Day 420: Straightforward?

Straightforward. I tend to interpret this word to mean brazenly straightforward, meaning going forward stopping at nothing and no one just speaking words and portraying concepts and ideas directly. Fortunately for me, the physical allows such brazen and callous attitude. But is it best for all?

Immediately I think to myself not at all, why? Because I am destined to rock the boat this way. But when the boat is headed to disaster, maybe that’s not such a bad thing to rock the boat. But certainly, if I rattle someone’s mind, I should rightly take responsibility and see it through to the bitter end, and make sure the outcome is locked to what is best for all, for each other to become honest about themselves. Leave no room for imagination, break the box of thinking.

I don’t think there is a single way that can joyfully portray the truth to someone, especially given that our minds are specifically designed not to see the truth, but opinion and emotions instead. That’s it.

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Day 419: Investigating Some Statements

(The rest is private information that will compromise my relationship with everyone around me so is kept private.  The two statements investigated are:

  1. Relationships can be very simple
  2. When someone accepts your apology, you should let it go.)

This was my friend’s advice. In the spirit of investigate all things and keep what is best, best for all, I will investigate these two statements. The first statement is that people to people relationships can be very simple. Can be. I see that in deeds, and words, able to be done and spoken = it is very simple. You stand in your position and you take responsibility for that position. What does that mean? Means dare not take the lead and step out from the label you are labelling yourself as when you decide to work at a company. Part time sales. It means do not meddle in other people’s affairs and sort yourself out first, your own mind stuff first = Self first. And as a physical shit bag talking to another shit bag (I joke!) there is really nothing you can do about other people’s words and deeds. They are like dictated to you. But who you are when those words ‘arrive’ and deeds done, you dictate to yourself.

So what is best for all in this statement of simplicity: relationships can be very simple? They are, if only considering what one can physically and practically do for another as a physical human being. What complicates things. The mind. My mind. My ego. And because both are co-existing the physical and mental, and the mental seeps into the physical, I care to disagree that relationships are that simple. I require a certain level of finesse in considering other people’s bad thoughts, making a decision, and either challenging them because I would challenge myself to look at the common sense what is best for all or because I have already challenged myself and understand the common sense and what is best for all, or not challenging them and regrouping myself and my inner resources, meaning being here ready and poised for the revenge of the ego when my ego is challenged I stand as Life.

I require FACING my ego first, and I will assume that everything EVERYTHING I observe of others I am there, means I am what I observe of others. Obvious common sense. I require giving to others what I would like to receive. And I require a patience with the strange characters coming out of the woodwork while I face and share my ego self investigation. So with considerations like the four I listed, relationships aren’t that simple.

So summary is that relationships aren’t simple because of the sins of the fathers. But they are physically simple. PHYSICALLY.

Next statement to investigate is the advice that when someone replies to your apology, you should let it go. I agree in that one should always give benefit of the doubt to the other and see them for the potential that they can become. If there is any evidence physically that is saying otherwise, remember: you have a responsibility to your own mind, and thus they have their responsibility to take, that you cannot do for them. So let what go? Let my expectations for the relationship go, and let others walk by themselves as they must, because I see and realize that I must walk my ego process also alone. I can only prove me to myself, and no one else can do it for me. So the same is for others. What should I not let go of then?

The tenacity and zealous nature to investigate all things and keep what is best. The tenacity to challenge other’s egos when I see they are doing bullshit that I’ve done before. Why the second point: because you also had a responsiblity to the other for letting them grow up the way they did, in your silence or often, deliberate manipulation of people like them. I should not let go of the understanding that to really stand up from my ego, I of necessity need to stand up to other’s egos. Otherwise all will be for naught and I am not really standing up as Life.

So summary: letting go does not mean letting everything go, it means letting go of my ego as expectations and my experience of the relationship. And not letting go of my own principles, what is best for all, do not let go of what is best for all.

