Day 474: The Helicopter Mom Character

Looking into the many ways I sabotage myself, harm, mutilate. For some reason, there’s always this person in my head that calls for order all the time, it’s the helicopter mom that whips me into shape, “no you shouldn’t do this” “you should be doing that to get this result”, “no results is useless”. And this character I had decided to rule over me to ‘keep me level headed’. So I made a decision hours before that hey, why don’t I stop and see the difference it would make.

I stopped judging myself, stopped blaming myself and critisize and be suspicious of myself, and nothing changed. I’m still as fucked by experiences in my head the moment I ‘give into’ them, giving into emotions/feelings that means. I’m still…nothing has changed about the priorities I am living. And everything’s clearer now that I stopped this level of backchat. I’m noticing more of everything and I’m getting the feeling that there is a universe within every moment of breath here. Everything comes alive the moment I stop chatting in my mind. It’s easier to let go of a grudge when I hold it against myself in judgment and blame and suspicion of myself. I feel more spacious inside and every breath is more full yet it isn’t – it’s the same volume of air that means.

I think I popped another bubble. I don’t have to suspect myself anymore because my mind is guaranteed to show me who I am in real time. Be here to ‘catch myself’ in a self embrace and letting go and there’s no problem. I just have to be here and then there’s no problem per say.

Another pattern is imagining the future, in this neglecting the here moment. The problem with that is I’m worrying about something that 99.9% of the time will not happen – time proved that. Also I neglect to care for myself here, which leads to stupid mistakes like dropping a cup. Tripping over myself. Imagining a step when there is no step while walking. The list goes on. The most felt point is that feeling I project onto people that somehow they are neglecting me, well how about taking care of myself. When I blame, I know it’s something I’m not giving to myself, and I know it’s shifting responsibility.

So you know, alarm bells were ringing in my mind when I ‘felt neglected’. Interesting question: “Can I exist purely as this moment here in breath, with all?” And I have these formalities like unsettled promises I made with myself to discipline myself into someone worthy of Life. That’s where the helocopter mom comes in. Why? Because I didn’t trust myself to actually do it. But then again self honesty: I’m thinking a storm and not doing anything in particular with this thought storm. Self trust needs to exist at some point in my process. I successfully built that through the tool of self forgiveness in self honesty and absolute detail.

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Day 473: Update

Man I’ve been spooked. I went to the geriatric ward of a hospital and I was spooked. Only imagining being one of them makes me shudder. That’s why I need to get moving, at the same time not move at all, because I don’t know what’s ‘out there’ in the Physical. Therefore I require sticking to the basics of breathing and finding out what’s happening outside, to get an idea of what is happening inside me. You heard of the phrase, “The world is your mirror”, no?

For example, just walking outside I’m spooked by what I am not considering that is in fact outside; for example the shady characters that really exist and the unspoken rules of conduct in a world of gangs. I see that I am the danger in this scenario; poking and prodding people figuratively speaking, and making sure I don’t participate in reactions towards my environment at all times. Because whether I like or not, it’s a decision I’m making every moment I breathe = to react or not. And so far, I have not ‘given into’ emotions and feelings yet.

Another example: the chatty voices of the people in the house, because I went to the geriatric ward with them. At one point I was thinking to myself, “I feel so cramped with all these voices constantly yelling”, but then I also caught the point that I’m responsible for this cramped feeling. That is something I need to take responsibility for and stop. So liking what I disliked, I placed myself in the middle of them, and I breathed. I found out that this feeling can change as I was changing, identifying those beliefs and forgiving and manifesting the forgiveness by relaxing the tension in my muscles. I said to myself, “okay, but these people have rules of conduct that I am not privy to, that they will judge me accordingly through those rules, and I will be poorer for it.”

This is when I couldn’t do 1 + 1 = 2. Owning up to my own accepted and allowed ignorance is an excellent start. Addressing the fears of being poorer, all those manifested consequences that I know I’m giving to myself through inaction for lack of a better word. Understanding that I’m quite safe, nothing’s going to happen walking outside, I’m finding out parts of myself that I’ve suppressed, ignored out of the belief that I don’t know what to do about it. Sexuality is a big part of walking outside. Sorry I’m so blunt.

Overall I’m getting the feedback that I’m not moving myself enough in breath. I need to “actively introspect” while the body tensions come up seemingly out of nowhere, meaning it’s a habit. Thanks for reading.

