Day 1598: Stand in Peace Dread, Doom, and Disaster

“I don’t feel like being a human anymore”, “I don’t want to be human anymore”, “I feel disempowered and useless and what is the point of me struggling against my own life, my own fate?”, “What is my own fate? This?”

After conversing with X, just blabbering about what I think is my purpose in this life, the path I am walking seems clearer. It seems harder to default to the above quotes. It’s at these times that simply standing, quietly, is critical to stopping. Why is it that the system is evolving and people are devolving? Why is it that everyone goes through university, work, and then stand by the system, of enslavement? What do I need to be aware of to escape that fate that I imagine about everyone, going through work and eventually fully supporting the system? What is my responsibility to everyone, of all ages, and what am I doing to benefit everyone? To my consciousness, it seems impossible that something so good, a doing that benefits everyone, can exist. Everyone is different, if speaking words point to one direction, how can those words be best for all when everyone has different needs?

The unifying point, it has been suggested, is the human physical body. I feel good thinking that this exact life I’m living, in these immediate circumstances, is something everyone has to face. Walking in these blogs have been a great source of support, but listening to EQAFE interviews, then looking at what I’m writing, it’s not enough. I’m not specific enough.

Today’s self forgiveness will be on feeling disempowered, useless, anxious, angry, vengeful.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to disempower myself to my own negative emotion instead of standing from and within such emotion.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that when I feel useless, I am useless, and whatever I try to do will be useless, instead of mapping out the path I would like to walk and defining my path in such a way that I do not look back, that I look forward, and see the new beginning within the end.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to dread and be anxious over money, because I dread educating myself formally and I dread the future work that I will be doing, fearing those processes blinding me, fearing myself deceiving myself through the excuse of education and work.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get angry at myself for not being fully willing to educate myself and go to work.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear growing old while I am working on something that clearly will never stand the test of time and be durable and be of value to everyone throughout all time, and instead of marking for myself in clear terms, what is of integrity, and what will be valuable to everyone timelessly, and then do that.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear spending my life on something that will never stand the test of time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry at the time that I offered like a sacrifice to the gods of education, in the blind hope that my future will be secured through such sacrifice, instead of stopping the hope, stopping the dread, both being two sides of the same coin, and mapping out for myself alone what problem I would like to solve, what solutions I can bring to those problems, and wholeheartedly doing that.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel taken advantage of by the education system, for throwing useless knowledge and information at me and making my future uncertain when it feels like it, instead of realizing who I was within the knowledge and information and realizing all I have to do throughout all time at all ages, is to make myself as durable, trustworthy, consistent, and stable as possible to be the best man, to be the man that does what is best for all with consistency.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the sheer quantity of information from university being like a fog that clouds my judgment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that there exists in this world, a certain amount of information at one time that will always cloud everyone’s judgment, including my own, in this deifying knowledge and information to have power over who I am, and not seeing the Self within it all, knowledge, information, moods, emotional states.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold a vendetta against anything that resembles education and work, while in the observation that everyone that goes through the wash of education and work becomes very submissive in a way, and starts to enjoy the rewards they have earned, and forgets about all Life as equals, and fears their own wealth disappearing, and fully willingly supports the current system to ensure their own wealth.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attach mysterious powers to the knowledge and information that education and work upholds as valuable and of use, and sees the use of this mysterious power as like a parasitic entity that sucks the life out of me dry, and when I am old and I am frail, I am vulnerable to everything that is here except for when I have money.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to interpret the holy spirit to be the knowledge and information that education and work supplies in abundance, instead of realizing the ‘spirit’ of peace and harmony is within/as the earth, sun, water, sky, and wind that we look upon day by day.

I Forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the person that wrote the knowledge and information used in education and work, for having a secret interest in the formalizing of their profession and kind of fearing myself being infected with that secret interest to infect the world with that same profession.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to look and see that what the knowledge and information wants to protect is but an intent within the words used, and akin to meeting a new person, knowledge and information/that person can hold any intent they like, and I will have my own intent required to manage and direct.

