Almost dreading and feeling the doom very well, today’s theme is retracting. From birth to now, my life can be summarized as a cycle of attracting, then retracting. Getting my head stuck in and focusing on what is most obvious here, then thinking about myself and my total life’s arc and what meaning can I thread from this immediate action right now and the moment I die. For example, education and studying. I’m absorbing, I’m standing stable in a position and routine of studying, then at the moments where I am able, I think about myself. I doubt that what is presented to me right now is what is important to all Life. I doubt that this day by day, moment by moment participation is amounting to anything. Then I retract. But with retracting there is no understanding nor embracing of what I note about my observations about what is here as reality.
For a long time, I have been in a cycle of ‘sucking it up as a man’ and ‘manning up’, that led to my observations carrying more and more weight while I resist them, thus they persist. And they have persisted until I place myself in a no man’s land, an ‘in-between’ purgatory where I don’t want to work, and I don’t want to study. But the days I have been diligently sinking deeper into embracing and understanding, the more I get the sense that I’m doing this to myself. In a world of co-creators, where the basic constructive action is to reveal self deception, my experience and process and journey to Life will be so much abundantly less if I cut people out of my life, and don’t plan on meeting new people sometimes.
It’s like I’ve been consistently been disappointed by meeting people ‘in the world’. I’ve had the impression that one of my role models, Bernard Poolman, faced a similar thing with people. So it’s very easy to get lost and lose yourself if, before you’ve made your own direction clear, you think about other people and for example, how much they disappoint you and make you suffer. It’s an impossible choice to choose to retract from one’s world in a world of co-creators. In my example, thinking about myself not in a results-oriented way sort of allowed an infection of a laziness, a loss of meaning, a confusion about what purpose is the best purpose, and basically all summing up in a retraction of my participation and an isolation into my own mind of thoughts about what is here. The infusion of emotions AND feelings into my observations only exponentially raised the confusion factor. It’s like – the physical is what it is, and I’m telling myself my mind is more trustworthy as an advisor about what is life than the Physical? Why do I believe my mind so readily and automatically, but not what whispers in silence as the Physical?
So the way or method I found worked for me was 1 + 1 = 2, this is the summary of all relationships that can ever possibly be made in real physical reality existence. Trace the stories I tell myself to their root and origin, admit to myself my own sentiments and observations and instead of delaying their consideration by ‘manning up’ or ‘taking it like a man and getting over it’, for a temporary moment hold each sentiment in the human physical body, and define the energy. The thoughts that circle are already defined, but it’s important vitally to define the energy amongst them.
It’s one of the key observations about the difference of mind and physical. The mind repeats the episode with a different appearance. Physical practical permanent change makes everything unpredictable because in a way, you’re stepping out of character by committing to permanent change, and asking what is the best directive principle you yourself can manage. You don’t just uproot a tree, being of mind substance or physical substance, just like that in one moment.
So it’s one of these confusing statements about ‘living and applying yourself’ let’s say, and stopping ‘thinking about yourself’. Everyone has always been in the perfect condition with the critical details already known necessary for permanent change, we just haven’t been good parents with our own knowledge/information-children.
Kasper's Journey To Life 