Lust for women. I’ve been guilty of fuelling the lust for women, and to my limited existence of mind, it was a “necessary evil” otherwise, I had nothing to “live for”. Being discontent – extensively – with how the world was changing to crusade against my mind, from primary school to grade school, I gave myself no outlet to express this discontentment. I kept it to myself as a reminder that no matter what happens, Life is here and that I must treasure Life. I couldn’t put it to words at the time, but at one point I was thinking to myself, “Gee the mind will abuse as an absolute certainty everything I can observe of this world.”, and I made another critical decision in my life. I said to me, “I’ll minimize the damage that the mind will wreak on my life, and I’ll place discontentment as a reminder for me that there is something else”. At the time I did not have vocabulary to define what that something else is. Now I define it as Life. So it compounded like interest in a bank. At the last strands of my self imposed torture – it was as if I had space to breathe but I had no space to breathe – women became noticed by me. I had suddenly become aware energetically of women.
And that energy felt amazing. I could breathe again with this positive energy that for some reason, women symbolized practically for me. They were The Symbol of positivity to me. It didn’t help that I also “accidentally” downloaded a piece of porn and watched it. And masturbated to it once. And that “sealed the deal” for me, women were positivity. So every now and then, I started the ill habit of masturbating to porn. It was really easy to find. I didn’t question why, I was obsessed with this phenomenon that allowed me to breathe more easily and I didn’t know how to face myself at the time. I accepted my discontentment as an act of God, so Christianity really made me fear God. My home wasn’t religious to any degree, but somehow Christianity I believed to be true, the fact that there is a God watching you, and judging you for good or bad deeds done daily.
Guilt piled up each time I masturbated to women. I saw this as “a sinner’s deeds” and I judged myself extensively for the actions I couldn’t deny to myself had been done. Discontentment + I am a sinner = rage against myself. It didn’t help that at the age when I was given my personal computer and private space I moved from Canada to Hong Kong. I didn’t mind the move, I didn’t mind making new friends, but another event conveniently placed itself to further incite this ill habit. I met “the one”. I couldn’t understand it. I couldn’t believe it. Have I hit the motherload in positivity? Nothing else can be said. I became an addict to masturbation.
What I noted in my observation was each female represented an individual “feel” of positivity, and I noted that I could “feel” their energy when I imagined being together with them. So I picked and choosed extensively, I thought there was no harm since everything was imagined and not real. But slowly but surely, I stopped participating, I wasn’t so honest anymore, I wasn’t so intimate anymore, the more I masturbated the more I closed my eyes to this reality in guilt and extensive self hatred. The self hatred is why I never actually tried or attempted to be with any single woman. At the time I reasoned to myself deceptively that I couldn’t withstand rejection if I dared tried to ask any one of them out. What was real was the energy I experienced at orgasm and my awareness that I was abusing women through my mind through imagination. But alas, I had no vocabulary to define what it was I was experiencing: no concept of self honesty.
Intermission and interjection, Desteni I will be eternally grateful for because they gave me the words to define my experience and take responsibility for them, one at a time. Nothing else of this world seems to understand nor have any interest whatsoever at understanding what mental hell is.
I continued downhill through highschool. I took masturbation to its ultimate point in university. And I crashed. For various reasons, but what is relevant to this discussion is that no one cares at all at all times what you are experiencing within. You gotta give that to yourself and make it your own, that honesty with you alone behind closed doors. It did not help that at highschool, I was the ladies’ man. I was the one that every attractive female seemed to fantasize about at one point. I was the point of indescribable hatred by my fellow males. But that didn’t matter to me in highschool, I was just discontent with my whole experience. Extensively. I wanted to do well at school but couldn’t. My rage just was left to its demise unleashed and fiery within myself. And what I could observe of reality narrowed and narrowed and narrowed to the degree that when I was placed in a winner’s position, I would not care or register that at all. I was just discontent with myself. That was my obsession. This discontentment with the world and how it’s treating me, or more precisely how it is not treating me at all. At one point I said to myself, “okay, I’m just a danger to women everywhere. I see it in my imagination. Gg (good game).”
I was honest to myself that knowing what I know about myself, I adamantly refuse to inflict myself on any of the women that I liked. I would not allow it because I knew I would probably harm them. At around this time, 2010 of May, I found Desteni. The message was and still is, you can do something about your experience, just take fucking responsibility. And I was down with saving myself from my self created hellhole. I refused to wait for someone or some God or something or some situation to save me. I was impatient. And the rest is history. I am the eloquent storyteller that you read here. No one cares about the trials and tribulations that I went through to get to this stage of expression. All they see is the positive. But I tell you, read my blogs from day 1 and you will get a view of the hell that I created inside myself. And through the valley of the shadow of death, I remain. I’m still breathing. And I cannot believe that such experiences are being repeated and minds going deceptive every single fucking day I breathe. I cannot believe that such experiences and deals with the devil that people make with their own minds are being repeated. That’s why I stand as this blog. I’m here to educate you fuckers to stop fucking up your world.
A moment does not go by when I feel the guilt and shame of allowing an education system and an economic system that perpetuates nonsense. I’m 24 now, I’m not a child. Little did I know that from the very first day I was born, I am and remain responsible for the world as it is. I have an opinion. I think parents are fucking scared shitless of their children. That’s why they send them to school to be conned into the ultimate lie: the lie that you must sacrifice yourself to make it in this world. There’s many ways of phrasing it. I’m fucking angry and am channelling this rage to walk my own process. To pave the way for those that hear me. I can’t wait until the new generation kicks us old fuckers down to scale and implement an Equal Money System in the world, for the whole world. I’m waiting, but I’m doing everything I can to make it happen faster. I will not wait for you. I will walk ahead and see what is on the other side. In many ways. Thanks for reading and have a good think about whether you will help yourself or not through self forgiveness and self honesty in common sense and absolute specificity.