Day 717: Update

Back in business. I couldn’t write for awhile because I wanted to install an SSD in my laptop. The Fujitsu BIOS settings locked me out from changing a few things, so I couldn’t install Windows 10 on my new SSD. So I reverted back to my old hard drive and it seems slower than ever since Windows 10 is full of background and internet bloatware that slows old PCs down. Shame on you Fujitsu for not allowing your customers to install Windows OS on another hard drive. That means shame on you Lenovo for buying out Fujitsu’s consumer PC department, though I think I bought my laptop before they were bought out.

Basically, this means I have to go to their service centre located on the other side of my country not knowing if my BIOS can be unlocked for free. So I have to take time to go and wait in line without knowing if it can be fixed.

In other news, I’ve been part of a cello ensemble for awhile and now I’m part of a cello ensemble group my teacher organises. This means twice a week practicing outside for at least 2 hours and performing maybe twice a year. And his teaching is showing me all people can benefit from ensemble training, no matter how good or bad they are. But I have questions relating to how not good the older learners of the cello are, I’ve been told your learning capacity dwindles at age 30, like a sponge that absorbed enough water. But my observation of these older people learning from my teacher is they ask pretty good questions, but they ask about rudimentary motor skills I thought anyone would learn rather quickly with some practice and firsthand experience. And I observed their participation with their cello is somewhat reluctant or cautious, almost discouraged by themselves to play their cello. Which gets me thinking, when I get older will I suffer the same symptoms and not be able to learn another instrument at the pace younger people learn? In my scouring of my insides mentally, I cannot fathom anything right now that would slowly accumulate into such behaviour and separation from my physical experience. These older people act as if getting older, you don’t want to experience or do something with your physical body to fulfil an objective like learning how to play an instrument.

Older people tend to dislike heavy exercise and it shows in the muscles of their bodies. For me though, I feel refreshed when I exercise to the point of feeling sore the next day, it’s like that moment of weakness I already feel stronger physically. Or maybe because I know by seeking my own weakness of my muscles I will actually become stronger the next day and get in a little better shape. Getting older I grew to appreciate older people that look normal, i.e. no fat belly, strong legs, in good shape, because I’m finding that I took alot of the physical activity afforded by highschool for granted. When you’re working, there’s practically no time for exercising nor any awareness that people would like to exercise to look normal. The bosses of businesses just saw that the entire perception around wages and salary works to their benefit, so they don’t question this system and abide by it to their own advantage and benefit. The whole idea of classes of people based on salaries and savings is an artificially made up idea that most believe in to their own disadvantage and detriment, often common huge sacrifice from their lives to the bosses of these businesses. The media is geared towards citing differences rather than enlightening us on our great similarities: we all shit the same way, there is no royal ass whose shit doesn’t stink, which implies the physical design and the reality we’re in is one and the same, we all come from the same seed, the same design. The mental differences, reflected in personality and predisposition and intellect, come from our genes so in a way you can say we are not smart by our own choice, nor are we dumber by our own choice. We are born into a set of genes that preordain our intelligence or dumbness or slowness or quickness, and while time gives us maturity and status and wealth, I feel that is plainly abused for self interest.

BUT we all die. We all face ourselves in the evidence of the life we’ve personally lived, and know better than to ignore our honesty as to what we have really done in the context of continuing or stopping this whole universal existence that existed way before humankind. I read Lao Tzu and he alludes to “a way” that gives life to each one of us, time and circumstances bring us to maturity, that is what the good protect and what protects the bad evil people in the world. We quibble and complain about our money completely ignoring the existential harsh reality we face that we all die at some point very soon in the context of existence’s lifespan. Which is that we know what happens at death, but we don’t want to know so we pretend we don’t know what happens at death, and we amass around ourselves internally and externally, this self interest forgetting the interest of everyone counting every single last human being, the predicament we face which we KNOW when it’s our time to die.

The big predicament of humanity is our intelligence is the rearranging of genes in our DNA, that we certainly did not choose to become smarter or dumber, we are only that smart by the time we’re born, and the human experience a vital part of it, is money, status in the society, and power to influence our own world to look and feel better to us. We see the difficult people and the easygoing people, we see our ancestors have hoodwinked others for their own benefit, their own self interest, at one point we join, become obsessed with money or family or love or friends, or power or status or internal wealth and wellbeing, and once we reach our limit in those categories it’s time to die and we’re shitting our pants. The big problem is why has our definition of intelligence been purely used for self interest, why is it so tempting to copy and follow in their footsteps, when humanity’s existence is showing us, we’re being fucked by something from another realm, maybe the afterlife and Heaven, our intelligence is forming conclusions that in spite of us shitting the same way, in spite of our physical design being one and equal, we accept and allow a system that takes advantage and diminishes the most people, and gives all the physical sensual experiences to 1% of everyone, and it’s normal to want to be one of the 1% through our efforts? Hasn’t intellligence told us it’s impossible to be one of them, because they organized the money, political, business, job, family, consumerism, capitalism, investing, system (basically everything that actually matters and is important to decide the rules of engagement for everyone else while giving themselves a god mode bank account or pass) to work for the 1% that’s existed since humanity existed. The key is abdication by all of us our own dignity, and acceptance and allowance of these rules that apply to most everyone except for the 1%, to actually become real rules with real consequences if we don’t abide by them, any one of us. Except for the 1%.

