Day 396: When Gossip Gets the Better of You

Should I be concerned? The past few days have been focused on relationship paranoia. Focused on others and others reactions towards me. Specifically, how X would react to my approach/question, the matter of making good friends, and my standing within gossip.

My standing within gossip meaning I posed hard questions to X and X and the lot. In the personal I derive a sense of satisfaction standing up for what I believe in, believing that this is a valid choice. Believing that in considering all the people in that group, it was a valid choice to pose hard questions to them. In the interpersonal there is bound to be a consequence; people are digging for shit about me. X seems rather cool about it, X actually called me to ask me to explain my words on Facebook and any internal affairs in my heart. In the universal, nothing changes except my interpersonal relationships worsen, my credibility is challenged, and people seem to keep a distance away from me now, both physically and verbally. Not that there was never a distance, the distance being only speaking about acceptable things, it’s just that the distance gap widened both physically and verbally.

The Problem is that I am destablizing relationships that need not be destablized, as it is not even done in fact for the ‘greater good’. The solution to do stuff for the ‘greater good’ would be to change myself and remain silent until I get the point, and constantly refrain from being that point of challenging other’s realities/worlds.

The Solution is to, like in the money system, make a standing for myself in society/people’s minds, and gently prod myself in the right direction. It’s no use disagreeing with money and refusing to use it when it is the currency of the day; it’s no use disagreeing with gossip and refusing to hear it when it is the collective creation of many people together, individually and collectively agreeing that intimacy is in speaking of the worst in people and chuckling about it.

The Reward is I become more practical and live the words, use what is here to make the world best for all. It’s my problem when I cannot stand to hear any more gossip about my friends.

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Day 395: Decrypting My Social Anxiety

Once you have something, and that something is significant to you, you’ll be afraid to lose it.

Now I’m moving up in the social ladder of society, that means my starting point for wearing clothing had changed from pure comfort to ‘dressing up to meet people’. So in that alone, I’m holding assumptions about the ‘range’ in which people judge one another based on how they dress: shirt, pants, and shoes.

Someone once shared, with a whole network of friends and school responsibilities (this is a student), you would want to ‘get away’ and recharge in a foreign environment. Called dispersing anxieties, unhappiness, letting go of concerns for but a moment, I happen not to agree with this philosophy; that I must blame my environment – physical and social – for what I am feeling, and search for the perfect picture reality for the orgasmic experience of happiness. To me, this is like defining romantic relationships according to fucking, and believing that I ‘own’ her now that I got to fuck her, and seeing the act of sex as moving up in the social hierarchy, “I convinced another through words and touch to do something that is deemed intimate and private, in a way forbidden: you can’t just tell the world when and how you fucked your partner. In essence, defining an action or being in a picture to mean something symbolically – only in your mind – living out an opinion. I’ve been there, done that, and there is a lot of heartache to be had when reality comes crashing in always unexpectedly.

Back to the task at hand. Part of the reason for having anxiety now is not taking depression meds, more importantly having and believing in my past of social anxiety: by the end of grade school, with being stuck in my vocabulary of what is possible, I got distracted and lost touch with what I can do to nurture relationships in general. I did not know how to manage a social life. With observing the prejudices of myself and others around me, and how unpredictable that is because you do whatever you like, it’s your life, a specific question came to mind: How can I cater to each person’s prejudices so a relationship is possible? I couldn’t articulate it then, but technically, a relationship is always possible with every person, due to every person having their personalized network of friends; that friend could have been you in another life.

Plus, being a product of my environment making space for specific experiences, and these experiences forming the foundation of my reasoning, my current main personality – the way I present myself now – is programmed, and like a computer, it is possible to switch programs meaning: if I was in another life, in another environment, my friend’s environment, I could have become my friend. The possibility of becoming who I am now is dead.

