Today’s theme: discipline, commitment and their opposites, undisciplined, refusal to commit.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that discipline takes hard work, such that the hard work accumulates into a constant burden or baggage that I take with me into each moment, instead of realizing that discipline is more about the here now decision and at all costs keeping one decision constant and stable, than it is about accruing medals of honor as moments where I believe I did a hard work that deserves reward.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that to be more and more extremely disciplined implies the refusal and denial and rejection of rewards in any way, shape or form, and the shift into seeing the disciplined action itself, or the corrective application itself, as its own reward, instead of looking into my addiction to rewards and targeting the energy/emotion first, to kind of guarantee a degree of clarity that is objective and common sense, as I greatly know how easy it is to stay stuck in illusions.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define discipline as the crucifixion of rewards, and the abstaining from rewards as pleasure because what I find pleasurable now is having the opposite effect of destroying and bringing chaos to my life and living routine, and that fickle habit of knowing what’s best for me, but having that cruel curiosity of what will happen if I don’t do what’s best and follow the comfortable lines enforced by my mind.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define rewards according to addiction and pleasure, especially pleasure that ‘rebels’ against common sense living and makes its space in my life that offers me an illusion that I am in a separate room, but it is my desire to blind myself to the painful reality of common sense living and maintaining that is responsible for the destruction, so that rewards and pleasure are not bad per se, they are bad according to the outcome they assist and support with.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to reject the parts of me reflected in the rewards I enjoy and the pleasure I seek, instead of aspiring to ground both the rewards and pleasurable activities into a common sense constructively addictive method of fulfilling those inner needs such that the outcome is what is best for all always, and to always reference the outcome to discern whether a reward or a pleasure I partake in is healthy or not.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to reject the possibility to transform and mutate an addiction from a destructive habit that dies hard, into fuel and motivation to live more specifically with a limitless potential to assist and support in more and more specific ways, beginning with assisting and supporting myself as the addictive habit or pattern that repeats.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge my refusal to commit and persevere as childish and naive, instead of listening to me where I am and understanding my reaction as refusing to commit is a reaction to something about my world, that I am deliberately muddying my focus by keeping the reaction at arm’s length, and not being sensitive enough to see the common sense solution to the reaction.
Kasper's Journey To Life 