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Day 419: Loving Conflict

Investigate a personality of me worrying and screening all the moments of yesterday for lessons to be learned.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to stand as a personality that cannot let go of past moments and makes an effort to remember them to try and find lessons to be learned from them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to lean as rely on outside influences as provocative events and people, to walk my process, instead of realizing that process is about being honest with myself to the utmost in every here moment, honest to myself about my experience of myself in this moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to label myself as zealous when it comes to investigating all things and keeping what is best when walking process.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself into process related material, and ‘non-process related material’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to devalue the non-process moments out of the excuse that I can apparently learn nothing from them, so I discard them.

Non-process moments meaning moments where I am here and conflict is not, conflict for self introspection.

I Forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to subscribe to an up and down experience of ‘walking process’ when conflict is here, and ‘not walking process’ when things are more quiet in terms of level of conflict.

So walking process is ALL of EVERYTHING you experience, especially what you are doing NOW.

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Day 418: Redefining Prosperity

Prosperity. If you had asked me what prosperity was a few days ago, my heart’s voice would say having an attractive girlfriend. Being virtuous. Being like a sage. Money.

I’m here to redefine the word prosperity for myself. Because the patterns that led me to mistakes was basically my self dishonesty of what I was creating for me, as my entire existence. A reminder cropped up when I heard a client’s voice in a similar tone to what was once my mother’s tone of voice, “do this or else” voice. A reminder that in the same way, I had been treating myself this way: always as an authoritative voice that command a very specific direction and participation of me. And my ego as this voice knowing me better than I do, I as it did everything necessary to keep me not rocking the boat. And even find my version of prosperity. What is not considered in all this, is the assumptions or beliefs that drive this ego. And the shame attached to these core beliefs.

So given I had all the resources physically to make anything out of myself, I chose to create an ego. I still have an ego. But the difference is I am making steps toward self honesty as I go. This past ego was a solitary desolate character, conflicted deeply about the state of the world and why I was being fed with a silver spoon while billions suffer. And this emotional turmoil I inflicted on myself only caused me to search for solace, and then I created my versions of prosperity or happiness. In the same way that people pine for the latest fashion, I pined for the latest idea that would make me more virtuous. But anything and everything I learned didn’t mean a thing because I was not self honest. I lived the statement, good intentions pave the road to hell.

Money, sex, relationships: the three things that practically define the goals of all human beings in existence. It defined me.

So where is my redefinition of prosperity? Prosperity is when I am doing everything I possibly can, as the limited version of myself, in self acceptance of my own creation, to create a world that is best for all. And this I suggest to read the tested living model for creating a world that is acceptable to ALL.

To life within money, life within sex, and life within relationships.

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Day 417: Judgmental You Creates a Judgmental World

Today’s word is judgment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live the word judgment in a self interested manner.

I Forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to immediately label events, deeds, words, thoughts as either good (that which fulfills me the most) and bad (that which obstruct me from getting what I want).

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge people as either good for me or bad for me, and in this react and participate in a feeling of attraction or resentment/repulsion.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge ‘not having been worked to the bone over prolonged period of time’ as bad, out of the excuse that I “thus” lack the experience that is worshipped in this capitalism.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to apply what is best for all in my own shoes, in the shoes that have not worked hard before (in short), and realize that it is not the time spent repeating a tiring work ethic that is of value; it is always getting back to reality and not my own assumptions that is of value that maybe, a monstrous work ethic would enlighten someone.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge X as not pulling the proverbial rope as hard as I do, as ‘bad’ and something to feel disdain for.

I Forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make a value judgment based on my personal experience, instead of based on what is best for all, investigating all things and keeping that which is best.

I Forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed the belief that the only possible reason why people are lazy or disdainful of their work is wanting to have before giving, fearing not having, out of the justification that this is the key point in my own process of why I was lazy when I could have made something of myself.

I Forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that just as it felt ‘so real’ to me at that time, so it is the reality accepted and allowed by others in their time, and as Lao Tzu instructed, take other people’s minds as your own, and have no mind of your own.

In this way, I learn not to hate or disdain, and instead live a form of compassion for those around me.

There is judgment based on experience, personal experience only because the nature of the mind is you cannot possibly know or understand other’s experience as a form of wisdom. Judgment ceases to exist and be lived when considering what is best for all because you are it, you accepted it, you allowed it, and thus consequences must be walked before things can revert back to their original state. So in the word judgment, I hear jut-g-men-t, like jutting out your neck for men, and living the decision to walk with them.