Establishing these facts to the death of opinion, the primary reason for my social anxiety was believing wholeheartedly that I apparently don’t know how to relate to others, therefore (jumping to the conclusion) everyone hates me because I am not a good fuck – I don’t offer any social or emotional benefit – to anyone, because everyone knows. They have friends and speak like friends to them, therefore everyone knows how to establish relationships. Like a math geek looking at my working, therefore everyone can see that I don’t know the mathematics of relationships. I am doomed to the life of a hermit in spite of wanting to interact, and in a statement of blame, I was born alone with no guidance on relationship building 101.

Steeped in the emotional reality of my mind – specifically being sidetracked by the feeling that is love – I looked at myself with rose-coloured sunglasses. I have friends, therefore I should know what I can do to nurture and grow relationships. But asking myself how, I “didn’t know how”. Quotations because I was deceiving myself, in this topic/group of words roughly called relationship, I separated myself from physical reality meaning I was ignoring facts: that I am one physical body, plus another, and we relate through thoughts, words, and deeds. Thoughts are included because thoughts attracted a specific presentation of myself to the world.

I hope this explains roughly why I was socially anxious. My previous network of friends in Canada I was separated from, requiring me to create a new network in Hong Kong, but with this shit, it was as if being forced to go to work without pants on.

Anyway, the event I’m looking at is the personally programmed sense of longing when in the vicinity of two or more people being good friends with each other. Being good friends meaning talking about things I disagree with, yet is being agreed on and enthusiastically received by another person. In this longing, is the “insecurity” generated by the statements previously touched on in this blog, the father of my social anxiety. So like reminiscing on memories, getting off the meds unlocked, unblocked, me accessing these memories, and with writing about it, I understand the fuzzy logic that I used to program myself to be unstable in spite of being in a very stable physical reality, with very clear physical needs. So I can, from the bottom of my heart, let go of such memories and stop the addictive habit and the perceived high I receive when indulging in such a pattern of thinking. Generally realizing that this is not best for me, nor is it such a great feeling when I have to deal with so many consequences in reality for this bastard girlfriend of a habit.

So one layer of social anxiety has been untied and let go of.

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Day 394: The Gossiping Mind

The Gossiping Mind

Okay, some free writing about gossip. These days I’m faced with a positive polarity of gossip which can be roughyl translated into worship, worshipping the culture of love. What I’m really looking at is how I have accepted and allowed myself to define love, as the word, as the definition, that translates into thoughts, words, and deeds.

But firstly, let me describe the symptoms. Imagining ‘perfect’ moments with the ‘perfect’ someone. Physical intimacy, which is not equal to sex, but how various forms of touch trigger reactions in the emotional mind; a simple leaning on me triggering a sense of relief, roughly speaking.

So in my mind, these imaginations and feelings are a form of gossip, ultimately about myself because that I like this person says things about me, my desires, my dreams I refuse to admit to myself, my fears. Generally, prioritizing touch over the real tasks I do to maintain myself through feeling means weakness. Weakness meaning I do X for myself, yet there are still points existing in me that I believe can be solved through a most primitive act of touch. For example, a personalized affirmation is interpreted as X person leaning on me. Affirming what? Affirming everything I do and don’t do, both the strengths and especially the weaknesses/limitations I place on myself. For example, a limitation can be a belief that I am never real or have any authority/face until a ‘special someone’ affirms what I am.

Problem, solution, reward.

Problem

The problem with this, call it positive gossiping, is it becomes an existential form of masturbating, symbolically. What I mean is, I affirm self-limiting beliefs about myself through external/real stimulus/touch, and that whole job is a mind job; it doesn’t have to be this way. The beliefs about myself being the ‘root’ that roots a feeling and makes it seem real – like the beliefs about what I can gain from looking at naked women – and the external stimulus – touch or using the previous example, X leaning on me – being the hand on the sexual organ. That this is wordplay cannot be realized unless some writing is done. Wordplay meaning what makes up and designs and generates love feeling, are strings of words using logic, that are assumptions about the reality, with the conditions that one, I must be entranced by the feeling and not on the words/sentences – which transmutes logic into fuzzy logic – and two, that I must believe that this is all that I can do, follow essentially a program that I programmed into myself through time and through strings of words (sentences/beliefs) and output a feeling that I believe I must have to achieve happiness. It’s like being a vampire isn’t it; I must do everything it takes to get this feeling/blood because that is the source of my life, this energy/feeling/emotion/love. It’s like looking at a fire and ignoring the source of the fire – wood, let’s say – screaming “beautiful” and “I must have this light to be happy” which in essence, is being provided by the wood/words that constitute a program.
Solution

