Day 793: I Hate You, But I Don’t Know Why

I thought up a hypothetical situation: when you treat one person well, but he doesn’t care, and when you treat him bad, and he treats you bad, what should be the response? I’ve met a person before that told me once that he hates me, but he doesn’t know why. What does being honest to myself mean in this case?

To me, treating someone well allows part of my pride become dependent on the other’s reply. The technical way to treat someone well is to offer them your services, your time, your effort, your relationships or connections, your experiences, your knowledge, and constantly tell them the truth. Furthermore, when telling them your version of the truth, and it happens to conflict with their version, there should be enough respect between each other to discuss and while ideally looking for an even better version of both of our truths, at least progress towards a more irrefutable agreed truth. Furthermore, specify what is agreed and have both understand when/how we have differed.

This is the reason why people set a system of incremental privileges between people outside of their loved ones. This is the reason why people in higher positions of power, but not the highest, act overbearing.

To be honest to myself, I can’t stand when I treat any person well and they hate me. I still don’t know what to do when a person hates me without them knowing why.

In the current job/management hierarchy separated by job titles and salaries, even this seemingly objective judgment blankets invisibly over all human interactions to bring out, even nurture, specific perceptions that are make believe. They only hold true if everyone plays their roles from bottom to top, then the rules of the game are forced into reality. But in a certain light, because all rules that promote any inequality wreaks all balance, the only rules that are real is do unto another as you would do unto yourself, and treat your neighbour as yourself, give as you would like to receive. The consequences of every statement be it a rule reveal whether that rule is best for all, only one best, the rest that is better for some is an optimistically described abusive rule.

And to ascertain the consequences of each rule, you simply live in that environment over some time. By having conversation with the people under those rules, simply note if everyone in that same environment is growing vividly.

My opinion is my dignity gets crushed when I am working to benefit any single person that doesn’t acknowledge my existence, and rather acknowledge how rules or contracts give them personal benefits. It’s when people tacitly and silently accept the benefits I work to give them that I imagine myself pouring my lifeforce into an abyss with no profound meaning in exchange. The distorted perceptions implied by rules and contracts rise to the surface of my consciousness. And that person’s response consequently implies dictator-like characters fuelled by contracts to be that person. And these characters are the worst in human nature; nothing redeems them because they are ideas and purely harmful. It’s like violence: nothing redeems it, it’s worst for all, it violates equality.

Day 792: The Rational Stupidity of The One

We’re separated into people that matter and people that don’t matter. The attractiveness of the one focuses our worry onto only one. Why do we broadcast news stories not about everyone, but specifically about one person’s story to juxtapose with the trendy fear or worry to affect us to feel more secure about our living? The pattern repeats in sexual relationships: I happen to be most nervous when stuck with one female that I like, yet rationally, how come the same weight and nervousness is not present about what I am doing or not doing about my future survival? Or how come ‘what I do’ doesn’t strike me as world-eroding, in consideration that ALL adults in situ of what they’re doing, thinking, and considering as their responsibility is stagnating the world, mentally disturbing youth, and such effects like forcing each other to make very difficult decisions that further solidifies our collective agreement to make this world a damaging place to live in while we witness atrocities in us and it’s everywhere?

There’s an analogy of self that says me inside is like a room filled with loose strings hanging everywhere, and the only real tool I have in my hands to act allows me to only cut/tidy up one string at a time. As below, so above: living in this world with awareness is opening my eyes to see dirt/strings everywhere. It’s even under my skin, in the clothes I wear, the air I breathe, it’s in my hair, yet I first misunderstand this to be all my fault hence I grow very self-conscious. Self-conscious enough that I don’t do anything, as if I am trapped in a black box with no understanding of what I control as my body, afraid of making things worse. For example, in a certain light, it’s destructive to get a job and self-destructive to refuse to get a job, any in-between choice is deluded. Bernard wrote to me during a chat saying, “What have you done that nobody else over the stretch of civilization hasn’t done, that’s so evil and wrong and bad?” He noted out loud to me that I was observing what was wrong about the world and about mortal relationships and “he was waiting for an answer from me”: a decision.

What is the right choice if every choice I have ever known has behind its consoling face/mask, a vague and deeply felt profound evil feeling that infuses into my blood making me feel like I am suffocating and want to throw up? The more I act and venture out into the world the more intense this feeling of not being able to breathe manifests into my experience of myself. I made the wrong choice when I was first faced with this choice: I chose to numb myself to the utmost in exchange for a perverted illusion of happiness. When I made that choice I also had a strong feeling in the back of my mind that I was going to suffer a very painful waking up and some allusion to a great storm of destruction within or without that means I start from “zero” again. Not really zero, but it’s like gambling on the emotional stock market, making the wrong investment, and becoming emotionally bankrupt. But in this emotional bankruptcy I can finally breathe a sense of fresh air again.