The funny part is everyone else equals everyone else. No 1% can run the world. We have all the physical power, but because of a few faulty definitions of what it means to live written in the laws, and we are taught to abide by the law, we end up quite isolated in a way, by our money we own. We’ve been divided and conquered, I’m being divided by my attention from Facebook and Snapchat and Instagram, I’m allowing and accepting myself to be conquered by the 1% that apparently has all the power, and all the money, and all the rules for making money to never work in my favour only to the 1%’s favour.

The longer I’m here on Earth, the more I have the conviction that creating money is just a swapping of definitions in the minds of men and justifying a sense of value from the work you’re doing. That’s how lawyers and doctors argue how valuable they are to society. But erase the existence of janitors and people picking up their trash, and you have a dysfunctional society with trash. Art depicts money creation the best. You make up a picture using various symbols, some the people already know and some are new and according to your insight of the society, the picture is made a real picture by some processes you do, and you earn money when your peer agrees that this is valuable shit that looks nice and/or triggers thinking in a meaningful way, agrees on the price you set for the picture and buys it. And when you have people that like your ideas behind your pictures and buys regularly. That’s money. That’s how valuable the money system in its rules is.

I argue it’s not the making of a greater quantity of money for one person i.e. myself that’s valuable, it is the creation of more useful ideas and physical products and services that preserve the environment from its invention to its actual creation that must benefit everyone, that’s value. I don’t put emphasis on making money, because it’s pretty arbitrary. It’s based on what people did and thought of your profession, which ends up as a certain amount of money for doing that profession, and that’s your status and power in a nutshell.

Money is not preordained. Human personality and intelligence is preprogrammed, preordained. Cultures are not preordained. The way we interact is not predetermined. Language is not predetermined, but we’ve made it predetermined. What if “the amount of money” anyone has or makes is made second priority through the rules that govern the interaction between each other as the money system’s laws, what if that is second to giving people more than enough money to move and create useful stuff in this world that preserves and benefits climate change, giving people enough money to have an actual voice in the world on the Internet and in politics, and giving people enough money to actually live a dignified life. I’ve been in a salesperson’s life before. It’s far from being dignified. I guess it’s common across the spectrum of types of jobs.

Why do I say sales is not dignified. You have no time to exercise. You give up holidays. You give most of your time to being a sales. You’re left with little time to do your own things and pursue your own interests. Your salary is pretty low compared to some other ones on the top of my head that could have been easily my job if I worked towards it. You hear shit about your work and you get shit from the company so from your boss when they promote you without raising your base salary. When you get promoted, you’re responsible for more work with no gain in your salary, you work more and you get paid less compared to how much you’re doing for the company. People identifying with the company and putting their heart into their work for the company is branded useless and promoted extraneous expenses according to your boss. People doing the dirty work of organizing the stock and actually selling the products is not worth much, pretty much a very cheap thing to buy from the population of my country. Everyone is expendable and is practically nameless because no one is valued at the company as reflected by the wages and lack of pay raises. Appraisal forms are filled in and comments listened to with no action on the part of your boss or company. The boss gets the meat of the profits because of a historical definition of what is valuable in a business.

No boss ever considered that giving like you would want to receive in lifestyle, working hours, salary, would have resulted in a vastly more efficient and more potentially profitable business. Again it’s the boss seeing the definitions work to his advantage and keeping quiet about it, giving a pittance to most everyone except for himself and maybe a few high ranking employees. But enough about me for today.

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Day 716: Desteni Through the Eyes of an Ex-Member

What happens when you dust off a time capsule and open it? That’s what happened when I got hold of an old hard drive and opened its contents. It revealed that basically, one of my greatest fears, losing touch with reality, was granted and irregardless of who or what was responsible, the outcome is I’m still breathing, I’m still alive.

I take note of the vocabulary I exercised from the period of 2010 May to around 2013 August. The spectacular thing about writing is it stays. So writing a diary and a time log gave me a view of my past otherwise inaccessible. I was a teen quite unstable about his convictions within himself, unable to describe what I was feeling and having a third party pressure me to go through procedure of highschool and university, what seems pubescent and immature is actually a way for me to express to myself only my insecurity and a way to attempt to create some stability in myself.

Ultimately failing, but the effort I’m grateful to myself for putting in. It’s because of this effort and the suggestion of writing with self forgiveness specified by Desteni, that I’m able to analyze what happened. Desteni is doing its best to create content that articulates some of the deeper needs pertaining to human nature and an unskewed morality in a grossly skewed morality of the system and of the world today portrayed in mainstream media. Each of the people – they all have names – are attempting to carry on what Bernard Poolman started, which was introduce through convenient forms of communication – of blogs, interviews, writing, articles, essays – a much needed human morality product to consume, in the form of a course.

What self forgiveness taken seriously is proven at doing is learning by doing it yourself, how to articulate vague negative feelings and moods, pressure and stress, interpersonal or otherwise.

What Desteni is guilty for doing is associating itself with religion and spirituality, and through all of its material by the Portal and Bernard Poolman, implying an ascending process to some form of enlightenment. They call it getting to the Physical. And the general attitude conveyed by Bernard Poolman and Desteni at least on the Internet in the past, is treating thoughts, emotions, and feelings as something impure, deceptive, and manipulating, while selling self forgiveness as the way to purify yourself from thoughts, emotions, and feelings.