The solution is to stop participating when such imagination comes up, which I must say from experience, are like images of naked women you generate in the mind. Obviously they/the naked pictures/the lovey imagination was not originally there or instilled into you by the heavens – you accepted and allowed inputs from your environment until it became second nature to ‘just do it’ and generate naked pictures at will, or in this case of love, generate ‘perfect’ moments with the ‘perfect’ someone. The next step would obviously introspect as to the fears and beliefs that drive one to be convicted and convinced that following this imagination is the ‘only way to happiness/relief’, as in a way, my imagination is a reflection. Reflection of anxiety basically, in this case of lovey imagination, as I see I would be anxious and envious if stripped of this imagination, ‘my right/choice to have these wonderful fantasies in the sacred space of my mind’.
Reward

The reward of not leaving lovey imagination run amok is the following. No more obsession, what is the definition of obsession; essentially when in spite of what needs to be done and what is best for all, you focus on something else, usually something that was – meaning in the past – and want to ‘make it real again’. So you prevent the possibility of ruining your life in the name of love. You learn more about you, what’s so good about that. You appease your fears systematically, through purposely touching reality through self directive writing to see the “void” between ‘your actions’ and ‘what is best for you in THE reality’.

To apply what I’ve said, lovey imagination is my action, weigh the pros and cons, with a keen eye on the reality outflows as what happens to the flesh bag that is my body that is stuck in a space-time reality. I lose sleep possibly masturbating because of this lovey imagination. I lose touch with what really happens when I actually meet that special someone. I set unrealistic expectations of my potential partner. I become overly positive/set unrealistic expectations of how events unfold with this person. My experience of myself will be more susceptible to ups and downs of feelings and emotions. I toy with myself with these expectations, when they’re fulfilled (I become arrogant), when they’re not fulfilled (I become wrathful/sad/depressed/indignant/etc. I leave it to your imagination). This is only looking at the outflows that affect me. I haven’t even begun about how lovey imagination would affect the people around you: the gossip, the neglect you allow.

What I see is best for me is if I simply stop. If I stop setting unrealistic expectations of my partner, which has nothing to do with empathy or compassion, expectations are rather selfish, I prevent a hell of a lot of heartache and lost time and effort. Sure, the effort of keeping these expectations is automated therefore easy, but the consequences are not easy to experience.

So far, I agree with what Bernard said about compassion: it’s not a feeling, but a realization of yourself. That you would not like others to do unto you, what you like to do unto others. See what I did there? I alluded to what you already know, that you are not the best you can be.

Conclusion: compassion cannot be a feeling if the feeling is a product of profuse input producing a mind machine that produces output that places you in a pit like imagination: locked in your own world. Rose-coloured sunglasses.

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Day 393: Stopping Doubt

So what to do with myself? First I need to snap out of the relationship of doubt I have personally. I can see that the doubt manifests itself as imagining the worst case scenario with the people around me. Then it’s to do what needs to be done. Then it’s to give as I would like to receive.

So doing what needs to be done in this example would be to take on the responsibilities of that job, while not being overbearing or conquering in my approach. Giving would mean giving people benefit of the doubt, not delving into matters that are simply out of my control – i.e. imagining the worst with people – keeping myself running on old tracks/habits/patterns, sticking to what I can physically confirm with my physical senses, and disregarding the rest that is obviously my imagination.