How come I get so stuck on the one, the important one, the choice that matters, the person that matters, the friends that matter, and don’t even flinch about what is making the majority of my choices? Money, sex, relationships. Money that is running this world insane, psychologically unstable, ecologically unstable, making an equal humanity extremely unfair/unequal, it’s like I see how money is motivating corporations to mow down the world with universally bad consequences, but I don’t think once that the same money is motivating me personally to inadvertently, indirectly, secretly subtly, deviously, deceptively wish for this world’s happiness while building for this world’s catastrophe/calamity. The rational stupidity of the one.

Day 791: Realize You’re Afraid, What is Best Only Navigates Through Thick and Thin

I’ve been busy with listening to my music. I listen to many versions of the same music, which I am grateful that I have escaped the transfixation of looking for the best. I see it mostly in buying appliances or electronics, looking for the best is leaving a vulnerability to be sold something. More importantly, I witness my own laziness in investigating the details of said item, effectively delegating my good faith from my own investigations/personal experience to the written words or verbal reviews of people. People in positions that leave the only choice of profiting through whatever means they have. Consequences include not getting the best, having peace of mind through deliberate ignorance, paying more than what is actually necessary, petting each other’s good names and wisdom for recommending and buying that.

The myth goes that as you grow older, the world is less black and white. Yes and no: our innate sense of good and bad is absolute because we judge every hair on our body, every action we take. It’s rationalizing through logic that nature is overriden and we commit to our world view exclaiming our sliver of truth is all the truth there is. Rinsing and repeating shows us it’s good to even leave some benefit of the doubt with our own conclusions about somebody because it’s impossible to gain an accurate description of anyone’s personal history, that motivates their decisions, that leads them to treat you as they do. Literally, our conclusions about people are all conjecture. They may be used as useful guidelines but it’s also true we will never know absolutely. Often their effectiveness is misinterpreted as evidence of our intelligence, but how we have used them has only been self preservation/survival, self gain, winning no matter the cost.

I see actual buildings as if they are visions of prestige. They are real, are they real? It’s the same with the design of the appearance of every product we can fathom; it’s the same with what we want others to believe about every one of us. What gives one appearance more authority than another? I’ve been getting a sniff that if I weren’t afraid of knowing the truth about this world, I don’t know what the truth is. Things aren’t what they seem; peaceful buildings amongst intensive mental war in office buildings. Is the act of consuming peaceful really?

Day 790: Salary – Solidifying Your Inferiority to Change Human Nature (lol)

It’s been brought to my attention that people that have a life in the system are weaker. They can’t mentally handle the shock of being at the bottom of the pile so they become willing to sacrifice everything to stay near the top.

I must admit being an outcast – in a sense – is giving me a clearer picture of the inequality than if I were pampered by the system automatically through my salary. I am only responsible for my own participation and its greater context inferring its meaning. If I don’t go far enough to change my own human nature at its core then because of the preceding designs of overriding self interest I will be totally crippled from changing the world at all, and it will be solely because I didn’t go far enough – I accepted and allowed myself to not change, so I accepted and allowed myself to be part of the reason why this world will never change at its core.

First thing that comes up about my participation is how my acceptance of love has misled me astray. Because of a very long acceptance to “unconditionally love” the personality that grants me life to this day – my mom – I haven’t been adding 1+1. All evidence totals total loss of trust in everything my mom says about me and my situation. Yet I shower her with my affection. I abuse myself by accepting and allowing her to take advantage and stay silent for awhile when I’m angry – until I automatically revert to “loving” her.

There’s this whole myth about being filial to your parents and/or elders. Evidences: only human parents brought you up to think and become greedy and jealous, parents and elders maintain an unequal system which is euphimism for abusive system (it doesn’t add up to feel the world is good because you’re on the good side of the world while geographically isolated from the brutal harsh punishment the same system employs people to do its bidding). Those people inevitably force your hand to stumble on your own confidence and idealism, to become practically fucked by locking up this world in a knot of systems to protect fickle human nature. They accept and allow all forms of psychological torture euphimized as “world experience” to align your conclusions to theirs. These people run Google and censor search results so you never get accurate information, just the same hard sell from infinitely slightly different angles.

Day 789: A Conclusion of History Behind Winner’s Domination/Lying – Profitably Committing Suicide, Or: Profiting Over a Suicide

It’s everywhere, all over everything, and it’s not subtle at all. In everyone’s face is atrophy of human relationships. Understandably, any iota of inequality is written in the booklets of men, and men are apparently always dissatisfied with each other. We reap what we sow, I guess. “Evolving” a system of discernment to judge people in more nuanced ways, forgetting its workings and origin, is bound to be reflected in your neighbour causing you to be paranoid. Sorry, defensive and protective for your loved ones, for agreed artificial abstract-turned-concrete survival’s sake.