After some dedication to Desteni and some medications later, Desteni is a group of people with names that made it their life’s work to create a product that systematically removes prejudice leaving common sense and a sense that what is best for everyone trumps what is best for me personally. They are the linguistic scientists to expose skewed morality and values to the people that need to hear it the most, themselves, in private. They are like the explorers of what things people need to hear or say to themselves before they catch themselves doing something morally wrong and justifying it, and by catching themselves doing it, they can stop. Desteni is a group of people pioneering a profession that involves designing a course to systematically teach common sense and remove ignorance and prejudice in anyone willing to participate.

That’s difficult. What Bernard Poolman did was difficult. How do you speak one line of thought that, bar a person already obsessed with their preferences, that can heal a person emotionally and give them the vocabulary to heal themselves word by written word, sentence by sentence, day by day? How do you produce material promoting the ultimate last word in human ethics and morality encompassing all that exists, anything we can name, through talking about things like religion, Christianity, God, money, about random aspects about life?

Bernard Poolman wrote and said things that promote and encourages anyone that listens a greater sense of morality and justice that isn’t the status quo version of morality, justice, and ethics. Business came to mind when imagining the status quo version. The people he left behind that hide behind a name called Desteni, are trying to continue what he did, which is instill and produce material that instills the last word on morality.

We don’t need constant modernized revisions of morality, justice, ethics. One definition considering all that exists and all that we can name, is enough. And is quite useful if you’re thinking about governing a world population.

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Day 715: A Case Of Reason Over Lust?

I just felt like writing and in spite of my proven record of venting through blog posts, I think as well as two channel audio where we sit and listen, sitting down and writing/organizing feelings there’s nothing bad or negative to say about it. Beats sucking in information all day on a screen.

The next challenge aside from writing a now regular blog and not a daily blog, would be organising something into a book and telling a good story and sharing things in a way that people can assimilate and see the same way through my words for a moment and empathize.

I was browsing fancam videos of girl groups whose audience is a more volatile, sexuality driven, maybe alcohol inclined, maybe drug inclined, maybe partying inclined, crowd. But anyway the point is I was ogling women and what struck me immediately was not a hard one, what struck me was how much care and exercise these performers had done to physically be able to do the dance and look good doing it. Then what struck me was how sick these people’s love lives must be to regularly publicly do this as a business to make money, what kind of characters must be attracted and lurking beneath the fame and glory, unless the people they meet to date are somewhat deaf to mainstream media and trends but on the other hand focused on making money. There’s a price to pay for becoming one of these idols, even the most popular ones that seemingly are most benign and toned down. But because it’s not profitable to say that story is not being shared or told on a public platform, probably shared amongst friends and family with the trust they won’t do something stupid like blog about what they were told citing names.

Then I’m older, I’ve passed through the stage of sex driven obsession and adoration for young elders, I’ve got a responsibility to think for the future and examine this material at my fingertips in the context of society and what gifts and harbringers of disaster this material is churning in vulnerable younger people. And I can’t think of anything that was shared by pop culture that put money in their pocket unless it was viewed from the perspective of monkey see monkey do, do the same as me to survive in this most dangerous world culture, teaching people how to connive and win battles of sexuality and good looks and how money – given or received – is attached to your look. Pop culture is quite dramatic in that the opinion is shared that only disasters and poor planning is exciting. So in effect we imagine then produce all these pictures and phrases, through dramas and music, showing people how to fuck up their lives, how to not think, how to plan poorly, how to think in the most shallow way. Love which is the most subjective thing suffuses into every decision we can possibly make, as the most benevolent motivation and the most destructive justification to fuck myself up or fuck someone up.

Where are our great storytellers saying otherwise? We make how to fuck up the most convenient to access and see and hear phrases about. Where are the parents sorting their children’s impulsiveness and grounding it into something that will last? Love does not last in the form we are most familiar with. Love lasting would be the Earth still striving to make life possible in spite of humanity’s efforts to assert otherwise. Love lasting would be an intimacy with one’s physical environment totally separate from screens, and caring for one so not having time for the other.

I don’t doubt there are successful parents that successfully taught their children to avoid calamities. But where are these parents standing up on a public platform to educate the rest in the realization that this world is made of every parent’s families and the quality of their teaching? How many think it’s enough to protect their own and fuck the rest because they’ve found out how to keep their money for themselves and their future loved ones? Many.

So in the modern history of YouTube and websites, Bernard Poolman is an anomaly. Nobody is supposed to talk common sense and find ways to assert the rational in people for the people to overcome their own impulsiveness and poor planning. Nobody is supposed to prevent suicides. Nobody is supposed to communicate a message that lasts as time lasts. He died, but he’s a good example of what a single knowledgeable parent can do. And he alludes to a responsibility that few prove to have taken, unlike him. I can’t think of anyone that’s famous that has said anything of value in as short a time and as direct a means as what Bernard Poolman chose to take. Listen to his commentary before you judge so quickly.

But in spite of this, I think his death and erasing of his own existence from the face of this existence a thorn in my side. He said he cares, he tries to give anyone that listens the assertiveness to lead their own lives in his personal life and in his public life. But he decided to wipe himself out and wash his hands clean in a way? If he continued, he would still bear some responsibility for his words. Erasing his own existence separates him from the life he lived meaning the words he spoke, it’s just floating in cyberspace.

But that being said, I agree with his opinion that we all share a responsibility to Earth that represents Life. We have a responsibility to Life itself that’s reflected in everything that we know exists. But how that is being mismanaged and controlled somewhat by pop culture and mainstream parenting and all the avenues in which we receive messages, has escalated to in my mind an obscene level. But maybe in spite of all human efforts young people will remember Life.

