Dread, mixed with anger and revenge. Who would I be if I squandered my potential? I keep having this feeling I’m squandering my potential by staying in this daily routine of living. But, I can’t imagine my life in any other way but to do the things I want to do, to not do what I don’t want to do. It’s like most of my life, I’ve been criss-crossing between doing things I like and don’t like. When I like what I’m doing, I’m fine. When I’m not liking what I’m doing, that’s my problem: something inside me accumulates until I’m ready to burst and go for the impulse, and ‘this is my way’, ‘I don’t want to accept and allow someone else’s way’, and it’s just very difficult to convince myself that what I’m seeing is a lie.
I mean, even if I’m tending to my things internally now, what do I have to show for it? At least for the last ten years, I have been tending to my internal garden, but so what? There’s moments when it feels painful and extremely sore to not express what I feel inside. I’ve been telling myself that that’s a problem. What if what is inside is also a lie? Then I’ve wasted, at least ten years trying to control myself. With lies inside and outside, what is the self honesty? What is the deliberate action that all I need to do, is to repeat day by day, and I will arrive at my best self?
I can be angry at myself for not taking the path that everyone else is taking day by day, year by year. I can be angry at myself for not having an income from doing my part of the work that society is working on. I can be angry because I have no money left to keep living. I can be angry at myself for not chipping away at the things that I want to investigate.
I can be vengeful towards my upbringing and everything that I’ve done to arrive at this point in time. I can be vengeful towards my own past for all of everything to accumulate to this point in time when I’m dreading the worst. I can be vengeful for not having parents that teach me how to integrate into society.
I have this opinion that society is working on exactly what is required to enslave everyone, including the masters. If everyone is working on a project that is not best for all, in some way I ask myself each day, what can I be doing that will be a project that is best for all? I’m not honest, I don’t work for my own living. I look at the potential for me standing to work for my own living, and I ask myself, what is the critical difference that makes me stand for what is best for all, what is it about myself that what I do does not define who I am? I perceive education and work to be defining in more and more particular terms, what I can do to survive. Would I go suicide if I have no money left to live?
The most submissive thing in the world can ride roughshod over the most unyielding in the world. I interpret education and work to be increasingly unyielding in what is allowed, what you are allowed to do. And in my imagination, a path within education and work both boils down to one person in authority being unyielding in defining what is the way to survive, and what is the way to lose, and this is your free choice. Choose, and be content with the consequences.
I know there are things and stuff that is supposed to be done, take for example recycling. But in our paradigm of profit and worshipping profit, trash is trash, and the costs of trash are external, and trash is worth nothing. But then again, if we are so closely dependent on our environment, and we live in this one single environment that is the Earth, what can be more important than controlling, for lack of a better word, our inputs and outputs to be in equilibrium with the Earth, our one single environment? I look everywhere, and virtually every single thing is not fully optimized, not allowed to live to its utmost potential. Heck, I see every day people frowning, not being given peace. But for humans like me, our mental concepts and things we use as tools to survive is being given the most optimal inner protection, but seemingly at the sacrifice of our physical environment. If one single touch can communicate a world, a universe, what if we gave optimal physical resources to every thing in this physical world, enough food, water, shelter, sun, wind? Wouldn’t that be more profound and impactful than a lifetime waiting and hoping for a person outside of myself to give myself that one touch that implies a universe that give me ultimate peace? Between one singular touch and a lifetime’s supply of physical resources to live to our utmost potential, what is worth more? It’s been said that wealth is in being able to give time to the things that we want to explore.
I’m especially kind when looking into the eyes of my dog. Most people are kinder and realize the utmost dependence of an animal on our support, mental and especially physical resources. Why don’t we extend the same kindness to human beings? It’s one of the pleasant conundrums regarding my own existence: when I’m embroiled with myself alone, I’m all judgmental and with a tendency to reject everything, when I meet the gaze of my dog, it’s like all the struggles around what is important melts and I realize the value of life.
Kasper's Journey To Life 