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Day 416: A Subtle Point on Self Acceptance

I ask myself today what there is to write, and out comes the answer, “everything, and nothing”. Because everything is in my mind, quite firmly rooted in what I see with my physical eyes. And nothing because these thoughts of self doubt and anger and fear and beauty, are just ego. I wrote for awhile before this post only to conclude that I am just accepting the bullshit of my conscious mind thinking, that train of thought that chu chus on and on and on in sentences.

I ask myself what are the patterns that led me to regret, and out comes the answer: being desirable, not being content and hence being covetous. I have a duty to write today but today is an ‘everything, and nothing’ day. Paying any attention to abuse in any form only feeds it, you create an audience for it, and abuse tend to grow because of you paying attention to it. The funny thing is, I woke up with the purpose of finding a topic to blog about today, and in my enthusiasm, I found everything yet nothing. Beauty and the mental chase for beauty has been a long time coming, meaning I have participated in this mental chase for a long time, and I think there’s no consequence? Yes there is. It’s that you cannot immediately turn back and stop. Try stopping caring about your appearance for one day. You just can’t. That shows you who is the real master of your life, and it’s not you, it’s your ego.

I find that there is a delicate space where lessons are learned or can be learned if one relax so to speak and stop pining for the next lesson to be learned from physical reality. If one would turn back and fall back into old ruts, that in itself is a form of self acceptance of your own creation, and that opens up the lesson doors. Getting excited, waiting for the next reaction that will really teach me a lesson, is like me not accepting myself, and like elbowing this reality and doing it for greed sort of thing. Like a wild deer, life lessons simply do not appear when you sharpen the point to critisize yourself, open the doors to see, unblock the openings to feel.

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Day 415: Let’s Stop Talking Breath Walking

How to walk with an eye on self introspection. I went for a morning walk and noticed the obvious: who I am, what I am, is reflected in the way I am walking. So this particular morning I was walking with an uncertain falling motion, as we all know walking is a form of controlled falling. You fall from one foot to the other foot.

So I looked at what is causing this uncontrolled, uncertain fall in my step instead of a certain, confident fall and I noticed I am still doubting my own resolve. Plus I am still being a lesser version of myself by still caring about how others look at me, so this is a pattern that is deeply ingrained, but not impossible to disconnect from. Caring is too much a positive word to describe it, it’s more fearing how others may look at me, at what I am and who I am in the physical gait I express. It’s either me expressing each step in walking or it is my ego dictating to me my step. So I either breathe and walk, breath walking, or I think and walk, think walking.

So what to get from this is to become aware of your fall, direct that energy and ground it into breathing.

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Day 415: Memorial for Bernard Poolman, and Gifts that he Left Behind

My idol.

Memorial to the one I miss most, and integrating the gifts he has left behind for me in the words I attach to him that I must live for myself. Bernard Poolman.

Depth, care, consideration come up when I ask myself what I miss about Bernard. The deep questions he would ask us to challenge us. The walk of perspectives on self honesty he would share with us. Commitment also comes up. His simple absolute commitment to life reflected in how committed he was to uplift and superlift and support another life (my life) where he can, through blogs, recordings, Skype. How he cared for my life even more effectively than I cared for my life when all I cared about was my ego. Consideration. How in his words, he considered what I was already standing for, and what I’ve yet to stand as through his replies to my questions and chatting with him.

Bringing the point back to myself, I have a responsibility to myself to create the depth that he stood as in my life, in the brief time he was alive and I knew him. I must now become the point that asks myself questions to dig deep into the absolute honesty to myself about what the fuck is going on in my mind. I create myself as the source of perspectives of self honesty that I will share with you, as Bernard has shared with us not because he did it, but because how grateful I am to him for opening my eyes to self honesty and what responsibility really implies. Seeing Bernard as example, and how prolific he was in the latter part of his life in creating Desteni, I need to follow his example as a matter of this is what is best for all, to live absolute as one simply absolute commitment to uplifting and supporting not only my life, but other people where I can. I’ve a process to walk to do what Bernard did, because I just only started to begin to consider what people are standing for/as, and what they are not. I wish to be like Bernard in that the words that he spoke to me, considered me as an entire being. Even the secrets that I have yet to utter even to myself. He considered that as well.