I don’t know. I can’t know. Until next time.

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Day 714: Similarities and Differences Between Video Games and Music

I don’t know what will come out of my organizing my thoughts.  But I’ve made some points clearly in a visually unappealing format of paragraphs.  I’m a writer not a website designer or anything to do with physical appearances.

Game design

– reward specific forms of participation without being too obvious

Process through the campaign mode

Become part of a team

Defeat other players/demonstrate personal ability

Confirm to redeem rewards of money or tokens

Process through ever changing events with suitable reward

– make the player feel like they’ve earned it by requiring some action from the player as part of the conditions for reward

Play the game and win.  Within this focus on a handful of aspects of the total participation that is fairly easy and time sensitive

Pressing the confirm button for rewards

Gambling with said money/tokens and gamble once for free for privileges other than money or tokens

– money assigned to upgrades, tokens assigned to special privileges

– give out tokens for reaching a certain number of repetitions or accumulated repeated actions

– allow players to solve their difficulties by paying real money

– Fine tune difficulty, e.g. A bit too easy at first, normal but not difficult after beginning stages


Similarities between a game and learning to play difficult music

– Levels of involvement and detailing one’s own participation exist, and the game/music should attract the player to be curious as to how to improve personal performance or upgrade social status through various routes, e.g. Getting distinction in music exams, getting A* in schoolwork, working in recognizable and rewarded ways rewarded by certificate, honorable mention, compliments from role models, fame, reputation as what the gossip says about you, or simply winning or earning money, special access, exclusive privileges

– The game developer/teacher must present a presentation – outer beauty and functionality and playability for the game developer, beautiful demonstration and specific guidance that allow the player to personally experience improved performance thought impossible or never considered applying to any area involving living

– living includes playing more difficult music, money, sex, relationships, from relationships more perfect bonds, increased access/access to privileges the player decides is personally important through building relationships (and the teacher giving effective tips to specific difficulties in music or in relationships, family/friend/romantic/school/work/lessons taken in leisure, or in money, work/job/school),

– Including and really rewarding social participation. Game developer: multiplayer, teams/clans, climbing up the ranks with tokens and money and special status symbols of personal ability or financial prowess as rewards for interacting with this part of the game. Music teacher: one on one social interaction conversing about topics relevant to the player and not the teacher, recommending better goods/food/services than the player knows about, organizing ensembles amongst students and solving musical problems with groups playing a song together

– the outer look of your game can always become attractive as your total presentation as a person can always become attractive but long term attraction to either depends on the meat in the game/person.  Game: gameplay, suitable difficulty every step of the way, outer appearance, background music, graphics, enough differences in each level to distinguish them from each other

– it’s people making stuff for people only to use

– music and gaming rely on its living people that demonstrate the best of music and gaming and show off themselves in a public way and the ages depend on its handful of living storytellers to define music or gaming’s value to real life.

– game is as simple as you design it, music has already been investigated as to the possibilities based on 7 notes with semitones, already music has a history spanning generations of investigative work and is already so complicated and technically difficult to play with various genres consisting of various harmonies and/or sound effects

– the gameplay of a game is anything the developer defines and can be an idea, the “gameplay”/playing of any instrument is a physical interaction with a physical object with obvious physical difficulties not obvious as to how to overcome these inconveniences.  However both can require actions not immediately grasped and requires time to develop facility into a comfortable trained movement.  The physical object of a game is usually a console connected to controllers or a touchpad screen designed to be user friendly from the beginning of its idea.  Musical instruments were invented according to the quality of sound it produces placed first, user friendliness placed second

– Usually a game is simple compared to the potential one can personally experience through playing an instrument

– Difficulties are obvious when playing a game while difficulties are not necessarily able to be put into words by the player and the teacher observing and not experiencing firsthand the difficulties of the player

– Classical music specifically has a technical ability aspect and musicality both placed at high levels as a result of stockpiling only the finest minds to have ever written for music and unravel the difficulties of playing any instrument.  Pop places technical ability lighter than musicality, introduces sexuality strongly through the pop star and the music structure/harmony itself, though both have formulas and traditions to uphold.  Gaming is even more pubescent than pop music, little to no historical names of gaming developers throughout history, though gaming has an advantage of being the industry in fashion attracting our finest living minds similar to what music did up to the 20th century

– learning to play music is done in preferably silence, which is a fashion forced to be fashionable, while playing games is done with attractive music and sound effects, including attractive sexuality and limiting physical participation to a limited range of movements.  Somehow instruments present a challenge that’s not too simple, added with how music structure or harmony theory organizes the mind, that ultimately gives benefits of finer control of the body and more objective view of reality, including personal past, present, and future.

– perhaps the crushing difference between gaming and music is that games are designed around a physical object designed to be user friendly already, which relies on attractive sights and sounds referencing parts of reality but isn’t reality (games maybe must uncover truths about reality the developer knows in a pleasing way to compensate for its virtual participation usually in front of a screen touching it or using one controller), music has ultimate unique real voices of sounds from instruments together with the historical achievements of our best people dead explaining and demonstrating how music should be written and how instruments are to be played to play well technically, ample evidence of beautiful demonstrations of what is possible in music, ample pedagogy, a high enough price charged for anything related to music such as MP3s, books, songs, sheet music, music equipment, instruments, performances, lessons, enough common knowledge amongst teachers to present music attractively by performance or guidance, enough brainwashing of the population as to music’s value in society as something expensive and worth it being expensive because of its experience listening and playing music, and enough attractive educators to keep new blood coming into the industry though comparatively less than gaming