So overt that man’s labour to the beat is resulting in humanity committing suicide.

“Make sure the environment is in balance.”
“It’s more complex than banning ourselves from producing with waste that destroys environments.”

Managing a profitable suicide is tough and I agree it to be complicated. Deriving from the opinion that life should be privately owned hides greedy personifications products of this world’s upbringing, and also each of their acceptance and allowance to turn themselves bad. Life is the only real capital because take your life away, all resource and whatever becomes irrelevant and meaningless. My question is how have the majority become gullible to exchange labour for safety and on the surface, sacrifice their caring for everyone else for short term personal gain/luxury/whatever? How come we mutate the definition of caring to tiptoe around the reverse scale of capitalism or organized disciplined greed? We put caring for everyone in the world on a platter to sacrifice to our practical god, and burn it into personal happiness of being kind to people in our immediate geographical influence? Yes, I’m mad.

Day 788: Tips on Process

I want to write more. Every character is enslaved to every character, and embracing an illusion/dream solidifies your status as a slave. Stepping out of character means stopping ALL relationships of a character, maybe changing them to what is best, that sometimes means messing with other character’s/loved one’s interests, to always come back to breath. Breathing is the continuous process of realizing this I that is alive is flesh and is equal to Every One on Earth. It’s suggested that all that is necessary of Each One is to “make what is here in your immediate grasp, something resembling equality and taking good care of all matter, of all forms of matter.” If you cannot escape your situation without dying, that is what is real, and where you must be, and where you are meant to be. Commonly, we think we are not where we are supposed to be, when beyond our personal understanding which partially reflects a truth, we are always EXACTLY precisely where we must be.

Escaping illusion takes one by one. It takes physical time, some discipline, and appraising yourself higher than what you are now. “I can be more honest than this.” “I can explain myself to myself in private more in depth than this.” “I would really like to forgive myself in order to understand what has happened to me, and experience the more.” The “more” in there must be more to life than this. Blogging is so good because it demonstrates one by one. It reveals to everyone for their opinions to collide your inner work that is otherwise, for all practical purposes, invisible. Always, if I resolved some inner work, then people knowing about me holds no power because I’ve gone beyond that shit.

A body on Earth, is a body in the solar system, is a body in a galaxy, in a universe. Logically, I exist because of countless before me, passing the torch of Life now in my hands, and I have a choice to let it burn away illusions or extinguish myself. We are in fact completely alone and isolated.

“I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that as Long as I Allow the Current System of Experience, I am in Fact Only a Creator of Fear in Me and Others.”

Does an illusion having recognition and affirmation from another illusion make me real? How we separate illusion from reality is a solitary process. What happens to me happens by design, and by accepting and allowing the character that I am to continue its blindness. Haves and have nots, but we are all participants under one system where ALL decisions by all participants decide whether Life is real or not. It’s so simple right? Love is conditional otherwise how do we enforce what is best for all Life?

“See for yourself that Happiness While Suffering exists, IS LALA Land and actual Insanity.”

Day 788: 26 An Achievement, I Consider It A Challenge to the Human Race That I’m Gonna Lose, f(x) Sulli Not the Last

I find it inviting. The blank sheet of notepad. At temples I wished that I would love Life. Half a year later, I’m now relishing moments of living, opposite to being an outcast. Opposite to being a NEET. You can say it’s pure survival mentally. Who would I be if I agreed with the opinion that people over 18 with no jobs or education are only lazy, and should either work harder or die as the dead weight they are in society? No way I’m placing myself in position to ascend with that opinion.

It’s as if the world is set up for me as a place to falter. People that know better denting my confidence to convince me to deny what I see. Deny my own understanding of my personal history. Primarily, growing up and growing old is a process of churning you through the world to break you and shape you – falter and falter again, then “reinvent” yourself. This is a blog meant to direct, I meet too many people that are misleading. This world is a very damaging place. That’s what someone said. In my experience, hidden agendas are made as if normal. People that have repeated this life forever, taking advantage of people that lived recently. It’s more practical to sacrifice dignity and honor and be aggressive embracing that only a few winners exist amongst the sea of losers, we’ve agreed to make this mode of living more practical. It’s because the system is so ransacking and ruthless, and we’ve made money the basic reason for going into economic war, that few people eke a scant wisp of charity while the most charitable option is to change the character of the system. It’s assuring to see people charitably giving, how many consider why they are giving within their means? Because of a verbose justification for the opinion that only greed can unify us, I don’t see the voice for an opposite opinion. If there is an opposite opinion, it makes sure it’s fuck away from the influence of greed’s obsession or passion.

