people”, because I’m fucking afraid of ‘this disease’, and did I mention that I lose touch with reality that is the price of being cool? I polarize my world into good and bad, cool or not cool. This leaves a fatal flaw in the design of my character in that I will eventually be unable to stand communicating and unable to be in a beginning stage of anything, while I separate my world into good and bad, I create a space to disassociate myself from the parts I find uncool of myself, and worship an idea of cool such as a manner of walking, while denying, suppressing, vehemently cursing at 1) those parts of me 2) people that reflect and remind me of those parts of me 3) girls that remind me of “the worst” in me. Being cool stunts my growth as a social being needlessly, as it is needless to be cool as you will notice, nobody cares really. Everyone’s busy with themselves and their image, including finding their perfect image in others, like how you do. I can go on and on about the permutations of this mechanism, but I’m sure you get it.

Universally, in terms of the world, wars are fought because you don’t like someone, because of your decision to make up personal issues with them. Intimacy/communication is impossible, and that opens up another can of worms I don’t need to explain. Gossip abounds due to this separation – the internal separation into cool and uncool/good and bad, the external separation of being attracted and repulsed by objects and people around you WHICH IS just a permutation of the internal separation, or a reflection actually.

In the next post I will discuss the solutions and rewards.

Day 396: When Gossip Gets the Better of You

Should I be concerned? The past few days have been focused on relationship paranoia. Focused on others and others reactions towards me. Specifically, how X would react to my approach/question, the matter of making good friends, and my standing within gossip.

My standing within gossip meaning I posed hard questions to X and X and the lot. In the personal I derive a sense of satisfaction standing up for what I believe in, believing that this is a valid choice. Believing that in considering all the people in that group, it was a valid choice to pose hard questions to them. In the interpersonal there is bound to be a consequence; people are digging for shit about me. X seems rather cool about it, X actually called me to ask me to explain my words on Facebook and any internal affairs in my heart. In the universal, nothing changes except my interpersonal relationships worsen, my credibility is challenged, and people seem to keep a distance away from me now, both physically and verbally. Not that there was never a distance, the distance being only speaking about acceptable things, it’s just that the distance gap widened both physically and verbally.

The Problem is that I am destablizing relationships that need not be destablized, as it is not even done in fact for the ‘greater good’. The solution to do stuff for the ‘greater good’ would be to change myself and remain silent until I get the point, and constantly refrain from being that point of challenging other’s realities/worlds.

The Solution is to, like in the money system, make a standing for myself in society/people’s minds, and gently prod myself in the right direction. It’s no use disagreeing with money and refusing to use it when it is the currency of the day; it’s no use disagreeing with gossip and refusing to hear it when it is the collective creation of many people together, individually and collectively agreeing that intimacy is in speaking of the worst in people and chuckling about it.

The Reward is I become more practical and live the words, use what is here to make the world best for all. It’s my problem when I cannot stand to hear any more gossip about my friends.

Day 395: Decrypting My Social Anxiety

Once you have something, and that something is significant to you, you’ll be afraid to lose it.

Now I’m moving up in the social ladder of society, that means my starting point for wearing clothing had changed from pure comfort to ‘dressing up to meet people’. So in that alone, I’m holding assumptions about the ‘range’ in which people judge one another based on how they dress: shirt, pants, and shoes.

Someone once shared, with a whole network of friends and school responsibilities (this is a student), you would want to ‘get away’ and recharge in a foreign environment. Called dispersing anxieties, unhappiness, letting go of concerns for but a moment, I happen not to agree with this philosophy; that I must blame my environment – physical and social – for what I am feeling, and search for the perfect picture reality for the orgasmic experience of happiness. To me, this is like defining romantic relationships according to fucking, and believing that I ‘own’ her now that I got to fuck her, and seeing the act of sex as moving up in the social hierarchy, “I convinced another through words and touch to do something that is deemed intimate and private, in a way forbidden: you can’t just tell the world when and how you fucked your partner. In essence, defining an action or being in a picture to mean something symbolically – only in your mind – living out an opinion. I’ve been there, done that, and there is a lot of heartache to be had when reality comes crashing in always unexpectedly.

Back to the task at hand. Part of the reason for having anxiety now is not taking depression meds, more importantly having and believing in my past of social anxiety: by the end of grade school, with being stuck in my vocabulary of what is possible, I got distracted and lost touch with what I can do to nurture relationships in general. I did not know how to manage a social life. With observing the prejudices of myself and others around me, and how unpredictable that is because you do whatever you like, it’s your life, a specific question came to mind: How can I cater to each person’s prejudices so a relationship is possible? I couldn’t articulate it then, but technically, a relationship is always possible with every person, due to every person having their personalized network of friends; that friend could have been you in another life.