– gaming’s target and primary audience is youth funded by parents, siphoning parent’s generosity to their children in the form of buying them games and making the living of everyone involved in the gaming industry plus more games that more specifically target what is attractive to youth in spite of youth not realizing it about themselves (in that sense of peddling snake oil we’re seeing what is in every industry of every kind, manipulating that gap between most people’s minds, what they will act on with money and abusing that knowledge to hoard money instead of presenting solutions to addictions and compulsive problems about themselves).  Music’s audience is everyone of any age and culture, depending on the genre like pop, classical, rock, indie, but any one performer’s reach is geographically restricted and restricted to the movement and remaining time of one human body performing live, though online video has expanded that reach somewhat but compared to how the internet and technology and culture has sold gaming to youth, it pales.

– Young people gravitate towards gaming as an escape or an oasis for whatever reasons positive or negative, young people listen to the music the people around them listen to and what has been always available through TV and radio, so it’s as if music has always been there for all people like young people, so in a way there’s nothing ever new the way a new game is new.  Music talents seem to be dwindling from its peak in the 17th to 18th century when music was the fashionable industry to get involved with.  Now gaming and technology around electronics in general is attracting our measured smartest people from the education system, as a side note money always attracts smart people so finance, stocks, e-banking, banking, accounting industries existed since capitalism existed.

– music does not necessarily present a space to relax for young people, it depends greatly on his/her music teachers, that are good enough to explain the historical studies already written and the theory already done.  Listening to music as a hobby that is used like a space to relax is a hit or miss 50 50 to my observation.

– gaming 99% of the time presents an escape a virtual reality that people want to dive into to experience because games must be designed to inherently be attractive to most 99% of people.  Music’s one purpose ain’t designed to let you jack off or be temporarily spellbound to it long enough to justify an investment into it, game’s one purpose are designed to excite long enough, using any topic they find, to justify the investment

– both require parents to approve its existence and ample consumption from their children which is reflected in the proportion of money assigned to each category/industry through buying games, consoles, attending live performances, buying music, learning how to play it, merchandise


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Day 713: When You Have A Childhood Resentment, What Should You Do That’s Best For Your World?

Lingering resentments from my past I’ve brought to my attention, which makes me curious how to dispel them. Because when you’re faced with a deep resentment, it always seems easier to do what is taught but in that view the real future is not considered at all. I’ve made the decision to confront my deep resentment in the understanding everything gets easier eventually if I do that. Plus to my thinking I would be rather odd living here yet embroiled and entangled in the past causing me to do aggressive harm in many subtle ways instead of heeding that kindness is the best offense and defense. The child in me – that part of me that existed when I was a few years old – preserved behind ramparts of compassion.

The repeated reaction of submission to someone’s mind set on deciding for me what I should do. Each time getting a little more confused, a little more angry, until I reach a stage where I have a home, clothes on my back, a full stomach, yet I can’t breathe: something in me is starving and the decision to live I’m slowly loosening my grip on to replace it with the normal. The normal days of curated curriculums spending work hours in a concrete prison school and education system. Channelling my zest for life into building Lego later on to be cast aside by puberty and my first accident into watching porn. Signalling the start of an obsession together with judgment, in being normal forgetting what is normal and this is possible. Watch a society in chaos and you see a living example of the normal not anchoring the minds of people so you end up with normal people harbouring bizarre obsessions, pastimes, habits, activities, philosophies, to rather violent ways of being human.

Digging deeper, I need a skeleton. My first relationship, and the one I trusted in good faith the most and blamed the most and possibly defined my life according to the most, my helicopter mother when I could first remember. Having a curiosity to what it would physically feel like if I stepped into a puddle, walking towards it and being violently pulled away with a staunt phrase, “You’ll get yourself dirty if you go that way!”. Moving on to my second school and faced with a moral predicament of absolute extremes: I have maybe 20 years left on my sentence, do I stay quiet and obedient to material that doesn’t interest me, implying responsibilities that I sincerely think are useless and wasting time, do I buy into this education system in front of and around me encroaching into my creative time building Lego, the one activity that’s kept my zest for life intact? I said to myself, “Fuck it: emotions, do what you need to do to keep me on this normal path of an obedient student and wake me when I’ve finished my time. I let go of the responsibility for my life because I sincerely think people know better than me, and put me here precisely as a result of their wisdom and intellect and foresight. All of them are doing what they think is best for me, and I believe that. As for the rest of time not in school, I’ll try my hardest to pleasure myself to make this ride somewhat less rocky and unpleasant.”

