I’m tired because of a full day of hiking (that was yesterday), so I didn’t want to write, but then again there’s the commitment to share a slice of bread daily, and I am no stranger to missed days, it’s like my blog is the evidence that I can always be doing more.
Today’s theme is ‘interpersonal’. I don’t think I have ever put myself out there as taking initiative and the first move to meet new people. It’s like I’m living the belief that wherever I am, there will be people, so getting to know people should be simple. When considering systematically and routinely meeting new people, I see myself making ‘so much’ effort but for what? I become more tired than I used to be, I invite more chaos than I used to have, more (interpersonal) problems face me, but for what? For my opportunistic side to grab opportunities from people acting like a greedy person with no satiable appetite? Is this a part of me that I want to nurture, incite, allow to infect?
I’ve always used the excuse of education or work to get to know new people. What if it’s not about getting to know them, as it is to get to know me? It should be obvious that all this processing, all this walking on the journey to Life, is not only to save myself, but assist and support others? Now I have this voice in me that says, “But how can you be supporting anyone when you still have this dread overwhelming you?” But I keep choosing, I keep deciding that the dread amounts to nothing. I would like to think that I am amounting to nothing, but that’s not true. But the dread is clouding my judgment, and making me think I am amounting to nothing. That I am useless, worthless, nothing should touch me, no one should know me, I should just be in a little corner and just be.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am amounting to nothing when my dread is amounting to nothing, instead of realizing that I have an entire physical existence’s worth of value, and realizing that the dread is not who I am.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to enslave myself to dread, as if I want to experience this death, doom, and destruction instead of standing up from the reaction that is dread, and moving on.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that dread is a reaction to myself and what I believe is my environment, so technically all I need to do is identify the trigger and find the network of information attached and let them go.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to move without my own aware decision to move into dread, instead of finding the trigger, finding the information and knowledge, and letting them go.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the belief that because I am without work and education, that I am on the outskirts of the system and afraid of people ignoring me, instead of realizing that I am being like this judge that judge myself to be nothing because “I am not in work or education, so therefore I have to deny, reject, and resist myself” “I am not up to my own standards”, instead of unconditionally assisting and supporting myself from wherever I am.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be harsh on myself with the justifiable excuse that I am not submitting to what is here as education and work, instead of gently looking at what is here and directing myself with clarity that comes with looking at what is here.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into this spiral of downward dread when I perceive myself to be unwilling and rebelling against ‘the way of the world’ instead of looking into what I am rebelling against and giving myself a solution.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to immediately judge myself to be wrong the instant I am not submissive and have a bone to pick with authorities, and in a way fear being submissive instead of laying the consequences bare in front of me such as with writing, and rather use the fear as a flag point to investigate which is a function of doing, and not a function of intelligence.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the belief that people can change the way I think through enforcing what I do, instead of learning from my dog that if my will is best for all, I will correct what is to be done so many times that people will give up as they must give it up, because I have aligned my will to what is best for all, and they might be in all the variations of what is not best.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the belief that people brainwash each other the most through traditions and policies from above, birthing the belief that I cannot trust myself to be subject to a certain category of policies because I’m afraid I will default to a survival mode instead of considering all life, part of which is considering other people’s suffering and not just giving lip-service to their suffering, but eventually take political action to bring the current system’s problems into account.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed rules of doing to have power over who I am, such as only being allowed to do homework, write exams, to earn a diploma or degree, instead of realizing that who I am as the decision I repeatedly make becomes what I do.
I Forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compromise my own future through rebelling against doing homework and writing exams and reading from books, instead of walking into a future in this physical world and realizing that decisions to do or not to do are never something done in haste, and can be considered at a walking pace.
Kasper's Journey To Life 