Day 39: I Fear Authority

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react in anger when I am constantly watched by an authority.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame people in authority positions for my negative experience when they are constantly monitoring me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe myself to not be human when authorities watch over me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to immediately victimize myself when/as authorities watch over me, out of the excuse that authorities only watch over me when they suspect me of something or do not trust me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to jump to the conclusions that I am untrustworthy and a criminal when/as authorities watch over me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to construct a specific personality mask as belief system to live for me when/as authorities watch over me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abdicate responsibility for myself when authorities watch over me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want/need/desire to have a personality mask act for me when authorities watch over me, because I fear them.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear facing myself within/as the context of who I am when being constantly watched over by authority.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to attempt to cope with the fear I have when authorities watch over me, by/through abdicating responsibility for myself to a belief system of knowledge/information that will act for me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the belief that there must be something wrong with me when/as an authority decides to watch over me, or keep an eye on me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself to be inherently flawed morally such that an authority has to watch over me to make sure that I do not harm.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abdicate responsibility for my actions to an authority when I fear authority watching over me.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see/realise/understand that when I fear authority watching over me, I am in fact fearing a part of myself as an experience/memory that I have attached to/towards authority watching over me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react in absolute anger and rage in a memory where my mother as my first authority did everything in her power to make me do what she wants, even at the expense of my own initial self comfortability.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame my mother for past moments where I become up more convoluted and more confused within/as myself when I gave up parts of myself as my participation to suit other’s wants/needs/desires of how they would like me to be/act.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react to/towards myself in absolute rage towards me as a child when in one moment, I realised that I lost something precious about my inner experience of myself, while doing everything I was told and becoming the good child that my mother demanded me to be.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hide and suppress my genuine concern for what I did to myself that made me lose an important part of my inner experience, out of the excuse that I have a life to lead and I cannot lead it by contemplating about what happened now; I will investigate myself later.

To be continued.