And my golden years were spent procrastinating on school responsibilities and within that estimating and being conflicted in myself of the morals behind my decisions to be normal, yet not having any memories to reminisce and learn from (I was a blank slate). And in my naive trust in the goodness of others, I also crucify and blame others and my mother the most. My years spent on hundreds of thousands of hours of TV and video games, anime since it was introduced to me by my eldest sister. And in the same beginning holding a hope that everything will turn out well in around 20 years when I was around 11 while a) not foreseeing that TV and video games that are something will accumulate into nothing valued by jobs or people when they’re older, b) harbouring a deep compulsion to hoard and huddle around my items and activities representing comfort and a general high or positive inner experience, wherein this compulsion replaced an otherwise wholesome attitude towards what needed to be done, meaning I was empty of past and future, but because of my upbringing I suspected nothing of others. It’s sobering to recount the conflicts around the world that were happening while I was playing with really small ideas around my education and myself, and that mental illness and harmful behaviour has always thrived in capitalism that has been effectively omnipresent. Where was I when all this conflicts were happening in the adult world, the world we consider more real than a child’s world? Where are all the kids in the world while this is happening and what kind of environment are we sustaining for them obviously expiring at 18, yet they are independently thinking and breathing parts of The life that have always had the exact same responsibility to life that adults are known for fucking up? We as adults say pretend that children are the future, and represent something precious because of their general kindness, yet we have the guts to give them false information and false sense of reality by constraining their contemplations on only themselves and the education system they interact with. Which totals up into all the time they have, being measured to be harmless and planned to fail them when they really need it, useless family time + useless responsibilities towards the education system + time done in schools + intermittent hours restricted to hobbies + a natural teaching by everyone to compulsively seek what represents comfort to them personally, that in a way were absorbed even before then + the shameless encouragement to lead the crowd and be the majority which apparently has all the power without understanding what power is according to one life + parents “teaching” their children + money’s influence in personal interests and projects all = possibly an entire 90 years of human life repeating the same conflicts and insisting on aggression and violence and cynicism over kindness.

When my mother acts in a similar way to what I’ve remembered I deeply resent her. These days I’ve been very touchy and moody because of remembering all that childhood, yet I understand lessons are more useful than resentment. That’s why I’m writing this, to put an end to living in the past and re-introduce some stability in my mood. In essence I wasted my own time under my own impressions and assumptions of what is the world for 25 years. This ain’t a drama, I’m not going to keep blaming others. Yet to think at one point I thought I was here to save my mother from her suffering which I clearly understood from her face. Geez I haven’t got myself in order yet.

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Day 712: These Are The Real ‘Crazy Rich Asians’

I think I’m supposed to watch with envy the richest 2000 women that wear hundred thousand dollar dresses and do couture. What surprised me is the age of them and the vocabulary they use to articulate their interest in fashion. When there is a point when you earn so much money that the price doesn’t matter, and the money system allows for one person to spend millions on a dress, to me that’s an indication of the sickness of capitalism where in the frenzy we let people make these decisions secretly. If money is precious why do we collectively allow such possibilities? There’s no such thing as being too embroiled in our personal life encompassing money, relationships, and sex, that we’re incapacitated to make big political decisions regarding economic policy. We have the audacity to let this slip, how will we assert the value of life through money? Is an Equal Money System more horrible than the current capitalism that allows unbridled luxury and ecological disasters? What is so radical about giving the most pressured parts of society enough money – enough of a voice – to create the needed adjustments to prevent ‘this world’ from happening again?

What about the accepted and allowed behaviour of splurging itself? How is it acceptable that any guy/girl is negatively pressured to seek an outlet and find it in proportionally large spending? There may be rich and poor, but the mechanisms in all minds share a culture, share a language that makes us the same. Yet psychology is uninterested in one answer to solve the invisible crises of suicides and more business for psychologists/psychiatrists catching depression and whatnot. For most people, money lies at the heart of our struggling: the concept that one has to earn one’s living and that we are not already living, the acceptance of the concept of rich and poor, the way money preordains the breadth of our relationships which is geographically based. How come we take for granted our birth in a family with money, and use it so carelessly when 50% of the time people are born with no money, with no opportunities for employment or proper education, and we just accept it? How does the news ignore this problem?

I’m curious about what the richest do to work for their money, and whether it is a profession that would endure in a radical economic change to an Equal Money System. Then there’s the age old story of men splurging on cars and women and houses and watches, suits, bags, whatever. When you’re rich enough it crosses genders and ages, and culture is not so important as the money culture which is a mental illness: how else can people allow their daughters to do couture in the economic and political climate of today?

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Day 711: What Are Your Priorities, And What Consequences Do They Bring? What is The Value Of All Intelligence?

I’ve something interesting to think about. Everything I’ve written is relevant to some degree, but I’m realizing the content of my words is perhaps too condensed and not presented in a visually pleasing format. So how would I summarize X years of blogging/life/hard knocks?

History, news, popular media in all forms, education, to teachers, role models, other people older than you, I see as a bad person presenting themselves as good while not knowing they are bad. History and news is written by the winners which is obviously the capitalists the business people of the world international citizens of the world. 98% of us work for these businesses and are prepped and tailored and nurtured to fit into this 98% from birth, from the very first words we understood from our parents. Because our parents are also bad people that don’t know they are bad, they teach lessons like always pay your bills, avoid debt like the plague, only work for what will be recognized by the systems, a minority naturally have an affinity for personal achievement which in my mind, form the foundation of the collective thought, “This world is working, look at him/her, the #1 getting all these perks throughout life from adolescence to adulthood.” Most of us are forced through a system and through no options offered backed into a mental corner until we snap and are disgusted with what we have, which is perceived as nothing and dirty and uncomfortable, and we turn our focus to what we may have IF we do what we’re told. The education system repeats itself in the work system, with your various grades of people valued according to his usefulness to the business, a curriculum of business-related skills, only now the curriculum is somewhat hidden and encrypted by everyone’s sneakiness about bullshitting the businesses how valuable they are to it, thus affecting their net worth, their money.

There is such thing as a person trying to be good and having the best intentions, but upholding and representing, standing in a position that betrays their best intentions.

