What is control within me? How am I controlling me? What is defined as control when I look at my mind, myself, my relationship with me and my definitions?
Control brings up a memory of an observation I had about my family life at one point, where in a family with two siblings, we each went into our rooms and did homework, and I noted the division of labour amongst the family. I knew that the driving force of the family was my mom, and strangely enough, rather than seeing the nurturing part of the whole ordeal, I interpreted the situation as quite cold, mechanical, systematic. Like a factory to produce people like my parents through me and two siblings.
I would eventually admit that the times when control gave me a result that I wanted, that was control too, but the intense force of control, feeling claustrophobic, I defined as my relationship with education. Because I was given a taste of ‘freedom within control’ as a Montessori school, the whole idea of having homework, tests, and exams I felt I was not briefed on its role in my entire life’s arc. I held the interpretation that I was doing fine until one day, some authority called teachers and school and education system told me those days are over, and I will be subjected to a lean regimen of homework, tests, and exams according to a preprogrammed curriculum.
It was at these moments of wanting to fight the homework, tests, and exams, but not knowing how to, that I downgraded my participation at school from a mental exercise into a great excuse to hang out with friends. I relished the time that I had to be with my friends. Making friends by seeing where they can be guided to an equal standing, thus equal understanding, and assisting and supporting people in a gesture to make friends with them, that kind of gift is always appreciated. Inevitably, the only way I thought I could voice and stand up for my reluctance that became procrastination, was failing to study for tests and exams, and refusing to do homework, or do homework with the bare minimum effort and attention.
I realize now that what I wanted to communicate and make real was my observation of the weaknesses of a system based on competition, thus the dysfunction of a person whose mental design is primarily based on competition rather than cooperation. I felt that the education system was hard selling me to become an ideologue for competition and inequality by controlling as much as possible what I am allowed to do, and because I couldn’t see within me anything that would prevent brainwashing or conditioning, I resisted each step that teachers laid down as the rules by doing each step halfheartedly. I couldn’t shake the sentiment that I was chewed up, and spit out by the education system. Left with 20 year’s deficit with at least 20 years of time that I felt were wasted.
Kasper's Journey To Life 