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Day 414: Confessions of an Alpha Male

Beauty and the climax. I’m noticing that what occupies my mind most of the time is how I look in front of others, and how others look in front of me = beauty. How can it be that the best amongst us, the most intelligent, also equally follow the obsession of having the perfect attractive image internally and externally, mentally and physically? Bringing the point back to Self, how can the best of myself, the most attention, the most thought, the most effort of me shine the shoe of beauty like a lapdog? That means, how can I invest most, if not all, of me into being beautiful? Beautiful morality, beautiful face, beautiful make up, beautiful colours, beautiful dressing up, beautiful clothing, beautiful body, beautiful me.

What does this have to do with the word climax? It’s the peak, the top, being number one to myself, then my world in that order. All this effort placed into clothing, makeup, plastic surgery, exercising for a particular body shape, is to in essence, create a narrative that you are a good person, you are in good standing in the world, and you are the best other half to be with and wait for it! Have sex with. Sex being the ultimate climax as advertised in our capitalistic system, we are so busy with imagining how we will be in sex, how others might be in sex, and all of this is rooted in our physical appearance. And there is a consequence. A physical consequence.

Confessions of an ex-alpha male. You see I was the ‘it’ guy back in high school, I was the one that all the guys despised because they were desperate to be as attractive as me. Having been impulsed to truly believe I was at the top of the mental ‘food-chain’, I have a testimonial to share. This yearning for a romantic relationship is not innate and is not natural. It comes from a fear that is activated in between being a toddler and becoming a teen, that fear can be described as the fear of missing out on something that is portrayed to be so amazing and impactful, influential on a person’s life, that you become curious. What can this romantic relationship possibly be, and then sex education comes in and in your ignorance, in my ignorance, you ‘see’ the difference between all the relationships you have now and romantic ones is sex. Then comes your first time masturbating and everything seems to fit. This is stupendous! I want to feel this ‘good’ all of the time every time I wake up. THEN you yearn for a relationship. And you close yourself into a box.

This purgatory, this asylum, is your thoughts. You wonder. Then you obsess and become fat from separating yourself from the work that creates the sweat of your brow, from working from the sweat of your brow, to lying still (in your bed) lying to yourself about how different something like holding hands can be if you hold hands with someone you ‘love’. Every physical interaction you can possibly think of with some person, you think that it’s better with someone you love.

And in the unlikely event that the people around you agree through your opinion on their words and deeds that you are universally attractive, your desperations melts into glee. Contentment. But in being the most beautiful, the most attractive, you become also the object that everyone else of the same sex compares themselves to. And like a child seeing another child having a better toy, and you compare your inferior toy to that other child’s toy, you become jealous and spiteful and all the hellish things that has existed to describe mankind. You become part of the reason why people are selfish and unkind in their jealousy and spitefulness.

And have you ever looked, really looked, at what happens inside you when you see an attractive female? You’re scared of being called ugly by them. You’re scared that you will miss out on the delicatessen that is this attractive female. You wonder to yourself, what would it feel like to have sex with her, how will it upgrade your experience of yourself if you were in a relationship with the attractive female. Within that is your fear of losing that reward, that good that is hard to come by.

HENCE the same applies to females that see an attractive male. Behind all the dreaming and imagining is just fear. People fear missing out. You become part of the reason why people fear, thus you become the reason why people do all the things they do out of fear, because you support one specific frequential band of fear. It’s like investing, isn’t it? You invest one cent into a company, you support all of what that company stands for.

You support one topic that people fear about, you support the entirety of the nature of fear. You create and uplift and support others to fear, they participate in fear itself.

So when you are the most attractive around, you strike fear and love into the hearts of men and women alike. And ALL the things people do out of fear, becomes your responsibility. What is rape but the utmost fear of missing out on having sex?

