What the dread and the doom has done in physical reality is becoming less and less. I catch myself when I’m in the mood for doom, then I pause all processes as I know I am irrational and on some level, I realize I’m judging myself and justifying it. All anger is always fear. Which means all vengefulness, towards myself or even others, is at the end of the day, revenging on myself.
I get an overall impression that the dread has to do with memories I’ve built up that speak a narrative about what I deserve, what should be important in my life, what kind of power and position someone like me should be having.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place myself in a position where I will only be satisfied when I have reached my goal, instead of realizing contentment and enjoyment every step of the way in the journey of a thousand miles beginning with one step.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize my own life as entire life’s arc according to an engineering project where I must direct each and every stage of the process to ‘perfection’ in the sense that my decision remains unchanged, best for myself thus best for all.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be distracted with appearances of how immature I may be looking according to how I see others will look at me, instead of siphoning even that attention to distraction to instead channel that distracted attention to the practical self corrective action necessary and vital to a revitalizing process called living and redefining and living words, living as a verb.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to allow myself to dread for the future because of my own accepted and allowed inaction, instead of realizing that my acceptance and allowance to not act and to hesitate, its logical sequence of events is a future with no personal work done, thus my own dread is my responsibility because I am not taking measured appropriate action to change what I KNOW will happen the longer I hesitate and doubt.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed a belief that hesitating and doubting as a continuous state of being is the most rational method to approach the unknown or unpredictable, instead of realizing the poison that is doubt and hesitation which interrupts the flow of living, and instead I should reflect that in a Self that is best, even with the least amount of knowledge and information, it will guide me to what is best because my starting point is best, as such knowledge is dead but the human is alive to difficulty.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to willingly enslave myself to doubt and hesitation with my prayer in each breath by accepting and allowing some dimensions where I allow myself to doubt, and say buts, and hesitate from a starting point of fear of the unknown, instead of correcting the prayer-in-each-breath to be aspiring to clarity and real decisions made and kept through measured appropriate action reflective of the decision.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to befuddle and confuse the dread to be the cause in itself, instead of realizing my own actions and non-actions as the real cause in the way of an analogy that a person about to stick a knife into his heart is obviously going to fear death, but the fear is not its own cause. In this I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to empower myself by realizing what I am doing to myself in a form of self sabotage, and so look directly and with clarity who I am, so that what I do may align with what is best for all always and so I take responsibility for my own accepted and allowed actions and non-actions.
Kasper's Journey To Life 