The destiny of existence, the destiny of our being, the destiny of our awareness.
When I contemplate what is the destiny of my being, I see two paths in front of me. One, is to stay in consciousness, have moments of dread, have ups and downs, become more and more unstable until I find myself untenable. The other path is the process from the mind or consciousness to being or awareness living or birthing from within the Physical.
I see myself walking both paths. Sometimes, I’m really on the ball, ready to face anything. Sometimes, I’m dreading from one moment to the next. But each time I dread, I realize it’s a choice and a decision. Time is here to test will. When I dread, I know my decision making is corrupted. I know my dread is a reaction towards myself as myself and what I believe are my surroundings. Here’s the question: would I dread if my money, sex, and relationships were all safe and secured? I think I would find any excuse to be pessimistic and cynical and want to throw out the baby with the bathwater.
So being pessimistic and cynical is addictive. Both positive and negative can be addictive. What is not addictive, when everything I can recognize is according to positive and negative? Breathing is not addictive. Seeing what is common sense is not addictive. Investigating myself for myself is not addictive. I mean, just living in familiar surroundings can be addictive. The way I react in social relationships is addictive. Being honest with myself is not addictive, even unpreferred.
In between sentences, I would breathe a lot before writing. It’s like I’m trying to stabilize myself. The only destiny that is a possible destiny is to be constructive about my being: instead of hoping for the worst, see what is here to be done and do it. Even in dread, life is always here. My breathing is always here or else I would have died. It’s not like the physical reality changes its principles because I feel dread. My human physical body is a vessel that makes birthing life from the physical possible. It’s like I’m rebelling against my physical body when I am stuck in dread. I mean each time, I must be consistent with the decision I have placed as myself. It’s been said that the mind is like a mountain built from tiny rocks as moments that accumulated, and my decision is equal to one tiny rock. The definition of this process is to be diligent and disciplined.
It’s funny. When I think about being disciplined, I think about the moment when I can let go and relax. Physical reality is not something you can just let it go and avoid looking at the consequences. I mean sure, you can not look at it but it’s physically hurting you and making you experience physical pain. The mind is not something I let go and I don’t have to look at the consequences it’s creating. I keep forgetting that I’m living in two worlds: quantum time of consciousness and physical space-time. Both require equal care and attention. It’s also funny that I used to think I want to crash and burn consciousness, my own consciousness, because I see myself as making trouble for myself alone. We’re all trees, and to look at a young person is to look at the future. To look at myself is to see what is here now, and for example, this dread is not being constructive with life at all, my own or with other’s life in a relationship.
It’s of utmost importance to identify what is my illusion and what is the physical. It’s important to mast-er, to be the mast that guide the winds of Energy, emotions and feelings, to a constructive destination. It’s important to master all the fuzzy logic and circuits that can possibly be made with emotions and feelings. Emotions as pessimism and cynicism, feelings as positive thinking. The beginning of illusion is the beginning of Energy. While I look around me, it’s the easiest thing to have self interest override what is best for all, to believe Energy to be this powerful thing that powers this world/myself when meanwhile, it’s only as powerful as I recognize it. Meaning, if I don’t recognize Energy as a power, then its influence on me is zero. It’s too easy to be stuck in an illusion according to exactly how I like my program to be, with its progress of evolution exactly the way I want it. Part of the difficulty about walking this process and journey to life is from consciousness, I’m being given exactly what it is I want in an illusion, and yet I still have to let it go if I am ever to find Life. What is the mechanics of bias, and how do we take out and delete our own bias? I can be so expert about other’s bias, but as long as I don’t know my own, I will never be free.
Another word for illusion is the big lie. Another word for emotions and feelings is the con of consciousness. So the later form or definition of physical reality requires something like control, being able to direct all the physical parts of the physical body into a constructive decision towards a constructive destination. It’s not something you can take a holiday from, or let go. Of all the categories of habits, the ones that are done because of the pressing physical need, indicating awareness of what is the Physical, should be like guidelines of what is real. Very roughly, one can see habits as destructive or constructive with no in-between, with the destruction and construction according to physical reality. Watching porn and having naked ladies at your beck and call for sexual modelling is destructive. Very roughly, feeling like you’re missing out on something important by not aspiring to the ultimate experience according to the physical senses – taste, touch, smell, hearing – is like an addiction and indicates fear – fear of losing out – and where fear exists and is maintained, illusion infects. Plus that really sears a hole through your wallet.
Kasper's Journey To Life 