I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to disempower myself to the knowledge and information that education values, as if everything that I am learning outside of formal education is useless because it’s not within the education system to learn how to direct one’s own mind, to learn how to change permanently one’s own nature.

Day 1597: In Loving Remembrance of Earth

The sky is great and gives a sense of profundity because of its physical scale. Like the ocean, the sea, and the earth its scale gives a sense of profound possibility that is best for all, and all of them combined and merged into one Earth or one Mother Nature offers the contexts – past, present, and future – and all possible and necessary situations you need to face in order to transcend the mind, for each and every one of us humans on an individual basis, in just this one physical existence. Nature provides – as sun, earth, water, and sky – the biome in which we face ourselves in that mirror which we so ineffectively look into.

In order to more effectively look into our mysterious mirror, it’s instructive to sometimes not only look at only ourselves, but look at the general situation of other people. Isn’t it amazing? Thanks to a mind that we cannot even measure with our greatest technology, each person I meet on the street is equipped with a grey matter mind, and that has dominated society as we know it. All the conveniences has been given as a ritual sacrifice to grey matter and has glorified grey matter, while treating that which make grey matter possible, real matter, a seeming appearance of nothing, of no value, of worthlessness. The funniest part is in our living day by day, we live the utmost belief that what grey matter, our minds believe to be value is valuable, and we are utterly convinced that the mind is giving us the truth – without our own personal account of investigation and looking into and stepping one step back to direct all the information. Can you imagine?

The greatest feat of consciousness is the con, compartmentalized and lazily accepted and allowed by each individual human being, any person on the street I can look at them then imagine a bubble or glass sphere representing the mind of each person, and that has dominated and contaminated the common sense of real matter as each person’s human physical body because exactly of our laziness in taking whatever comes up from the mind as ‘the voice of God’ so to speak. Instead of tracing each voice and conversation phrase to its origin and realizing that oh my God, I set this trap for myself way back when, and stop sabotaging ourselves in disregarding real Life in the Physical. The price to pay for disregarding real life, where life is where the physical body is, where the practical definition of life is regarding the real realities and practical inconveniences implied fully by the existence of our physical bodies, the price of self interest is always more than one anticipate.

We can go into specifics about how we are disregarding life, but we can also speak generally in the following way. If what I speak as the usage of my own words, not assisting or supporting another in the principle of Equality and Oneness and guiding them to their own realizations in the support of Life on Earth, but instead is a knife that I knife into others through a throwing motion and a ‘I don’t give a fuck about the consequences’ perception, I got to be self honest that the primary tool with which I support myself through this process and journey to Life is words, and thus is the primary tool to support all others, so why am I not actually supporting others through the words that I speak, each time, every time? If I feel myself to be so precious that I will do whatever it takes to redefine and live my words in my inner reailty, why don’t I share that value with everyone else and recognize that others are actually starving for that unconditional support that they can recognize, but at the moment cannot produce themselves? Why do I support myself, but not give and share the same support with others?

After all, everything of all possibility has already been discovered by/as this physical existence, that I realized it in its details is purely a coincidence of position and location in process.

Day 1596: In Searching for Stability You Will Never Find it

It seems a critical key to stability as a form of consistency akin to living a principle that cannot change within all decisions – is this human physical body. That I get sidetracked every few days into a doomed mood is simply a reference indicating that I am not here in my human physical body enough so that I can effectively live. All the time, my human physical body, the surroundings it’s exposed to, the guarantee of food and water, should have brought forth the realization that in spite of gross inequality, I am here and being nurtured in my complete dependency on the entire physical existence, so from that view, it’s strange that I dread and feel doomed.

If there is a thing that is optimally maintained, it is my human physical body. To realize God as man, one have to have the confidence to direct as a God would direct his/her own human physical body and thoughts into an equilibrium of what will be best. Principle cannot change. It’s within applying principle that one gets a feel of the yin and yang of the principle as myself that cannot change, and the always-changing reality playouts day by day.

