I’ve been listening to an interview on EQAFE about partners that are ahead and their partners that are behind. I like to see it as that part of myself that sees my own potential, and the part of myself grounded in physical reality, and not that potential yet. There was a part of the interview where it was suggested that maybe the ‘ahead’ partner is reacting to the ‘behind’ partner due to a fear of starting over. I mean, it applies to ‘disciplined’ person facing a ‘less disciplined’ person.
I would sort of see and portray myself to be this purity of discipline, and just the exposure to a less disciplined person may twitch the temptation to step down and step back from my purity, so I would judge the ‘less disciplined’ person, antagonize him/her, just make the relationship overly emotional.
Instead of aspiring to a definition of discipline and diligence that is ‘sturdy’ enough to stand in the literal face of the living definition of ‘not disciplined’ and ‘laziness’, so is durable and so is a definition of integrity and substance. Maybe the other person is reflecting back to me my own inbuilt accepted and allowed weaknesses about my own definition of discipline and diligence.
It’s been awhile since I’ve been reacting to X. I would perceive X to always be asking questions to confirm what he/she already knows or wants. At X, I would react and for a time, I would stay silent and sort of give him/her the space to answer his/her own question. But this time that this pattern repeated, I was forced to give an answer because he/she really didn’t know.
So I gave the answer, then asked what he/she wanted to do with my backpack. X exploded and said I was wanting to get angry at him/her the whole day so just do it now. Looking at this moment now I see how I expected myself to give an answer right now this instant, and I was the one giving myself pressure to answer the question X posed. I mean, looking at this now, I could have made a joke about the situation: what can you put in that compartment in my backpack? There are actually many creative ways I can answer. Thanks to X, I’m confronted with myself, as that part of me when being asked questions.
I really don’t like being asked questions in general. It happened with Y, where I said there’s a clear difference about the name of a place. Y asked, but it’s the same name isn’t it, wasn’t that also the place we ate that time? In a flurry of emotions on my side, I really didn’t want to cross reference my memories and make it clear, so I said, oh, I don’t know.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe when someone asks me a question, they are expecting an answer and I can give the wrong answer, and that chance makes me dislike being asked questions.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe when someone asks me a question, they are superior and I am inferior because I now have to give an answer, while people take with asking questions.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to dislike myself when being asked a question that someone already knows their own answer to, to imagine myself being a ‘yes’ man and the difficulty of saying ‘no’.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to apply the same assumption to everyone that asks me a question, that they know what they want from me and it’s my duty to give them what they want, instead of realizing that yes, they might know what they want, but my problem is do I know what I want, and would I express my side of the relationship in a direct way with no expectations for the outcome, and no desire to please someone else.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that it’s my people-pleasing personality that emerges when anyone asks me a question, that I would like to go with someone else’s flow especially at the cost of my own flow, and be really hesitant and ready for conflict if what I say is not what the other person wants.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify slowly but surely eroding my own voice for the ‘greater good’ of submitting to another’s voice, since I don’t know what I want from the question anyway.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my own voice, my own decision, will be directly opposite to everyone’s choice, so why bother nurturing this voice, this decision, if it creates so much conflict.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame myself for being the one that starts conflict when I express myself, which I would observe separately in other people’s faces and voices, instead of embracing the fact that to walk my own process is going to incite the most conflict, yet the conflict is all within words in emotions/feelings/energy but not in the Physical, unless I accept and allow conflict in my own human physical body.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to dislike asking questions because I believe that I portray myself to be superior when I am not, when I ask questions, and this inner conflict is something that I would like to avoid, so I avoid asking too many questions.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe myself to be superior when asking questions, and believe that asking questions can only be from a position of trying to take some knowledge and information away from someone else, instead of realizing the simplicity of asking questions is in my starting point when asking that question, and making certain that my starting point for asking each question is to contribute to not only myself but other people’s life journey, and that my starting point is not to gleam someone else’s goodies of knowledge and information.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to avoid questioning my own preferences around the topic of questions, being asked questions and asking questions, only now looking at myself as both positions when there’s conflict.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to embrace that human life like my own circles and cycles within the same boundaries, and there are certain timeless subjects as words that repeat often, including my own accepted and allowed mind patterns of backchat, imaginations, projections as things that repeat in the same way, and also including themes that humanity keep on cycling and recycling, like questioning, love, sex, money, relationships, family, familiar places, food, the mechanics of enjoyment, the role of deception, paranoia amongst neighbors, absorbing knowledge and information through media, what makes some knowledge and information more important than others, absolute extremes of polarity, excessive desires, the role of control.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit my own quest in the quest-ion to only investigate what I am comfortable with, in spite of knowing that my comforts are also my limitations from my mind patterns that repeat in the same way, sort of playing out the same moment with a different appearance instead of delving into the unknown through investigation, through the quest in questioning.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the belief that it is safer to stay within my comforts of what I am allowed to investigate, pushing the blame for my own process onto some higher authority that I improvise and blame it on people in authority, instead of risking the ultimate danger, of losing everything that I know to be, and flipping upside down the roles that I believe other people and myself are playing, so obviously being the source of much conflict, but it’s necessary to investigate and eventually see what IS best for all timelessly.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the belief that only authorities come down with incessant questions, so I identify authorities by the questions that someone asks, instead of redefining and living authority to be that peculiar authority of what is best for all, that is not limited by my personality, and is something that everyone recognizes, but the how to reach that best for all remains a mystery.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see myself as secondary and inferior when asked questions, because of my own insistence and stubbornness to have an answer immediately, instead of seeing myself as a Pandora’s box and since having awareness that I am in Energy to an extreme degree, to be curious about what a question would open up as the Pandora’s box that I am, or black box.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to muddle the dividing line separating what is physical from what is myself, my own patterns and definitions of words, and pretend to forget that I am living in two worlds: quantum time in the mind, and physical space-time in the Physical.
Kasper's Journey To Life 