In spite of the aspects of the world that are disheartening, I’m living and I’m 26. The police in me admonishes me for being 26 without a job. When I look around, like Sulli’s suicide, she was 25. Sure it was ultimately herself that accepted and allowed nihilism to fester, but she is a reflection of the world. The world accepted and allowed the conditions and games that would bring her up to suicide. A thief is a reflection and byproduct of the greed of the haves; it’s almost as if people like Sulli are the entire reality balancing itself from the extreme imbalance of normal people. If one game can be interpreted either way, why do we accept and allow people to interpret the game to their mental detriment? Wouldn’t kindness be to strictly enforce everyone to view and understand the game in a way that excites people to live; we know how to enforce, we already enforce people to live greedily/survive, simply reverse the tools to really promote living. And if the game really produces consequences where there is inequality, the game should be under scrutiny rather than Sulli for example. There will always be enmity and a drive for revenge for any speck or iota of inequality. You can say the world produces both desirable and undesirable products that are reflections.

Day 787:What Constitutes Real in a Dysfunctional World?

Sometimes being silent affords space to see more of the world and myself. It’s general that thinking in absolutes mostly means you will be wrong. If a coherent truth exists, it would have produced harmony. Being human, all of us can only hear human truths, some which conflict, but can be both true. That means neither is the complete truth, or a lie.

When people are communicating to you, it’s unknown how many of those actions were motivated by actual truth. And what weight does any action or reaction have if it’s based on lies? Even if repeated endlessly, or is the spoken consensus, behaviour reveals painful truths and something deeply wrong with how money is shaping society. The rule of profit justified by survival. The complexity of not harming the environment.

What about myself? What am I doing to myself when I am acting on lies, but I think it’s the truth? What happens to me when I base the reality of my behaviour on the fabricated reactions of others, fabricated because their opinion largely decides rather than the drive to what is best? There’s a truth to being honestly willing to be in anyone’s position immediately and be okay with that.

It’s useful to always work from where you are, don’t mind if your considerations are truths or lies. It’s probably obvious but it must be said: to distinguish “truth” from lies you really apply the sentences to your life and weigh the consequences over time. Lies make everything deteriorate and rot but it looks and tastes good. All truth hurts. It’s almost as if if you don’t personally feel the pain of knowing, it’s mostly a sweet illusion.

It’s a funny phenomenon to scroll the used market. I’m seeing lies concocted by telling trivial facts. A hierarchy of products. What I look for in a material product is never incremental though. In grinders and in earphones, I only recently found out I’m looking for the one. A sound/timbre/slant that satisfies me. A perfect morning routine with perfect consequences when using the noisy grinder. In used, the seller wants to rip off the buyer, and the buyer wants to rip off the seller. But because these are agreed to be the rules of the game, we tacitly agree complaints are automatically lies. We deny and choose to ignore complaints. Take your poison about how as below, so above applies.

Day 786: Desteni Encounter

I would think I’m in agony for being banned from Desteni, which I understand to be individuals walking alone together. A well respected member contacted me to show concern for me. The problem is when he showed interest in the reason why I was banned, he asked me, rejected asking the authority, and told me I’m bothered by my exclusion. Not as bothered but embarrassed at the sense of superiority I harboured during my time with Desteni. Desteni is no longer Bernard’s ship because he died, who’s steering the ship is someone else. In or out, I’m human and part of the species of humans and a speck of dust representing existence like every dust.

Even Bernard noted the message he communicated would be a difficult message to hear in his last interviews. Without Bernard QC, everyone’s blogs decreased in quality as going deeper, but enthusiasm is well and good. It’s unrevealed and unexplained how Desteni judges people to be black or white. For the same reason I was told what I was saying in my blog is unacceptable without a written reason. I was judged harshly for thinking I didn’t post my blog in the respective Facebook group, and post again but my original post was actually taken down. “Kasper, what is your problem?” Yes, I’m the problem.

Day 785: There Must Be More To Life Than This

“There must be more to life than this”

It must be more than a case of black or white, sung Freddie Mercury when he knew he was going to die. People I admire faced shitty circumstances but responded in the correct way, that as a black box the person benefits himself and those in his immediate vicinity, generally avoided calculating and grasped that his person would receive the best if he gives as he would like to receive. It’s kindness overcoming disdain and disgust, very intellectual disdain and disgust, meeting hard fists with a limp presence that softens everyone up.

Could it be that my bottom line – that which is directly spawned by my personality – is what matters that’s obstructing me? What practicality in my morals that leave me in a powerless position only able to survive at a more base level than the jobber? Bernard already said many years ago: ideas that cement you from ascending the competence hierarchy are bullshit. Every moment is a choice to run it to its end or stop.