Day 1614: Basking in Inferiority Towards Greatness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project what I set my mind to do to appear very great and large and profound, so great that I feel inferior to this greatness I project, instead of grounding myself in the immediate balance of practicality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed my own creations to register on my awareness as more than and superior to who I am right now, such as recognizing formal study to be this task that requires utmost dedication and diligence, dedication and diligence that I see myself as unable to meet, instead of realizing physical reality is always unexpected, and to take the project of studying one day at a time, one present moment/day at a time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am being placed into a mold more and more and more, through studying and working, and in this believe my freedom is being encroached, instead of realizing the fleeting nature of knowledge and information, that I define all knowledge and information and knowledge technically cannot enforce a standard of conduct from me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that there is a category of knowledge that has that mysterious power to control me, or brainwash me, instead of investigating the knowledge itself to realize its fleeting nature where, with knowledge formalized by humanity, it seems relevant now but tomorrow can become irrelevant.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed a certain ambition towards a certain level of complexity in my routines and habits, instead of balancing simplicity and complexity, simple solutions and complex problems, and aspire to see deeper in each moment of breath because according to how deeply I can see in one breath, I can predict the sequence of breaths in terms of measuring my own effectiveness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be seduced by the idea of an optimal complex routine and participation, instead of grounding myself in the practical details even into details of processes that people and I take for granted, like the actual walking process from A to B.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to be seen as ‘too simple’ or have what I do be seen as ‘child’s play’ or simple, in a self manipulation to make myself feel ashamed when I don’t tackle the more complex tasks, sort of like being content with one difficulty in a game and not challenging myself to a higher difficulty and feeling ashamed for my preference.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that in the small measures of appropriate action within a rhythm of living, the big outcomes emerge such as ‘achieving’ a bachelor’s degree, and being grounded and stable in a work position.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to underestimate and belittle the little that moves in a singular breath, and believe myself to be ‘over that’ and ‘I deserve a better difficulty than this easy bullshit’, instead of appreciating the fact that I choose to take for granted many things, things that I genuinely believe will always be when they can leave my life in one breath, and instead of fearing the moment of parting, rather utilize the fact to look in each singular breath more deeply and move more deliberately to optimize the moment, eventually every moment.