Plus, being a product of my environment making space for specific experiences, and these experiences forming the foundation of my reasoning, my current main personality – the way I present myself now – is programmed, and like a computer, it is possible to switch programs meaning: if I was in another life, in another environment, my friend’s environment, I could have become my friend. The possibility of becoming who I am now is dead.

Establishing these facts to the death of opinion, the primary reason for my social anxiety was believing wholeheartedly that I apparently don’t know how to relate to others, therefore (jumping to the conclusion) everyone hates me because I am not a good fuck – I don’t offer any social or emotional benefit – to anyone, because everyone knows. They have friends and speak like friends to them, therefore everyone knows how to establish relationships. Like a math geek looking at my working, therefore everyone can see that I don’t know the mathematics of relationships. I am doomed to the life of a hermit in spite of wanting to interact, and in a statement of blame, I was born alone with no guidance on relationship building 101.

Steeped in the emotional reality of my mind – specifically being sidetracked by the feeling that is love – I looked at myself with rose-coloured sunglasses. I have friends, therefore I should know what I can do to nurture and grow relationships. But asking myself how, I “didn’t know how”. Quotations because I was deceiving myself, in this topic/group of words roughly called relationship, I separated myself from physical reality meaning I was ignoring facts: that I am one physical body, plus another, and we relate through thoughts, words, and deeds. Thoughts are included because thoughts attracted a specific presentation of myself to the world.

I hope this explains roughly why I was socially anxious. My previous network of friends in Canada I was separated from, requiring me to create a new network in Hong Kong, but with this shit, it was as if being forced to go to work without pants on.

Anyway, the event I’m looking at is the personally programmed sense of longing when in the vicinity of two or more people being good friends with each other. Being good friends meaning talking about things I disagree with, yet is being agreed on and enthusiastically received by another person. In this longing, is the “insecurity” generated by the statements previously touched on in this blog, the father of my social anxiety. So like reminiscing on memories, getting off the meds unlocked, unblocked, me accessing these memories, and with writing about it, I understand the fuzzy logic that I used to program myself to be unstable in spite of being in a very stable physical reality, with very clear physical needs. So I can, from the bottom of my heart, let go of such memories and stop the addictive habit and the perceived high I receive when indulging in such a pattern of thinking. Generally realizing that this is not best for me, nor is it such a great feeling when I have to deal with so many consequences in reality for this bastard girlfriend of a habit.

So one layer of social anxiety has been untied and let go of.

Day 394: The Gossiping Mind

The Gossiping Mind

Okay, some free writing about gossip. These days I’m faced with a positive polarity of gossip which can be roughyl translated into worship, worshipping the culture of love. What I’m really looking at is how I have accepted and allowed myself to define love, as the word, as the definition, that translates into thoughts, words, and deeds.

But firstly, let me describe the symptoms. Imagining ‘perfect’ moments with the ‘perfect’ someone. Physical intimacy, which is not equal to sex, but how various forms of touch trigger reactions in the emotional mind; a simple leaning on me triggering a sense of relief, roughly speaking.

So in my mind, these imaginations and feelings are a form of gossip, ultimately about myself because that I like this person says things about me, my desires, my dreams I refuse to admit to myself, my fears. Generally, prioritizing touch over the real tasks I do to maintain myself through feeling means weakness. Weakness meaning I do X for myself, yet there are still points existing in me that I believe can be solved through a most primitive act of touch. For example, a personalized affirmation is interpreted as X person leaning on me. Affirming what? Affirming everything I do and don’t do, both the strengths and especially the weaknesses/limitations I place on myself. For example, a limitation can be a belief that I am never real or have any authority/face until a ‘special someone’ affirms what I am.

Problem, solution, reward.