It’s like while I’m in my human physical body, it offers me an ability to look at myself in a bird’s eye view of all the most likely inner movements of energy and thoughts, thus the ability to direct, and sometimes, I get a sense of my beingness and the reminder is so clear that it dispels all indecisiveness.

Day 1595: Something Added to by Being Diminished

Why is it that the more I can fathom to consider, the more I respect more forms of life, it’s like a mirror effect: the more weak, the lower I bow down, the more I humble myself and identify with the forms of life that are most weak, most submissive, most abused? There is this perception of mine that “I’ll show them” or “I’ll get my way to fame through this” when I can directly communicate to my human physical body and I will be on this power adrenaline high and no one can fuck with me, I will be in the superior seat of positive feeling, but it seems considering more than only myself to an appropriate quantity and quality makes me more compassionate or empathetic with the most vulnerable, the most weak forms of life on Earth, the hEart of the universe. Becoming more aware in other words, means becoming more precise and specific in seeing the mess that we as humanity need to clean up in more and more detail, and somewhat feel embarrassed while I come to the slow realization of how long I have been blind to the precise mess or problem that is society, that is the dynamo at the moment for convenient enslavement, or enslavement to convenience.

I Forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I will become more by considering more, instead of realizing the critical component and essential cost of humbling myself to all forms of life by at the very least, standing in the shoes of the most disempowered forms of life and realizing what is acceptable and what will be best for them, and that implied responsibility that I have been blind to all my life until now.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to avoid bowing down as a physical analogy and sensation of what it means to humble myself towards what I’m dealing with as people and circumstances, instead of delving deeper into the physical experience of humbling myself towards others and discovering within it, how to enjoy humbling myself to others and prepare the way before me to bow down often towards others without the nasty side effect of a hurt ego that would very much like to lash out in revenge for making me realize what I do not want to realize, as my weakness and vulnerability and how the person being abused could have been me.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to embrace the physical practicality and seeing things as they are in how to be more aware of what is here, is the reverse total opposite of becoming more superior: the more I truly stand in more and more people’s shoes, the more attuned I am to the weakest, most vulnerable and abused strata of my country’s population I become, and the more pain I will realize as an awareness, that that could have been me in another life.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize the bewildering simplicity that to be aware of more things as part of investigating all things, means to investigate the more and more obvious and serious abused parts of this physical existence within the human kingdom, the animal kingdom, the plant kingdom, all forms of life to eventually stand as a voice for those forms of life that are most violently abused as a matter of self responsibility, while I realize as an awareness the pain that would have or could have been mine if I wasn’t incarnated in this life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that teaching others requires being in a superior position, or having superior knowledge, or having superior sense of touch and physical specific movement, instead of realizing that teaching others is an apt analogy and can be compared to teaching myself, both of which critically requires humbleness, humbling myself to my own weaknesses, humbling myself to the other to guide people to become aware of their shortcomings, yet not dare correct it for them lest I become an idol to be worshipped, and not upholding an equality between myself as teacher and them as student throughout the entire length of teaching.

Day 1594: Mood of Doom

More on the value of life, especially when I’m in a bad mood. It’s like an emotion of doom overwhelms me. It’s at times like these when I want to crawl out of my skin. It’s related to witnessing my own life and having nothing to show for it. Nothing to show for it according to what society says is value, is important. What do I think society finds important?

Money. A place to stay. Position. Power. Power to condemn people to not have a job, so have no money, so have no money to live. Friends. People to validate what I say. I mean, I ask myself if I will be content staying in one position all my life, and I won’t be. Then will I be content staying in multiple positions all my life? I would say to myself, what is the point if I am birthed and I will die? Is it really valuable to be allowed a position in the system? Yes, because there’s money in it. No, it won’t answer all of my questions about how to live in the best way possible. What is meaningful? If there is no Self to amalgamate with meaning, with the physical practical things about living, there is no meaning. If there is a Self, and I persist with that, there might be more meaning.

