“I don’t feel like being a human anymore”, “I don’t want to be human anymore”, “I feel disempowered and useless and what is the point of me struggling against my own life, my own fate?”, “What is my own fate? This?”
After conversing with X, just blabbering about what I think is my purpose in this life, the path I am walking seems clearer. It seems harder to default to the above quotes. It’s at these times that simply standing, quietly, is critical to stopping. Why is it that the system is evolving and people are devolving? Why is it that everyone goes through university, work, and then stand by the system, of enslavement? What do I need to be aware of to escape that fate that I imagine about everyone, going through work and eventually fully supporting the system? What is my responsibility to everyone, of all ages, and what am I doing to benefit everyone? To my consciousness, it seems impossible that something so good, a doing that benefits everyone, can exist. Everyone is different, if speaking words point to one direction, how can those words be best for all when everyone has different needs?
The unifying point, it has been suggested, is the human physical body. I feel good thinking that this exact life I’m living, in these immediate circumstances, is something everyone has to face. Walking in these blogs have been a great source of support, but listening to EQAFE interviews, then looking at what I’m writing, it’s not enough. I’m not specific enough.
Today’s self forgiveness will be on feeling disempowered, useless, anxious, angry, vengeful.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to disempower myself to my own negative emotion instead of standing from and within such emotion.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that when I feel useless, I am useless, and whatever I try to do will be useless, instead of mapping out the path I would like to walk and defining my path in such a way that I do not look back, that I look forward, and see the new beginning within the end.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to dread and be anxious over money, because I dread educating myself formally and I dread the future work that I will be doing, fearing those processes blinding me, fearing myself deceiving myself through the excuse of education and work.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get angry at myself for not being fully willing to educate myself and go to work.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear growing old while I am working on something that clearly will never stand the test of time and be durable and be of value to everyone throughout all time, and instead of marking for myself in clear terms, what is of integrity, and what will be valuable to everyone timelessly, and then do that.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear spending my life on something that will never stand the test of time.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry at the time that I offered like a sacrifice to the gods of education, in the blind hope that my future will be secured through such sacrifice, instead of stopping the hope, stopping the dread, both being two sides of the same coin, and mapping out for myself alone what problem I would like to solve, what solutions I can bring to those problems, and wholeheartedly doing that.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel taken advantage of by the education system, for throwing useless knowledge and information at me and making my future uncertain when it feels like it, instead of realizing who I was within the knowledge and information and realizing all I have to do throughout all time at all ages, is to make myself as durable, trustworthy, consistent, and stable as possible to be the best man, to be the man that does what is best for all with consistency.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the sheer quantity of information from university being like a fog that clouds my judgment.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that there exists in this world, a certain amount of information at one time that will always cloud everyone’s judgment, including my own, in this deifying knowledge and information to have power over who I am, and not seeing the Self within it all, knowledge, information, moods, emotional states.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold a vendetta against anything that resembles education and work, while in the observation that everyone that goes through the wash of education and work becomes very submissive in a way, and starts to enjoy the rewards they have earned, and forgets about all Life as equals, and fears their own wealth disappearing, and fully willingly supports the current system to ensure their own wealth.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attach mysterious powers to the knowledge and information that education and work upholds as valuable and of use, and sees the use of this mysterious power as like a parasitic entity that sucks the life out of me dry, and when I am old and I am frail, I am vulnerable to everything that is here except for when I have money.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to interpret the holy spirit to be the knowledge and information that education and work supplies in abundance, instead of realizing the ‘spirit’ of peace and harmony is within/as the earth, sun, water, sky, and wind that we look upon day by day.
I Forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the person that wrote the knowledge and information used in education and work, for having a secret interest in the formalizing of their profession and kind of fearing myself being infected with that secret interest to infect the world with that same profession.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to look and see that what the knowledge and information wants to protect is but an intent within the words used, and akin to meeting a new person, knowledge and information/that person can hold any intent they like, and I will have my own intent required to manage and direct.
I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to disempower myself to the knowledge and information that education values, as if everything that I am learning outside of formal education is useless because it’s not within the education system to learn how to direct one’s own mind, to learn how to change permanently one’s own nature.
Kasper's Journey To Life 