Day 1603: Disassembling Freedom

Who am I as freedom now?

• absence of an external controlling factor/person/system/rules/structure/tradition etc.

This translates to a fear of tradition etc. brainwashing me in an unknown way. There has been for a long time, a voice in my head doubting, “Is the tradition I’m absorbing really what is best for all? What if the structure I’m integrating as myself was designed to produce a damaged character with weaknesses and sins?”

So that translates into a fearful, doubting, cynical, and reluctant attitude and approach toward culture in general. Funny thing is I wouldn’t investigate all those things myself and see for myself whether they will directly contribute to weakness. Because looking at it now, culture will have aspects that are the foundation for what is best for all to emerge, and obviously other aspects that form the foundation of abuse. But the proportion or quantity is not important, what’s important is I know exactly which parts I can use, which parts I can discard, and both form the manure for the tree of life.

• the ‘freedom’ I experienced at my first school

I was a content child under the Montessori system of thought. One of its beliefs is the child knows exactly what it needs to nurture him/herself to his/her utmost potential. So I was basically put on a pedestal, given free reign to learn whatever I wanted within what was available, and that really stroked my ego.

An abundance of time outdoors and in touch with nature, really imparted a profound sense of harmony and gave me a great source of contentment. Giving things their space and time to grow into their utmost potential, so that I live my utmost potential.

• being given the specific instruction and making it a rule that ‘your interest is divine, therefore it must be respected’

See above.

• not being told what to do

Indicating an anger thus fear of being told what to do, but what was told is not best for all. Thus a fear of others imposing their will on me, when that will is not best for all. Or even worse, the will is self interested. I can look at my life as a series of meeting figures of authority, giving conditions for my inclusion into society as being told what to do, and my own reply being yes or no. Truth be told, I really want to say no but I’m starting to realize that saying no to society is spiting myself and stunting my own utmost potential actually.

So it’s like I’m blaming figures of authority for my own ignorance and dumb faith in them that they investigated what is best for all and enact the greater will, instead of taking my own authority as an equal human and investigating all things and keeping what is best for all. I don’t think it is ever an authority figure’s wish that you become lazy and rely on their sight for all decisions. I like to think that an authority’s greatest desire is to stimulate common sense reasoning, and promote that while everyone is independently managing their area of affairs.

• no one I can blame for being controlling
• an absence of excuses, reasons, and justifications to identify anyone or anything in my world as something that is controlling me

In a mode of thought of wanting the environment to adapt to my own preferences, which will never happen. In a way, making the statement that I’m not capable enough to adapt to the unrelenting environment which is never perfect, and in a living statement of weakness creating and holding a weak hope that one day, the environment will give itself on a golden platter.

To be submissive is not to abdicate responsibility. It’s to stand and stand up for what is, measured and cross referenced to reality, what will be best for all and is actually that after many experimentations in physical reality. Realizing that no matter how a person imposes their will, they can never change my decision to do what’s best, and my decision as a directive principle is what cannot change, and so is kind of untouchable.

• often enough being given the power to decide some things

This is within the design of giving some things more importance and other things less importance according to my ambition. Even in the lowest of positions in the hierarchy, everyone meets decisions. There is no such thing as a job or position or education that has the power to control every decision you make. But there is one thing – fear – that makes us all zombies, and makes our decision making predictable. Living what is best for all also makes our decision making predictable, so why choose fear to rule over us and not what is best for all as a principle of living? It’s the funny thing about best for all, it applies and expounds from exactly where we are in the position of the hierarchy, no matter how high or how low we are in the pecking order.