Problem

The problem with this, call it positive gossiping, is it becomes an existential form of masturbating, symbolically. What I mean is, I affirm self-limiting beliefs about myself through external/real stimulus/touch, and that whole job is a mind job; it doesn’t have to be this way. The beliefs about myself being the ‘root’ that roots a feeling and makes it seem real – like the beliefs about what I can gain from looking at naked women – and the external stimulus – touch or using the previous example, X leaning on me – being the hand on the sexual organ. That this is wordplay cannot be realized unless some writing is done. Wordplay meaning what makes up and designs and generates love feeling, are strings of words using logic, that are assumptions about the reality, with the conditions that one, I must be entranced by the feeling and not on the words/sentences – which transmutes logic into fuzzy logic – and two, that I must believe that this is all that I can do, follow essentially a program that I programmed into myself through time and through strings of words (sentences/beliefs) and output a feeling that I believe I must have to achieve happiness. It’s like being a vampire isn’t it; I must do everything it takes to get this feeling/blood because that is the source of my life, this energy/feeling/emotion/love. It’s like looking at a fire and ignoring the source of the fire – wood, let’s say – screaming “beautiful” and “I must have this light to be happy” which in essence, is being provided by the wood/words that constitute a program.
Solution

The solution is to stop participating when such imagination comes up, which I must say from experience, are like images of naked women you generate in the mind. Obviously they/the naked pictures/the lovey imagination was not originally there or instilled into you by the heavens – you accepted and allowed inputs from your environment until it became second nature to ‘just do it’ and generate naked pictures at will, or in this case of love, generate ‘perfect’ moments with the ‘perfect’ someone. The next step would obviously introspect as to the fears and beliefs that drive one to be convicted and convinced that following this imagination is the ‘only way to happiness/relief’, as in a way, my imagination is a reflection. Reflection of anxiety basically, in this case of lovey imagination, as I see I would be anxious and envious if stripped of this imagination, ‘my right/choice to have these wonderful fantasies in the sacred space of my mind’.
Reward

The reward of not leaving lovey imagination run amok is the following. No more obsession, what is the definition of obsession; essentially when in spite of what needs to be done and what is best for all, you focus on something else, usually something that was – meaning in the past – and want to ‘make it real again’. So you prevent the possibility of ruining your life in the name of love. You learn more about you, what’s so good about that. You appease your fears systematically, through purposely touching reality through self directive writing to see the “void” between ‘your actions’ and ‘what is best for you in THE reality’.

To apply what I’ve said, lovey imagination is my action, weigh the pros and cons, with a keen eye on the reality outflows as what happens to the flesh bag that is my body that is stuck in a space-time reality. I lose sleep possibly masturbating because of this lovey imagination. I lose touch with what really happens when I actually meet that special someone. I set unrealistic expectations of my potential partner. I become overly positive/set unrealistic expectations of how events unfold with this person. My experience of myself will be more susceptible to ups and downs of feelings and emotions. I toy with myself with these expectations, when they’re fulfilled (I become arrogant), when they’re not fulfilled (I become wrathful/sad/depressed/indignant/etc. I leave it to your imagination). This is only looking at the outflows that affect me. I haven’t even begun about how lovey imagination would affect the people around you: the gossip, the neglect you allow.

What I see is best for me is if I simply stop. If I stop setting unrealistic expectations of my partner, which has nothing to do with empathy or compassion, expectations are rather selfish, I prevent a hell of a lot of heartache and lost time and effort. Sure, the effort of keeping these expectations is automated therefore easy, but the consequences are not easy to experience.

So far, I agree with what Bernard said about compassion: it’s not a feeling, but a realization of yourself. That you would not like others to do unto you, what you like to do unto others. See what I did there? I alluded to what you already know, that you are not the best you can be.

Conclusion: compassion cannot be a feeling if the feeling is a product of profuse input producing a mind machine that produces output that places you in a pit like imagination: locked in your own world. Rose-coloured sunglasses.

Day 393: Stopping Doubt

So what to do with myself? First I need to snap out of the relationship of doubt I have personally. I can see that the doubt manifests itself as imagining the worst case scenario with the people around me. Then it’s to do what needs to be done. Then it’s to give as I would like to receive.

So doing what needs to be done in this example would be to take on the responsibilities of that job, while not being overbearing or conquering in my approach. Giving would mean giving people benefit of the doubt, not delving into matters that are simply out of my control – i.e. imagining the worst with people – keeping myself running on old tracks/habits/patterns, sticking to what I can physically confirm with my physical senses, and disregarding the rest that is obviously my imagination.

I suppose one ofthe myths that I fueled in myself is the myth of a ‘sixth sense’ especially in human affairs. The dream of having an ‘intuition’ that can predict and harness human relations to the betterment of myself only. The result is I grow paranoid trying to guess what may or may not have happened, and paint a rather bleak picture of the human relationship in me. That people only follow their self interest, that they cannot and will not consider others, as depicted in The Century Of The Self documentary. The part about the Cold War and how that affected human perception.