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Day 473: When All You Hear Is Background Noise

I’m struggling to make sense of physicality. Everything is so perfect, balanced, and nurturing that I’m struggling to put 1 + 1 together. After my charade in emotions/feelings spanning my teenage years, I’m thankfully back to physicality and honouring that. But the same question looms over me as it did when I was young: what to make of it.

Savouring the tasteless as Lao Tzu wrote. In an example, I’m just hearing background noise and struggling to find any sense of direction within it. I guess it’s part of the whole idea that one must sacrifice oneself for the direction one must take to survive in the world. I can see that I’m not valuing myself as I’m supposed to, I’m just waiting for the next big thing that will propel me into the “right direction”. Kind of looking for a distraction to avoid facing myself, looking for that point to be righteous in and forget about myself in a way. I know I’m supposed to face myself instead of blinding myself with direction. Since not having conflict by my side to ‘guide’ me it’s been difficult.

Maybe the answer so to speak is too simple for my liking. Indicating a preference toward complicated answers giving me a complicated but ‘layered’ ‘complex’ experience. I’m an experience addict.

So what to do…. Breathing is important. It indicate my dedication to listen to what reality has to say. Hmmmm…..

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Day 472: The Life Odyssey – Questions Answered in Full

This is a response to a post in the Destonians – Guardians of the Universe facebook group.

What moved you to start your process to birth yourself as Life from the physical?

Anger. And greed. I was angry at myself for the emotional states I placed myself in and my lack of effectiveness, for lack of a better phrase. I like to think that everyone knows we have to face ourselves someday, and I just…was angry enough to want to actually do this for myself. Face myself. What better way to face yourself than through writing the bullshit out with the motivation (I’m using words people can relate to here) of really being honest with yourself about what has been going on inside that ugly mind. Thanks to that anger and the sense of profoundness I met as Desteni, the Desteni material, that asked and seriously answered existential questions, Bernard Poolman and his message, not really him as I never met him, I kept going at it. Thanks to Desteni, I am back to being able to breathe comfortable and with fulfillment as I write this blog.

Greed, if you read Bernard Poolman’s stuff you’ll know what I mean. Just being that breath of fresh air for someone and yourself is fucking cool. He was the one that breathed new life into my decrepit self.

What has kept you going?

Myself, lol what else. That part of me that is curious about that engine room that drives my choices and decisions at critical moments in my life. Manifested consequence is a big motivating factor for me because once you know what you’re creating – hell – you want out and that sense of personal achievement stopping the hell in my mind is glorious. It’s not a feeling, but it’s a feeling that stays with you forever.

What trials, tribulations and yes – victories – have you faced?

I wouldn’t dare call me a person that faced trials and tribulations after reading on how one person eventually became a prostitute. But the mind is crazy effective so overcoming, let’s say transcending your mind gives you that opportunity to be crazy effective yourself. Effective at listening and actually hearing other people’s messages, however deluded, without reaction. Effective at self diagnosing past memories that haunt you. Being a voice of common sense.

I don’t consider any point of my process a victory because it’s a process. The nature of self honesty is such that at every stage, you have that opportunity to be equally effective. Move through trauma and old habits like a boss as people say these days. Victory makes me complacent. That’s why I paused for a few years before writing again. So I rather take relish and find fulfilment in every moment of breath, of the actual self application process. But that’s still not a victory in my book.

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Day 471: Coveting Money

On coveting money. And all its permutations as images of success, being a successful musician, all the ways you do to get money. I’m writing about this because its been hitting me hard how something like playing the cello can be charged money. I’ll explain: the physical laws that you must abide by to play the cello well have always been here and are timeless. The effort you place as your decision to face your instrument is priceless. Therefore the sound you produce from something like a cello, is priceless in that money cannot force a person to produce good sound out of the cello: physical reality is the master, and money is the slave. And to squander all of this effort to play the cello nicely for only money seems backward to me all of a sudden. What happened to enjoyment with the instrument? The people that were forced to give you a working instrument under the money ‘principle’ call it. And this cello has been given much intense study and the practicalities of how to make an instrument is not respected, because what is respected the most? Money. Not the priceless effort all hands went into the instrument and playing it. I mean no wonder the classical world of music has fallen into ruin, everyone’s chasing money and not enjoying the process. And then there’s always the shady teachers and luthiers that try to sell snake oil. The lazy teachers and luthiers that don’t bother to investigate their craft. And the lazy students.

