There are times when I feel like I’ve faced this point before, so there’s this judgment on myself for not working through the same point faster. I’ve probably struggled for over a year on the topic of watching porn, which is indicating that basically, I’m not honest with myself else I Would have solved it.
It’s one of my peculiar fears. If I stand strong on this decision to stop watching porn as a lifetime commitment, will there be nasty side effects that I didn’t take into consideration? Am I interfering in God’s plan for me to watch porn for a lifetime and committing blasphemy by stopping cold turkey? And each time I write about it, I feel like a broken record and the time writing about it, it seems so clear and simple the decision is to not type in the website, not press play, it is exactly at the moment when I most feel like having some sexy time that is the moment I most need to stand, quietly with responsibility, and just follow through with ’till here no further.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive watching porn to be some forbidden mysterious art that if I fully participate in the joys of porn, I am undermining my own consistency and trustworthiness and fueling a significant cause for my irrational moments of impulse.
I Forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get a kick out of doing what is forbidden, and believe in the feeling that I am most free when I am all alone and I get to do whatever the hell I like, such as watching porn.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look upon porn as this godly savior that is the antidote to the negative reactions that is persistently here, extremely convenient and easy and simple to ‘cure’ myself of my own suffering.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define sexual modeling as porn according to having the power to incite my desire, and in the knowing that if I simply desire intensely for long enough, it will build up and offer a release that can only be called post nut clarity.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to in critical moments when the temptation is at its peak, to blindly accept the implied definition of myself as my prevalent experience to be utterly negative, while viewing the prospect of watching porn to be something very good for giving temporary extended relief from the suffering that seems unbearable in that moment, and all common sense is out of the door and suddenly – I don’t have the power to stand from and within my pre existent experience, I don’t have a choice that can stop this negative dread and doom as a matter of stopping myself simply, I don’t have the responsibility to make a decision and immediately live it.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to view myself as someone so utterly insignificant and useless and easily blown away by anything, when I am met with the temptation to watch porn, it’s like I isolate myself and take pleasure in stripping myself of all responsibility as power just to repeat a pattern, and as I well know – to entertain the reactions, of which being tempted to watch porn is a reaction, will only ever bring about more reactions and nothing of assistance or support that is constructive and that nurtures a self trust, falling time and time again at this point of watching porn has been me cheating myself out of many reasons to trust myself.
I Forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be dissatisfied with the raw nature of self correction where past effective self correction do not guarantee present effective self correction, where each and every single moment, I might as well see it as all moments of being faced with myself alone behind closed doors where I could do all the bad and forbidden things and get a kick out of it, but the self responsibility speaks clarity into what I’m dealing with and at times of great temptation, immediately make a decision and then live that decision, and making the same decision no matter how many times I am tempted.
Kasper's Journey To Life 