The solution is simple. Stop guessing.

Day 392: My New Job

I’ve been told that I write to make myself feel better.

At this new job, I’ve been exposed to an environment of suspicion; where it is really the 5 of them against me. My initial reaction to this environment was negative; an overbearing sense of despair and dread of the worst that can happen. And I could not tell you what that was, maybe it’s being fired from this job.

In this, I see that I’m facing the point of ‘fitting’ others into my life. What role will these other people play in my life? Because like someone said to me, I’m not here in this job just to be praised or lauded, am I? Yet, there is a sense of good faith that is lacking in the 5 people I have the pleasure to meet. Well, except for between the 5 of them.

Should I feel anything because I know for a fact that they share things between them that I am not privy to? Should I feel anything because I know that they have discussed my value in their business? Should I feel anything because I know they close the door when no one is around except for me? Should I feel anything because no response is given by them for the time I spend overtime to handle this job and these people?

And should I feel anything because I shared with another X my opinion that there is no homely feeling in this job, and within minutes see the change in the demeanor of the other 4 around me?

In my heart of hearts, there is a precept I am heeding written by Lao Tzu: those that don’t do good to you, also do good and doing so, you gain in goodness. Something like that. Oh, and “the violent don’t come to a peaceful end”. Something like that.

So, I think there is value in staying if only to like what I dislike. I’ve been suggested to “keep my eye on the prize” (I typed price) but I think I have to be wary of my own negative emotion, and at the same time consider who I am within all of this. What can I do that would be best, for all.

Also I’ve been asked similar questions which breed an interesting answer. X asked me, “Why are you here? (Working this job)”. Y asked me, “So what are you doing here, what is your purpose of being here?”

To which I answered, to gain the relevant experience of teaching cello and something else… which at the time I could not express in words. Looking back, maybe it’s the want to connect with someone other than myself – the social instinct to look for more people to talk to. But how can I say that in front of people? Embarassing.

Price. Keep my eye on the price, if I do, then I would immediately quit this job and only stay in the capacity of cello teacher, simply because the transport fees are exorbitant. That and, to be frank, the boss is quite frugal when it comes to the bottom line.

So, yes there is value. As a mind, I don’t want to spend any more time with these people; they are paranoid from my perspective. But like what you dislike. I also need to stand and state who I will be in such environments.

In the next post I will consider who I will be in a suspicious environment.

Day 391: Investigating Opposites

I feel like I’m having to walk the walk now, after having done the talk.

Life update: job +1. Reception at a music school and hopefully resident cello teacher with students to teach. Previously I only had one job at a hiking equipment store.

Meeting new people through work is stimulating. You discover parts of yourself that fell asleep from disuse. Learning a new instrument – guitar – is proving helpful in that with guitar, you need to worry about your left hand placement very much. So it gives me some inspiration as to how I can play with angles on the cello, the angle of my arm and hand holding the bow on the string, the angle of my left hand pressing the string.

And thankfully, my self-proclaimed myth that girls are superior to males in general has been investigated. This is due to having the wonderful opportunity to talk to some real females, and screening their words for some kind of value. The value I found, is that girls tend to take people’s emotions more into consideration and value how people act, not only what they do. The double-edged sword in this all is that girls tend to therefore take things personally, and work the symbolic route more than the literal route.

The value to be drawn from the female-to-female interaction ethic is to, in essence, clarify the definitions accepted and allowed by the other person, in order to understand their response to your words mostly. Because like a girl thinking you’re calling her fat because you exclaim, “Wow, there’s a lot of chips in this bag of chips”, both the personalized symbology and the literal interpreting exists in myself in varying degrees. That means, sometimes I see what X’s actions symbolize – reflecting back to me my symbology and personality – and others I see the action as just that – an action. It’s like the difference between seeing an action, and seeing it then comparing it to my memories of similar actions to draw a conclusion of what that action means.

What would revolutionize the female existence is if a method of self investigation were practiced, because much of the gossip and complaints about situations and people stem from a reaction in herself. Then, I would imagine, an objectivity about the symbolisms in actions would develop. Meaning the female will acquire the ability to take care of another lost in emotion, without sacrificing her mental existence to that purpose. Personally, I need to begin understanding this symbolic existence that is part of people in general, so that I give myself a more complete ability to ‘take care’ of people’s mental state, not that it’s taking care of, it’s more being equal to and one with people – their physical existence one, and two their emotional well being. The literal and the symbolic.