So Lao Tzu said it succintly. Beautiful words/people are not truthful, truthful words/people are not beautiful. What are people but the words they live, in thought, word, and deed.

If you are in conflict after reading my life review, there is help and it’s called self forgiveness, self honesty, and common sense. Those are free in the ecosystem that Desteni is trying, hard, to create. If you can hear me, read on.

If there is something to take away from this history, it’s to investigate why you take so many actions, cross so many bridges, to have the perfect self image. Be self honest, write to yourself about it and forgive yourself for the misunderstandings. Thanks for reading.

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Day 413: The Recluse

It’s back. The resistance and the periodic sleepiness. Breathing through it is no use – it’s here to stay. For a moment I realized that if I were to do what is best for all, I would eventually have to give up all ‘my needs’. And this theme recurred in the form of walking past people that I thought were selfish, inconsiderate, only making things convenient for themselves.

So what I observe of others, I am doing to myself on a deep level. I have been living the point of “everything should be made convenient for me only” through points like not giving people more than enough space to walk past, overtaking others, and in conversation wanting to share my point, my process, no considering your process, your point. And it’s something I need to give up. A universe of new relationships is waiting for me. If I am going to expand and change and grow, the next step is to take on this point of me,me,me, and start to include others in my process. What does that mean: start considering that the resistances I get from meeting and interacting with people are my points too, and what a fabulous mirror to look deeper in the darkness of my seeming good-heartedness. If you have not already heard the interview Master of War – Life Review, being good and becoming bad is just one step away.

Now what is the point I Must grasp so that this decision is not a choice in the style of free choice, “I am great because I am letting you breathe”, into “holy shit I could have been you in another life please breathe”.

Starting to understand that to give until everyone has, I Must stop this ingrained mentality that I must be able to breathe before giving others space to breathe. Does that mean just giving people space to walk past, not overtaking others, and only considering other’s process and point? I think it’s more profound than that. It almost feels like pushing yourself aside time and time again to hear what the other has to say. But it’s your ego you’re pushing aside.

Revenge of the individual against the group

The recluse. The parent-ingrained idea that the world is a nasty place, and you are safe in the loving embrace of their money, which buys the home and all of the material possessions. The idea that if you do nothing and say nothing, there will be nothing wrong with you and no one will have reason to critisize you. When actually most harm come from men doing nothing. Acknowledge your equality to the situation at hand. You created this in your ignorance and spitefulness of the revenge of the individual against the group. Revenge for how those before you dared to control your every action and quantify it with money, either paying money or getting it, how they suffocated you, smothered your vocabulary with emotions and feelings. The first emotion always being fear, that jolt you awake – or is it lull you to sleep as you willingly put the blinkers on your eyes in the event some god has a plan for you. A special plan of evolution, becoming your better self, when there is nothing wrong with you physically. Physically. Physically. Mentally, are still these characters spinning narratives of thought and that is when you must breathe and disconnect, forgive, and start again.

I have come to a realization. I am on a whole other level of evil if I continue being the recluse because I am not taking responsibility for the lack of action I am committing myself to, and the decision to twiddle my thumbs in emotion rather than being here to see all the glory of human civilization, or is it the gory of human society. I accepted this gore the moment I thought I was a good person and imagination comes in basically placing a halo around your head, all the good deeds you intend to do done in imagination. I allowed this gore the moment I decided – yes I did decide – to value imagination over reality, because apparently viewing reality is crude. It’s like being a crab that elbow reality in the face to hold imagination in your hands when we all know what imagination amounts to. You cannot and will never hold imagination – it holds you, captivates you, spellbounds you into ideals that your character dictate to be true in the ignorance that reality has already set in stone, what is really good in this physical world. Deliberate, ignorance while you are the weakest link in the chain of your thought as jealousy, anger, fear of losing your version of specialness.

I have come to a realization. I must shut the door of imagination and OPEN my eyes to the reality that is the tonality and manner of the words and deeds of my neighbours. I must not act on the self righteous character that merely think this is the right way. I must respond with my ability to honour the human in front of me, and throw off, their ego. Response-ability. Responsibility. Breath by breath I walk.

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