Bernard Poolman of Desteni said it, I will say it. The money system cannot redeem itself, there is nothing valuable about competition and dog eats dog or respecting how there is a gap in populations all are trying to manipulate to take their money and run with it. Nothing can be done to resurrect the current money system in terms of preserving it in a way that ultimately benefits all life. Politics has always been the means of deciding money system rules like taxes, to basic income grants, to the nature of the money system within a country. It’s the means to accomplish the end of suffering in all forms. Bernard said this, at some point we will have to agree on a representative that will uphold our values and policies. The crazy of business elites cutting taxes and stuff through politics is going to add up until we are financially backed into a corner.

All charitable activities if they do not present the ultimate goal of ending and replacing the current money system, they’re supporting the current capitalism and all of what that entails, i.e. massive suffering and annihilation of Earth, crazy business elite’s plans to make more money with less effort. Charity is a bandaid justifying the existence of capitalism. If charity didn’t exist we would have been fed up with capitalism and changed it already. Or maybe not. So aside from physical needs, food, water, housing, a job that provides enough money, skills to justify one being in one’s job, the maintenance of physical health and mental health, transport, electricity gas water, the other optional services and goods ideally we would be more careful in spending our money. Because if charities support capitalism, businesses support capitalism. Every business if they do not present their ultimate goal as ending and replacing the current money system, are greedy individuals saving their own ass with money in their ignorance that Earth provides EVERYTHING, EVERYTHING can be provided to EVERYONE as long as everyone agrees.

Therefore be more caring and careful when spending loose money on optional goods and services.

Or do what everyone does which is alleviate the personal clutches of desire not thinking about tomorrow. Or whatever everyone does without thinking about tomorrow. And be what everyone is, an individual power source powering up capitalism and oiling the cogs of greed and abuse under the guise of profit and return. Don’t you want to be the reason why the world is not changing drastically? I fancy myself growing up to be one of those billions of reasons why the world doesn’t change, it’s a meaningful cause isn’t it?

Just watch the TV from decades ago and one taste a glimpse of how drastically our objects of attention have radically changed and been altered by us, and by people “in power”/”that are powerful (so powerful they must remain hidden)”.

So if you think human nature cannot change. It’s been changing at a faster pace since 100 years ago.

I don’t want to be caught with my pants on fire being one of those fuckers that drove the economy and spent all his cash on short term wants and all of his time on personal masturbation of gratification/happiness. When the shit hits the fan, I want to be one of those people that said “I tried my best. Look at my spending record. Look at what I’m investing my time into.” Though, if Bernard is right, one person actually changing would change the entire world, so if I “did my best” and the world did not change, I am responsible and boy will I be weighing down on myself then with the burden of responsibility.

It’s a myth that young people have young people thoughts, and old people have theirs. We are all existing on a physical plane that allows all of our bullshit. We’re agreeing to war on all fronts. There’s no God, it’s just humanity. If humanity were annihilated tomorrow so many problems would cease to exist while some minor problems remain of how to equally distribute resources to parts of Earth that need it.

So to you reading, re-examine your priorities. I got to re examine mine.

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Day 710: This is What You Should Do When Emotionally Backed Into a Corner

I have no secrets to hide that’s why everything I write is public. After reading a Facebook news of Jeff Bezos renovating his 5th mansion juxtaposed with an Amazon employee living out of her car, and events happening in my life where I myself am uncertain of my future in teaching music, watching the products of show business in my local area and watching commercials about baby powdered milk, there’s alot of things and projects that people do that one just juxtapose with the imminent pollution and death of the sea, so many things and projects perhaps even my own is so criminal. We may have needs, but to prioritize our entertainment and money so we can believe we’re sane and mutter whatever monologue will make us easy to sleep at night, witnessing the slow downfall of human civilization in the garbage we produce and justify with a money backed lifestyle with manmade responsibilities towards money leaving the responsibility to life hollow, makes me think all of us from rich to poor are criminals to vastly varying degrees but the nature is common like a thread uniting all of us like the physical reality allowing us to face our fate, oh so personally tailored for each and every one of us.

What am I doing, learning about the system of knowledge called music with the intention of passing down the exact same knowledge to others as a teacher, what am I doing becoming a teacher while I use the same money as the most corrupt individual that is the only justification to tie everyone’s hands up by debt? What have I been doing since my birth while the crimes of capitalism all young and old embrace while this big question was postponed for an answer? The question being how have fools and wisemen justified protecting the heart of this human world while this heart has only harmed all of us as a species in spite of believing in my own intelligence, and what are the steps to stopping this problem that is behind so many other problems. Corruption how has it become so pervasive and so convienient to believe in one narrative and treat it as gospel? Where have I been all this time? What value is my conflicts when they are the product of a corrupt governing body of people, hiding behind politics and money? What is the value of my life lived so far when it has been forged and been made make pretend by people with money and power?

What is the meaning of life? Its meaning has been only money. To this day I’m like everyone else trying to find a way to secure his/her own money. What is the meaning of capitalism system of human management psychologically and physically as we all know how physical money can create something out of nothing. What is the meaning of education when it teaches us to forget what life is and when education demonstrates money is the apparently ultimate meaning of human life. We’ve become people that care about life and really kill life at the same time. What is the meaning of caring about life when my definition of life is so restricted to what I notice and not what exists? Until the money system resets or something every word we utter about caring about life including Bernard Poolman’s words don’t contain the good intent that we intend to show. Desteni as a group of people producing material that are words spoken I don’t think the good intent exists, and I’ll tell you why. Everything and beyond your imagination is brought to life through money, Desteni’s recordings are no different. Because everything such as services and recordings and material all charge money, in the context of a destructive money system, how do you distinguish which bills or fees are good and which are evil? Or how do you categorize which people, in which all people demand a price or a fee, which people are the ones to fundamentally change the money system which is equal to solving the big problem, and which people are self protecting and choose not to change anything, so all interaction with the latter people is useless because the people themselves choose to become useless in the context of life and supporting this existence and not exclusively the human existence?