Sometimes, I find great meaning in listening to EQAFE interviews. It’s all about what the mind is, how it operates. When I listen for too long, the meaning escapes me. Spending time with people, whether the excuse is work or family, is meaningful. It seems that sometimes when I spend time with myself, it becomes unmeaningful and I would very much like to stop living. But, I’m spending time with myself all the time. What shifts between the times I like myself, and don’t like myself? I would like to blame it on my body, and it’s the chemicals that are imbalanced and it’s not my fault, but what is the real story? It’s when I’m writing it out, and trying to explain to myself what exactly is misaligned within myself, that I’m more stable.

I fear the moment I realize what I’m studying at university is not what I want to do for the rest of my life, but it’s what I studied so it will be the profession I will be stuck with. So, I sort of already realize no matter what I try to do, it will fall in line with the system, but the system is a system of enslavement. Is there such a thing as a profession that will bring about what is best for all? If the vast majority are people in those professions, there’s always the potential for every profession to be amalgamated with the will to what is best for all. A lot of fear is placed around equality and what is best for all, so it seems really disorienting to fathom what is a will to what’s best, that fits into one human being, namely myself. If there is a future for humanity, maybe it is in what already is best, what will be best for all.

Great people are great because they point out the obvious that everyone already knows, but have not applied in practical application. It’s as if great people are little children, that preserved a part of themselves that is common to everyone and shares what they know to be best. I mean it in the best way, the best attitudes from little children. It’s as if by simply being fully manifested in the Physical, with the gift of life already given in its full measure, it implies perfection just like a physical universe already has embedded within it, the one path to what is best, for lack of a better word than ‘path’.

I mean everyone is already perfectly in their processes, especially the people I know, especially the people that we know personally that can affect us. I’m just having a hissy fit. Looking back on the path I walked in childhood, there’s a million things and one that could have gone wrong, but didn’t. I got to thank myself for not delving into delinquency. Not that it’s bad or wrong, I mean maybe the path I’m walking in these blogs is wrong too, but I will have the evidence and I trust myself to correct myself. It’s like asking the question, what are you living for? Aren’t we all living in waiting, hoping for perfection to be handed on a golden platter, and feasting on all the things and people and environments around us that scream perfection? We all have this inner spark to want to perfect ourselves, but especially me, we have been kind of lazy to get completely filthy and dirty with isolating the details and taking ourselves on one point at a time.

Before mental illness, the doomed moods were so integrated as who I am that they went unnoticed. After it, the emotions come at least two times a week. It’s very difficult to say what went misaligned when I feel doomed. So far, it’s the comparison between myself and people that I know. But no one can compare their lives to each other. We think we’re in the most inappropriate curriculum as our lives, but maybe it’s the most appropriate.

Day 1593: The Value of Life

Questions are awesome. I sometimes look at my life, and everyone’s lives, as blades of grass with a birth and a death, and the entire process is just simply growing and dying. I wouldn’t say a blade of grass is better because it’s in their prime, nor would I say grass is less for becoming old. I also sometimes look at myself, my life in trying to compare it to the lifespan of a piece of tissue paper. To my consciousness, the tissue’s life ends after blowing my nose with it and throwing it into the rubbish bin. But what if the tissue’s existence is equally interconnected deeply with this entire physical existence? It’s like a tree is not just a tree, it’s connected to the entire world’s atmosphere and dirt.