And I would dare to covet money spiting all labour, mine included, that went into the cello. Goes to show how easy it is to be ignorant and believe one to be skilled. And the desire for money – not money itself – is poisonous in that I actually hear my greed in the sound I make. It’s a distinct sound, one that I have no apetite of harbouring. It’s a pain how money pervades all of existence and it’s not being accounted for the harm it produces as greedy motherfuckers. Where is the common sense seeing that for example, the money factor is stifling music education for children because all just want the grade and not that which will stay with their children for a lifetime. But maybe I’m asking too much from the mothers.

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Day 470: Purpose

Slowing down. I slow down to see that I have not slowed down, and am not comfortable with being existing in one moment with all the sounds and whatnot physical phenomena around me. And the excuse is that I must have a purpose, in spite of the evidence of how fucked I am for blindly stating my purpose in this life instead of discovering purpose in the physical things. Meaning, reason, purpose defined in and as the Mind, based off insecurities and inferiorities not inherited from this Earth, do you see the insanity of it all?

As a human being, I have beared witness to how easy it is to name the rules of the game in your mind and believe them to be true and real, there is an expert salesperson in everyone’s head deciding for them the next obsession, the next big thing. And as a sidenote, those that irritate and play with this irrational force is tempting disaster and disease. Life is not a game to be played, it is to be lived with dedication and commitment to not only yourself, but your neighbour. A game implies no consequence, when life from the beginning has what, consequence. I think all agree when I say that life on Earth has consequence.

Anyways it’s intriguing to me that I would value this purpose meaning and reason over blatant physical evidence of existence such as background noise and whatnot. It’s mighty dangerous to even toy with yourself as this meaning reason and purpose, like putting on different suits to suit yourself. Because whatever you are doing, is implying a meaning reason and purpose. You also have the purpose that you advertise to be ‘your purpose’, then you have the obvious purpose in what you do. So do you see how you cannot serve two gods, you either choose the purpose that feels good enough to hold onto for dear life your whole life, or choose to determine your purpose in the small things you do every day.

Anyways I need to start asserting the purpose of embracing reality as all the physical phenomena within it, to determine for myself what to do to change the world.

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Day 470: Notes on Desteni Article: “God of Man: The Physical”

Read the above article from the beginning for context and education:

If I react = I am trying to “cover up” a part of myself that if I saw clearly, I would be forced to ‘change’

Thoughts as makeup for the biased attitude of my mind, in essence thoughts are excuses and justifications. Personalizing the lie that I am not equal to and with others, because of all kinds of excuses

Superior/inferior creates the experience of right/wrong; others become authorities when I feel inferior inside, and they become right and I become wrong when I keep this feeling going

Inferiority creates authority

good/bad, right/wrong, something/nothing, intelligent/stupid, all just ways to justify the inferiority experienced within, projected outward as authority without, and the attention being exclusively placed without.

We do a very good job hiding our actual experiences within ourselves from ourselves, validating our dated self definitions through experience and worshipping experience

Defense-mode protects experience(s) inside me, and indicates an obsession with win/lose, right/wrong etc.

Pushing for ‘MY view further’ indicates an attempt to hide the knowing/feeling in me, that I may be mistaken on a particular point but don’t want to admit it

Regret exists when I have not given what I would like to receive and I know it

I project blame when I don’t want to face what is existing in me

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Day 469: Who Am I Without Conflict?

Moving from conflict based walking to self directive walking of process. I didn’t write yesterday because I was struggling to put the topic in words. Conflict and I have been the best of buddies, since I can remember. In the past I would sweep conflict under the proverbial rug and call it a day, but since meeting Desteni I have taught myself to face conflict. And what a gift that has been: learning from conflicts, inner and outer, about myself and my accepted and allowed nature. Learning human nature from the horse’s mouth, that is my mouth. Learning about the danger of my nature and in that, how to change.

So I am all question marks when there is no impending conflict in my life. At a loss of what to write, what to direct, what to change. But I’m still here, I’m still at large inflicting myself on the world so I better know what it is I am supposed to change. What it is I am supposed to stop.

Being a custodian is an accurate way of putting it. I need to participate in a way that does not conflict with the laws of nature, and direct forces to what is best for all. Kind of like a sponge that absorb the forces coming at it and digests the forces in a way that does not commit harm to its environment. That’s a rough way of putting it. I keep walking process.