I suppose one ofthe myths that I fueled in myself is the myth of a ‘sixth sense’ especially in human affairs. The dream of having an ‘intuition’ that can predict and harness human relations to the betterment of myself only. The result is I grow paranoid trying to guess what may or may not have happened, and paint a rather bleak picture of the human relationship in me. That people only follow their self interest, that they cannot and will not consider others, as depicted in The Century Of The Self documentary. The part about the Cold War and how that affected human perception.

The solution is simple. Stop guessing.

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Day 392: My New Job

I’ve been told that I write to make myself feel better.

At this new job, I’ve been exposed to an environment of suspicion; where it is really the 5 of them against me. My initial reaction to this environment was negative; an overbearing sense of despair and dread of the worst that can happen. And I could not tell you what that was, maybe it’s being fired from this job.

In this, I see that I’m facing the point of ‘fitting’ others into my life. What role will these other people play in my life? Because like someone said to me, I’m not here in this job just to be praised or lauded, am I? Yet, there is a sense of good faith that is lacking in the 5 people I have the pleasure to meet. Well, except for between the 5 of them.

Should I feel anything because I know for a fact that they share things between them that I am not privy to? Should I feel anything because I know that they have discussed my value in their business? Should I feel anything because I know they close the door when no one is around except for me? Should I feel anything because no response is given by them for the time I spend overtime to handle this job and these people?

And should I feel anything because I shared with another X my opinion that there is no homely feeling in this job, and within minutes see the change in the demeanor of the other 4 around me?

In my heart of hearts, there is a precept I am heeding written by Lao Tzu: those that don’t do good to you, also do good and doing so, you gain in goodness. Something like that. Oh, and “the violent don’t come to a peaceful end”. Something like that.

So, I think there is value in staying if only to like what I dislike. I’ve been suggested to “keep my eye on the prize” (I typed price) but I think I have to be wary of my own negative emotion, and at the same time consider who I am within all of this. What can I do that would be best, for all.

Also I’ve been asked similar questions which breed an interesting answer. X asked me, “Why are you here? (Working this job)”. Y asked me, “So what are you doing here, what is your purpose of being here?”

To which I answered, to gain the relevant experience of teaching cello and something else… which at the time I could not express in words. Looking back, maybe it’s the want to connect with someone other than myself – the social instinct to look for more people to talk to. But how can I say that in front of people? Embarassing.

Price. Keep my eye on the price, if I do, then I would immediately quit this job and only stay in the capacity of cello teacher, simply because the transport fees are exorbitant. That and, to be frank, the boss is quite frugal when it comes to the bottom line.

So, yes there is value. As a mind, I don’t want to spend any more time with these people; they are paranoid from my perspective. But like what you dislike. I also need to stand and state who I will be in such environments.

In the next post I will consider who I will be in a suspicious environment.

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Day 391: Investigating Opposites

I feel like I’m having to walk the walk now, after having done the talk.

Life update: job +1. Reception at a music school and hopefully resident cello teacher with students to teach. Previously I only had one job at a hiking equipment store.

Meeting new people through work is stimulating. You discover parts of yourself that fell asleep from disuse. Learning a new instrument – guitar – is proving helpful in that with guitar, you need to worry about your left hand placement very much. So it gives me some inspiration as to how I can play with angles on the cello, the angle of my arm and hand holding the bow on the string, the angle of my left hand pressing the string.

And thankfully, my self-proclaimed myth that girls are superior to males in general has been investigated. This is due to having the wonderful opportunity to talk to some real females, and screening their words for some kind of value. The value I found, is that girls tend to take people’s emotions more into consideration and value how people act, not only what they do. The double-edged sword in this all is that girls tend to therefore take things personally, and work the symbolic route more than the literal route.