Truth be told, I feel very small when I compare myself with a tissue. Disposable, something easily dispersed by anything, weak, submissive. Part of the dread and doom comes from viewing the fragility of my own life as a piece of tissue paper. I would also sometimes believe I would be more content, more full of life, if I only had more spoils from competing in the global rat race to become a millionaire, to have an abundance of money. But what does life have to do with money? It’s like asking, what does Nature have anything to do with money? Nature is something that most closely resembles life in its utmost potential, and everything that Nature does is not a ‘have to do’, more like a ‘what needs to be done’ to the benefit of all. And who wouldn’t do what needs to be done if the awareness is so clear that everyone will benefit from such labour? It’s kind of like the awareness is so clear of the consequence if one do not act to benefit all, which is decay and being responsible for everyone becoming less than their utmost potential. More than the delight of doing what will benefit everyone, is the real fear of what will be personally incurred as a cost if one do not take responsibility, not only for myself but for everyone in the outcomes and side effects we all share. It’s kind of like speaking up, more than the benefit of speaking up, the consequences of not speaking up and remaining silent is something to be feared because the cost of self interest, the self interest of remaining silent, is always more than one anticipate.

The value of life persists spiting all immaturity, rot, or decay. The value of life is like looking into the eyes of a dog. We say we value life, but in our living we worship money more than life. What the value of life is, is not at all any piece of knowledge or information. It’s not a threshold of useful knowledge and information that equips one to deal with the world and get one’s piece of the money pie. The value of life is something content with remaining nameless, undefined, in spite of our mind’s obsession with defining and naming all things. The value of life is empty, because great whiteness seems sullied, great fullness seems empty, great skill seems awkward. The value of life seems separate from our usual preoccupations, a loner, but it satisfies with a realization of ultimate peace that is the object of desire of all our preoccupations, the root of our preoccupations has been to find this peace or contentment. The value of life is not something able to be accumulated into something more, you’re either realizing the value of life so that you’re equal to it, or you’re in the countless permutations of being less than the value of life with inner conflicts and desires as fears of losing what you have.

Day 1592: Allowing the Knots to Unravel

Dread, mixed with anger and revenge. Who would I be if I squandered my potential? I keep having this feeling I’m squandering my potential by staying in this daily routine of living. But, I can’t imagine my life in any other way but to do the things I want to do, to not do what I don’t want to do. It’s like most of my life, I’ve been criss-crossing between doing things I like and don’t like. When I like what I’m doing, I’m fine. When I’m not liking what I’m doing, that’s my problem: something inside me accumulates until I’m ready to burst and go for the impulse, and ‘this is my way’, ‘I don’t want to accept and allow someone else’s way’, and it’s just very difficult to convince myself that what I’m seeing is a lie.

I mean, even if I’m tending to my things internally now, what do I have to show for it? At least for the last ten years, I have been tending to my internal garden, but so what? There’s moments when it feels painful and extremely sore to not express what I feel inside. I’ve been telling myself that that’s a problem. What if what is inside is also a lie? Then I’ve wasted, at least ten years trying to control myself. With lies inside and outside, what is the self honesty? What is the deliberate action that all I need to do, is to repeat day by day, and I will arrive at my best self?

I can be angry at myself for not taking the path that everyone else is taking day by day, year by year. I can be angry at myself for not having an income from doing my part of the work that society is working on. I can be angry because I have no money left to keep living. I can be angry at myself for not chipping away at the things that I want to investigate.

I can be vengeful towards my upbringing and everything that I’ve done to arrive at this point in time. I can be vengeful towards my own past for all of everything to accumulate to this point in time when I’m dreading the worst. I can be vengeful for not having parents that teach me how to integrate into society.

I have this opinion that society is working on exactly what is required to enslave everyone, including the masters. If everyone is working on a project that is not best for all, in some way I ask myself each day, what can I be doing that will be a project that is best for all? I’m not honest, I don’t work for my own living. I look at the potential for me standing to work for my own living, and I ask myself, what is the critical difference that makes me stand for what is best for all, what is it about myself that what I do does not define who I am? I perceive education and work to be defining in more and more particular terms, what I can do to survive. Would I go suicide if I have no money left to live?

