Day 1638: Always Waiting

Q: When you’re waiting for something or someone, what do you physically do? What experience are you going into within your physical body?

When waiting for something or someone, I slowly retract my chin and my chest. I begin to get anxious. I look forward down, as if what I’m waiting for is superior and I am inferior. The pride I usually felt with my chin up and chest open is suppressed. I go into the emotion of “I don’t know what to do”, uncertainty and distrustful of myself in the situation. I’m afraid of what will happen when I and the things/people clash.

When with other people, I would tuck my chin down and slightly slump my shoulders. Very much waiting for people to come to me, than me going to them. Despite all I know about myself, I still feel inferior to all of them together. I despair about what I can contribute to the conversation. I desire to slowly retract and be in a safe zone, separate from the group. I’m uncertain of my own intentions with me going to them, while I judge any inner movement towards my self interest as not pure, so I will be inferior as long as I’m doing it for myself.

Instead of making certain who I am is supportive for the outcome that is best for all, that unfortunately includes me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to default to an inferior experience when with other people, putting them on a pedestal and sort of worshipping them for ‘how much they are’, and ‘how little I am’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to idealize other people, especially in a group, as if ‘they always know better than me’ and ‘I always don’t know what is best’ when with them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to especially distrust myself and strip me of all goodwill and trust when with other people, instead of doing the opposite, or making sure the inner world is what is best for me as a life, so that I can recognize what is best for all Life in others and the situation.

I Forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to run my mouth and talk about others when they are not there, instead of letting them speak about themselves and I only talk about myself putting all my cards on the table, playing open cards while asking myself, what is best for all specific to this situation?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the belief that what is best for all, which includes me, is always what I will resist and deny and reject, instead of strategically placing self forgiveness in the points I will most likely react and rejecting impulse from making decisions too quickly.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deny the potential of me approaching someone else in a group, out of the excuse that I will always be out for my self interest and I’m afraid of what my self interest will do to the group, instead of facing my self interest before meeting the group, or even during, which makes self honesty the most difficult thing in the universe, and involves letting go of what I want to keep hold of.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that walking self forgiveness into a living condition and habit is going to involve innumerable moments of letting go of what I want, and being The Fool (Osho Tarot) that give all his trust in Life’s hands while doing what needs to be done.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to play on the defensive and wait for people/things to contribute to me, with myself not knowing what will happen, instead of playing offensively/taking initiative to make certain who I am, so that I am the one that decides the outcome regardless of what is here.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize the anxiety and anger that I build in myself by constantly defending myself, and not contributing myself to the group, and thus realize the lack of anxiety and the enjoyment of always taking initiative to put myself out there, and whether people like it or not, contributing myself to the group like saying “I am here, I am here to support the group.” Where I make certain the “I” while looking into what the group’s intentions are.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to slowly retract and as if in a gesture of revenge, getting my revenge through isolating myself away from the group, as if the group said, “We don’t want you here”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the belief that each group has a head and if/when that key person does not welcome me, then I believe the whole group does not want me here, which mutates into myself not wanting to be here with the group, instead of making a literal poll and asking each person if I am contributing, and if I am not, to change myself to do what needs to be done.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deny my own responsibility for making absolutely certain my own intentions with meeting new people, and pretend that my intentions are all in my head and I can’t decide EVERYTHING that happens in my head, that’s done by my mind, instead of redefining and living the word ‘intention’ to be a physical action, word and deed that makes me certain of what outcome I would like.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define service according to ‘doing something good’ for people that do nothing for me, instead of redefining and living ‘service’ according to a conditional giving under the condition that I can manifest what is best for all under the conditions.

When/as I see myself approaching my own intentions with uncertainty – I stop, I breathe. I redefine and live the word ‘intention’ to be a living action through spoken words and things I have done which gives me a space to redefine and make myself clear, so I may forgive myself when I’m selfish and simply apply the correction. I realize that giving myself clarity on my own intentions good or bad, is going to give me space to decide and keep a level of integrity in my thoughts, words, and deeds. I realize that I reveal to myself my intentions through how I do and say things, and I am responsible for how I do and say things.

I commit myself to enjoy being able to respond to my own intentions as revealed through how I do and say things. I commit myself to enjoy making my intentions clear through spoken words and deeds. I commit myself to not be submissive to my own destructive patterns encapsulated in an intention, and take immediate action to annihilate all self destructive, self sabotaging patterns.