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Day 468: Update, Ambitions are Blind

I’m starting to get the hint. My ambitions are stagnating my actual growth as a human being and not as a machine.

It’s becoming clear that my ambitions were based off fears that has nothing to do with the actual doing necessary to grow or rather, stop my ego. Even my ambitions were ego-based, based off insecurities. And it seems the more I try to make my ambitions real, the more blinded I am by the actual process to be walked to reap what I sow. An example would be drawing a decent sound out of the cello. You see the cello and bow is a physical object, that is responsive to all the information contained in one touch. How much can you express with a single touch? A dog would demonstrate this beautifully. Hence the more ambitious I am with trying to draw a decent sound, the worse it sounds; I’m pulling myself away from the dance of muscles and tendons and ligaments required to draw a decent sound. So if you’re curious, I’m set on not forcing anything happening with my relationship to cello. It’s fascinating how the more you try, the further away you are from reality.

The more I decide to face my instrument in intimacy and vulnerability, the more it opens up as I open up to my instrument. The difference measured in tone is quite huge, facing openly your instrument opposed to brute force-ing the cello to be open sounding for example.

Then there is the brief stint with sadness as I faced that memory I wrote about in the previous day, probably an unresolved inner conflict. The solution I found was to let the emotions go, and answer that unanswered question within myself: What will it take from me personally to change the world, spelling it out for me. And it’s nothing of what I expected. I’m still angry about how this ego in everybody is playing master and controlling the things that matter in matter. Something so biased and puny, dictating how we are allowed to give to each other as neighbours. Anyways, I’m more raring to go do stuff after this jack-in-the-box memory.

That’s all for now

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Day 467: On Process

Today I was painfully reminded of a memory of myself as a child, and being told there were children like me starving in the world. It got me depressed. I got even more depressed as I sifted through the decisions I made in my life that postponed the inevitable consequence. The world’s problem seemed really big in that moment. But then when I also looked at the process I have walked and what is necessary to be walked by everyone, I got really angry. How can something as primitive as our mind control matter in this monstrous way? Why have we shirked responsibility to our most deepest fears to mislead and destroy us? Is another day with a single child starving really necessary?

But I cannot underplay the mental torture that people are going through. The obsession for perfection, the best, being the first, you name it. And it would be criminal to undo their suffering for them. Because what is most valuable in the universe is not money, it’s the will to live call it that. It’s that will to break their own vicious cycles. That’s why I don’t to this day see myself as special. It’s because the most important point to grasp in process is yourself, that will to do no harm. Without that, everything that can be given is rendered meaningless. You can give everything that can be given to me, and I can still fuck it all up because I have no will. That can be the only realization I have and it’s enough to walk process effectively. I don’t understand the prissy footing that’s mucking around in the 7 Year Journey to Life; it’s your journey! Be self honest! No one here is going to judge you for having a realization that frees you to actually be a better person. I don’t think anybody cares if I make a mistake or two.

Anyways, for those not effectively reading the material, let me share why I think process is important. Your thoughts actually have an effect on your body’s condition; it’s the whole angry and you’re hot phenomenon magnified infinitely. Your thoughts affect the way you walk, talk, act. Your thoughts are the smaller that creates and defines your critical decision making that will have consequences for you way in the future. In very visceral terms, your thoughts define your life and how you will live it. What’s so irrational and daring to do some spring cleaning in your mind and stop the nasty thoughts? Your thoughts define you.

And be careful when saying it’s too big a task. You’re already making decisions as you are reading this blog. Those decisions are the results of thought. You decided to participate in those thoughts. What’s the big deal about deciding to stop?

I see process as an investment in my future, living the statement that I should not have a future unless I am willing to give to myself for my future. And to those clever beings that say I think too far ahead, your days are numbered. Just like mine were. But obviously you have a choice to live as if it’s not, but time waits for no one. I’m dying, slowly. What did you think my decision was at three? I decided to live as if there was no consequence. But reality will get you straight on that point.

Process is the most gentle way to regain some integrity and self trust. I mean if you aren’t willing to go to the detail necessary, self forgiveness will not work. It’s because you don’t work. And no one else is to blame. Isn’t it a necessary test of self will to work out your inner conflicts by yourself?

Process makes life fun again. It’s true. That day when you’re breathing and you feel like there’s not enough space, that’s when you will consider joining us at the 7 Year Journey to Life. I mean, you are the obvious obstacle to your happiness if there are inner conflicts ensuing in you.

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