The value to be drawn from the female-to-female interaction ethic is to, in essence, clarify the definitions accepted and allowed by the other person, in order to understand their response to your words mostly. Because like a girl thinking you’re calling her fat because you exclaim, “Wow, there’s a lot of chips in this bag of chips”, both the personalized symbology and the literal interpreting exists in myself in varying degrees. That means, sometimes I see what X’s actions symbolize – reflecting back to me my symbology and personality – and others I see the action as just that – an action. It’s like the difference between seeing an action, and seeing it then comparing it to my memories of similar actions to draw a conclusion of what that action means.

What would revolutionize the female existence is if a method of self investigation were practiced, because much of the gossip and complaints about situations and people stem from a reaction in herself. Then, I would imagine, an objectivity about the symbolisms in actions would develop. Meaning the female will acquire the ability to take care of another lost in emotion, without sacrificing her mental existence to that purpose. Personally, I need to begin understanding this symbolic existence that is part of people in general, so that I give myself a more complete ability to ‘take care’ of people’s mental state, not that it’s taking care of, it’s more being equal to and one with people – their physical existence one, and two their emotional well being. The literal and the symbolic.

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Day 390: Exorcise the Fear Within

I’m paranoid. <person> said something cryptic, something along the lines of “When I’m direct, he’s unhappy, when I’m cryptic, he doesn’t get the message”. I don’t know if it’s a he or she.

Which leads me to the previous post that I had written about this girl. What if they are reading what I am writing? What if that was their response, albeit indirect and indecent?

<person> said to me this: “Are you enjoying yourself here?” Which made me wonder, is all of the pitter patter in the workplace just a joke?

But the history does not seem to imply such meaning. <person> re-hired me in spite of wanting to leave. Is this simply a case of imagination and a matter of “you manifest what you fear the most?”

I manifested what I feared the most. That was failing to walk the path of education, towards university, towards the university attracting a job for me, and me living out the rest of my days a worker. Would I have manifested the next greatest fear? And after another cycle, the next biggest fear?

If I had a second place for the greatest thing I fear, that would be being reprimanded unconditionally by everyone excluding family. What is the value of such writing? I would like to transcend the fear before it manifests, because the cycle of realization, while inevitable and absolute, is quite a painful process to walk. So I’m looking at fear of being casted out.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being casted out because of a single action I perpetrated.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the belief that one single action can consume/hide the vast majority of actions in a person’s method of judgment, to which I can therefore ‘get one thing wrong’, and have that person hate me and convince others to do the same.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the belief that there is something wrong in me, that would be ‘picked up’ by others and scrutinized because of that one wrong thing in me, that is not to people’s taste, that is spiteful in nature.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to play with energy by backchatting purposely until I developed feelings for <person>, and abusing imagination to fuel this fire.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to hide because of fearing having a single trait in me that people will scrutinize.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed imagination to possess me, the imagination of having a single trait that is disgusting, that others will know me for and I become infamous for.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not stand in that I will not trust my own judgment of my own character, in spite of having unprecedented access to my own backchat as secret thoughts, which enable me to be a greater judge of my own character more than any other person.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the belief that once one has ‘grown up’, one cannot return to a simpler way of making friends in that one become friends because of being here together, one has to make friends apparently through gossipping to prove how ‘real’ one is that ‘you can trust me’, because I am the same as you at the end of the day.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the belief that I will always be ‘less than’ everyone else, because I purposely do not gossip, and that apparently places a wall between me and the rest of the world, according to my imagination.

I commit myself to when and as I see myself wishing the world be against me, in the imagination I fuel and participate in, and in the words that I run my mouth inside my head, I stop, I breathe.  I realize that what is God is the outcome that involves everyone, and in this all I can do that is worthy of Life is to ensure that nothing spiteful exists inside me, in my backchat and imagination, and to deliberately push for an outcome that is best for everyone – that is worthy of Life, not constantly fearing the worst in everyone.  I Commit myself to worship the outcome, to stay grounded in the outcomes that are outflows of reality, and from trusting my own judgment, see what is really happening here, and decide a single course of action that will be mostly through spoken words, and I commit myself to remember to vy for the best outcome always.

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Day 389: Eye of the Needle

Yesterday I was shocked to find the answer to my question.