The most submissive thing in the world can ride roughshod over the most unyielding in the world. I interpret education and work to be increasingly unyielding in what is allowed, what you are allowed to do. And in my imagination, a path within education and work both boils down to one person in authority being unyielding in defining what is the way to survive, and what is the way to lose, and this is your free choice. Choose, and be content with the consequences.

I know there are things and stuff that is supposed to be done, take for example recycling. But in our paradigm of profit and worshipping profit, trash is trash, and the costs of trash are external, and trash is worth nothing. But then again, if we are so closely dependent on our environment, and we live in this one single environment that is the Earth, what can be more important than controlling, for lack of a better word, our inputs and outputs to be in equilibrium with the Earth, our one single environment? I look everywhere, and virtually every single thing is not fully optimized, not allowed to live to its utmost potential. Heck, I see every day people frowning, not being given peace. But for humans like me, our mental concepts and things we use as tools to survive is being given the most optimal inner protection, but seemingly at the sacrifice of our physical environment. If one single touch can communicate a world, a universe, what if we gave optimal physical resources to every thing in this physical world, enough food, water, shelter, sun, wind? Wouldn’t that be more profound and impactful than a lifetime waiting and hoping for a person outside of myself to give myself that one touch that implies a universe that give me ultimate peace? Between one singular touch and a lifetime’s supply of physical resources to live to our utmost potential, what is worth more? It’s been said that wealth is in being able to give time to the things that we want to explore.

I’m especially kind when looking into the eyes of my dog. Most people are kinder and realize the utmost dependence of an animal on our support, mental and especially physical resources. Why don’t we extend the same kindness to human beings? It’s one of the pleasant conundrums regarding my own existence: when I’m embroiled with myself alone, I’m all judgmental and with a tendency to reject everything, when I meet the gaze of my dog, it’s like all the struggles around what is important melts and I realize the value of life.

Day 1591: Things my Dog Taught Me

Things my dog taught me. In the most unlikely of places, with the least expectations, I learn every day the value of life and how life is precious, and life doesn’t have to know it all, life doesn’t have to go through processes of suffering and sacrifice or hardship, life in its ultimate evolutionary state is empty, hollow, an emptiness that resembles nothing so that it invites the possibility of everything to be manifested as required. Looking into my dog’s eyes reminds me every day, the value of life.

Being kind is more important than being intelligent or smart. We look at old people as if they will not be us. We observe their slowed down pace, their looseness, their tendency to forget important things, and think when we are that old, it won’t happen to us. Intelligence or smartness is a form of sharpness, hiding beneath it a sort of frantic, fearful survival-obsessed personality. What if all my smartness was merely a reaction to my own fear for survival, of fashioning all things into tools with which to kill other life so only my own life survives? Intelligence is the process of adding more and more.

The soft, weak, and flexible are the comrades of life, and the hard and unyielding are the comrades of death. The pinnacle of technology cannot compare, does not hold a candle to the phenomenon of a dog softening one’s heart. Why can someone, a dog, so simple, weak, submissive, that wears his/her mood exactly on his/her face, ever get far in the world, keeps no secrets nor schemes secretly for greater ambitions, with that exact absence of ambition – can dogs communicate to us in a way that is so convincing, that reminds me of the value of life so clearly that the technology, its potential, fades away while the simple warmth of cuddling a furry dog brings satisfaction far surpassing it?

Knowledge is not power. To be aware of what is happening as a form of knowledge is not power. Life, that thing that remain important, vital and critical even, despite its empty, insubstantial in weight, wispy presence, Life is power since the beginning of existence. But what do we do with life? What do we do to the animal kingdom, the plant kingdom, but exactly be not nice towards their form of unconditional assistance and support? We even get self righteous and think we are really smart to not be nice, to lay down conditions and when they are not met, “I don’t want to see your face in mine ever again”, perhaps its a wily way to excuse, justify, and reason why denying, rejecting, and laughing at is a valid state of living when it isn’t.

Day 1590: The Difficult Conversation, Part 8

The difficult conversation part 8.