Phrasing questions has been therapeutic. I thank myself for allowing me to articulate my feelings and it will become open source material for any other human being to ponder when I die. It’s probable that the people are so lazy while being so hard working that the money system will span generations before extinguishing itself. I’ll be an example of one measly human life trying to make sense of everything thrust in front of me just like how everything is thrust in front of anyone that is born as a human.

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Day 709: A Meddler’s Explanation

I may be a meddler. I write myself out speaking to a stereotype that earns only plenty for personal interests and not enough for any social or political ventures. It’s as if I’m explaining myself to a theoretical you who has a well paid job but no owned businesses what I would do if I were in the same position. I’m not at break even yet, so it’s like when I see people in positions of economic status that have an intention for a better world but their position betrays their intentions I hit a soft spot. An insecurity of being 25 unable to pay his bills, no social standing, maybe one person he can talk to, no marketable skills. An aunt described me as having nothing, I don’t think so: I have my English, what common sense and normalcy I’ve preserved, and I did graduate from highschool. But what I have is not seen in the eyes of one who is wishing to do business with me through contract, taking advantage of me to put it bluntly, being useful to another to put it lightly. I have some aptitude with playing the cello that needs to be developed to get a diploma. I am putting myself through practicing and learning theory to be a cello teacher, but aside from what I can already do, the rest is naturally uncertain. And the potential is seen as nothing, in imagination it could be everything, but right now it’s nothing. No, the potential is there, but I can only keep practicing and nothing big can change without getting a diploma, like a job change.

I’m in a transition phase. I haven’t felt so worked out and in limbo like right now. But even if say I am earning plenty, I don’t see anything in the way of presentable skills I can offer to anyone so I’ll feel like in limbo. I would feel much worse if I studied economics and were hired for his useless knowledge of economics, useless because I’m not the dominant opinion directing the economy show. So I would like to have personal skills and not barter with knowledge accrued from primary sources of knowledge. I found out later, instead of realizing it in middle school and preparing my hands until university to specialize in something requiring my hands.



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Day 708: This Blog’s Purpose

I first started this blog to introspect an inner reality that was out of balance and quite frustrated. Now this blog is capturing my strongest interests, is a platform from which I write into stone my will, and is evidence of my life, one human life of not wanting to end up like them. Them that chase after personal achievements, affirmation from people, money, maximising personal enjoyment. I agree with the dated notion of an altruistic life without its compromises on personal affairs, and no one ever forced me to live a completely selfish life.

There are feng shui masters in the world that are hired by powerful and wealthy people to be their guard dogs, guarding against them from an unfavorable future. As a form of repentence from brushing shoulders with the mafia and the darker characters that run darker businesses, these people guard their knowledge from people likely to fall into temptation and direct money to poor areas to build schools. With the proven track record and evidence of all aid organisations and charities, all innovation and good will seems to only be expressed through the same money that takes away from others. If they were wise they would realize any solution not confronting the money system becomes a bandaid solution not helping everybody that needs help. Without a doubt, personally helping others with money is a gratifying experience. At this point it seems everybody falls into hope that because I do good deeds in the context of my world only, I will have a safe and peaceful afterlife. But existence is like a physics experiment, you have to fathom the entire existence and your effect on this entire existence just like you have to see the entire physical system and all influences that direct the objects. That being said, I have no such achievement as building dozens of real schools employing real teachers teaching real people in poor areas, but having understood what Desteni is conveying about the afterlife and the concept of a life review, weighing this achievement to what is required for the entire human existence to change, everything but a political change in the money system would efficiently cut off the motivation for all evil acts done on humans and a new world of equality born, everything but that wouldn’t balance out everyone’s crimes against each other. To make this change in one life is highly unlikely if we were to let time pass normally and be as apprehensive within ourselves about changing ourselves.

In my view, we have the guts to talk about all manner of forms of personal enjoyment and everything else but what’s important. What’s important to me is that I make myself clear on what I’m here to do, which is to eventually fuel a political movement to change the money system, while not catching any diseases of desires and hidden yearnings for anything. If you had read about an Equal Money System, you would immediately see how extreme our current money system is at driving us humans to take advantage of each other and what is extreme and unsightly is everyone’s evasion of the heart of the money matter and our repulsive behaviour when we are in a large group. In my view, we have the audacity to make up numbers and call it an economy and stocks, and spin stories about its futures like it has any weight to it, but the moment we refer to a political movement everyone is groaning and seclude themselves in their personal reasons and justifications for not understanding and directing the politics in our countries. If we have the audacity to base our own futures on a made up system of numbers like stocks and economy, that fluctuate according to opinions and not facts, I have the audacity to make my political standing clear and look in spite of everyone’s unwillingness to look at how the money system is fuelling both good and bad businesses and projects. This concept of money and that you are born without it, which makes you lacking, and constantly needing to seek out money to sustain your own living, I can as well as you can tell it’s an idea not integrated into us like our personal attributes it’s a piece of policy that hasn’t been questioned. Our ability to hypnotize the younger people and ourselves into thinking its a God ordained reality is formidable.

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