“When you have free time, you should meet up with me some time”
“Why?!” (with part disdain, part exclamation)

I imagine that the response is because she does not want to divulge her network of friends to me, but that is me imagining. Part of the reason of the response is also because she thinks I’m asking her out like this.

But back to self. Why so shocked at the response I received? I thought she was a ‘nice girl’ and this response definitely, in her tonality, was hiding some ill conceived things. My personification of gentleness became not so gentle. I thought she would hold some feelings for me and this response certainly shows that she does not want to intermingle with a mental cripple like me on too intimate terms. Which makes me feel a little unwanted. No matter what her interaction, she seems to be keeping her distance from me, which is all compressed in this one response, to which I react in anger. Because I have done everything I could possibly do to give as I would like to receive, and this is still the sort of response I receive. So there is an aspect of pride that I hve not looked at, where I see my pride as my actions being not valued for the social capital it really is.

What this further illustrates is the fakeness that these people are exihibiting with me, pretending to be chummy with me, because they keep this girl as a close friend that is trustworthy enough to handle money transactions and more. And this girl is exihibiting a wariness of me, so certainly the others especially <person> are wary of me. Though I can’t find within myself the reason why, I keep a pleasant demeanour at all times during work. Perhaps <person> made an observation of me that she shared with this girl that caused worry and wariness.

So, all of this in-gore-mation that I gleamed from one single interaction with this girl that I am fond of. Mostly speculation. With my mind in a cycle like this, no wonder I’m not so happy. This can be banished in the category of conspiracy theory, as there is little to no evidence to back it up in my interaction with these people, at this point in time.

How am I feeling about the situation now. Okay.

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Day 388: Life Update

Another sleepless night. But a life update is in order as I haven’t been blogging for the past three weeks.

I am pleased with the progress I am making to practice cello longer. The time per pop increased from 20 to 45 minute bursts. My love life is nonexistent thank you. I have not been reading as quickly as I have through Creation’s Journey to Life, and completely stopped reading Heaven’s. My guess is my pseudo-love life would be my love for headphone amps at the moment; I’m struggling to choose one to be with me for the rest of my life. I need to care more about what I eat for lunch, I’ve been deliberately being careless about eating junk food during lunch. That’s it.

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Day 387: Overcoming Reluctance

Getting disciplined is, to my interpretation now, akin to pulling taut a rope. Until it breaks. Why is this? Theoretically, taking on more responsibility, doing more in a day, would lighten the load I in fact have taken upon myself. Emotionally, it feels like the opposite.

The feedback I received from my last post is that the feeling of reluctance intensified, and to which I responded in energy/reaction by becoming passive/submissive to ‘myself’/my energy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to interpret being disciplined as pulling taut a rope until it breaks.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to glorify the idea of pushing something until it breaks and going further than that, me making the choice to glorify self diminishment, self annihiliation in a way.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the belief that to be disciplined, I will have to ‘give it my all’ which implies a leap of faith into being something that I believe myself not to be.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that to be disciplined, I will have to do what I do not like breath by breath which implies no leap of faith, just doing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed glory to define what I accept and allow in myself, through glory channelling itself into a feeling that I worship through action, meaning I do what I feel like.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define glory as being rewarded generously per action/reaction whatever.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to redefine glory as the golden silence that remains after doing said action, the glory of retiring once a campaign/set of actions have been accomplished; with no one or nothing to compare myself to except for myself and my process, my journey to life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed comfort to define what I accept and allow by only doing what feels comfortable, feels positive.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define comfort as balancing the extremes of energy as emotion/feelings, instead of redefining comfort as the absence or obliteration of ‘being under the influence of energy’, be it through self forgiveness or through pushing through extremes to break the mechanism/veil I placed as energy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to decide that comfort is my guide to doing what is best for all.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to test this theory by looking at the evidence that is my life to see if doing what is comfortable preserved any part of me that is of worth that gives to Life to this day.

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