I doubt my ability, for lack of a better word, to persevere and commit to studying material that is not my interest, yet kind of is because it’s the way to a path laid with money. Reading from books I don’t doubt my ability to comprehend it, my greatest fear is that I’ll get angry – for whatever reason – and not commit an abundance of time to formal education. In that sense studying is easy. Splurge consistently and constantly with an abundance of participation in reading books to write assignments and exams, then you will pass.

And to do the opposite of spiritualizing education, it boils down to reading from books and writing homework and exams. No guarantee of an objectively better, more trustworthy human being totally. Just like the teachers need to spew out stuff, we students spew out stuff echoing their sentiments and that’s how we pass. Education, like work, like training, is not the important part. The important part to my looking is the people part, the real people coming together as a group part. It’s the certification and validation amongst equal peers or coworkers or fellow students that has some intrinsic value. It’s like the way I perceive sports stars. They are the best only because there is an entire ecosystem with hoards of highly skilled athletes that make the label ‘the best’ mean something. It’s because there’s people smarter than you that are grouped in your geographical location and workplace and classroom that ‘the best’ means anything. The strange thing is – no matter what heights you reach through smarts, what is important is you know your role and place, your niche, and from knowing thyself do what is best – for all. This is an answer that applies to every person of every capacity – you can know yourself, and from there never overextend, nor shrink in miserly fashion, but from there do what will be best for all.

Day 1589: The Fickle One

Despite being dead certain I will have downs, I will get angry, when anger is always fear, always consciousness, I’m optimistic for the future. I look at myself in the mirror in the eyes, and I see the troublemaker in me, I see that line that in a queer way, I want it to be crossed just so I can react negatively, but finally – finally I’m kind of certain about who I will be when it arrives at my doorstep in the bloody obvious obviously right here situation to deal with. There are some things that are really only ever my own habits and patterns of reactions.

I look at the good times, and the good people, things, etc., and I see the beginning of a fear of loss, a fear of losing the good that I have at my fingertips right now. This is not a good attitude to harbour and nurture, there was once upon a time a will and fury to sacrifice everything for a truth that will empower me to change and decide my own future. As much as I cannot decide my own future, I can decide my own future. It’s essential that I take initiative, put myself out there, and state my intentions with living deliberate actions day to day, but it’s also important of the opposite: to listen and HERE/hear and look at what is playing out, and consider more than only just myself. The end of something marks the beginning of something. This is the mantra I repeat while I count the days until my dog dies, which is soon, but there is time until there is not. This will be the same approach with my mom. Rather celebrate and make into my own the qualities and characteristics and attributes that I believed I could only experience when with my dog or my mom. Celebrate someone’s life and how they moved to the next phase of their lives by honouring the gifts they reflect to me as parts of myself previously abdicated in a way towards them, as if saying, “I can only live these things when I am with X”.

A key to stability and walking for the long run in this process and journey to Life is slowing down, always slowing down when things even begin to get overwhelming. Slowing down, then looking at what is moving within myself, and stand as that authority to oversee all the moving reactions and patterns of myself in this moment, and direct each to their deserved conclusion and be the eye of the storm that can step back and look deeper. There’s something to be said about staying on top of the habits, behaviours, patterns that are in any given moment. It’s a key to living stability as a word. I find when I accounted for all the inner movements, I more convincingly give to myself a sense that I am able to handle myself and something stills and calms inside me. It’s a key to stability, keeping checks and balances and tabs on aaaallll the patterns in any given moment, one way to do this is identify the words you are living in any given moment and deliberately also redefining their opposites, to more holistically deal with each word and its opposite.

But as usual, the unseen work that will never see the light of day or any sliver of recognition is the most important work to do. There is that impulse to want some kind of thank you after a lengthy spell of working on what actually needs to be done, but it’s like I really don’t want another to thank me, I want me to appreciate myself and gift myself that recognition of myself as having value.