“I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wallow in regret as if I would like to punish me for not being able to get what I want and desire on my terms.”
The biggest regret I experience is when I don’t watch any more TV or anime, no more video games, and shift my preoccupation to what I could be doing working. It’s a regret within a big fear – to me at least – of not ‘finding my path’ as growing what I can do and finding a match with a job that I would like to do, with the people I would like to do it with. In a way, I fear money because what I can do defines how much money I receive, and I understand that the vast majority of my quality of life has to do with being in a financially stable position. The biggest punishment I have received is when I stop entertaining myself and face my fear.
“I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to engage in relationships on terms that is based in self interest and that time and time again fail to produce a result that is best for all parts of the relationship and that eventually always end in regret.”
The perfectionistic thinking is based in self interest and I simulate failure which brings about a knee-jerk reaction to want to entertain myself. Yet this is all just playing with ideas in my head, engaging in relationships in my head to words as themes bringing about my mood.
Here Bernard seems to be bringing to my attention that in a way, my life has always consisted of failures, all categorized by myself as the triumph of being selfish, self interest over what is best for all life. And the potential of what your life can be, and what common sense implies, while we immediately point out the sub-optimal behaviours of my life to within that, see what can be possible for me. Regret and failure is the foundation for success, if you will it.
But the ironic thing is I already ended in regret towards my entertainment addiction. I spent a vast majority of my time on it. Regret isn’t enough to change, to change needs to be specific. Specific enough that I understand the parts of the relationship and what is best for all parts of the relationship.
“I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fail to see that letting go is in fact the act of regret as it follows that which could have been directed breath by breath in ways that is best for all relationships, but because I submitted to my fears and desires for a controlled outcome within which I get what I want and thus I end up as the winner as per my definition as I created it in my imagination, I end up in regret when my imagination and visualization failed to materialize the way I want it to be and then I have to let go of my desire and accept failure. Thus letting go is so difficult as it implies my acceptance of failure as the mind and ego and my ego do not like to lose.”
Ping! Fears and desires for a controlled outcome within which I get what I want and thus I end up as the winner as per my definition as I created it in my imagination. Part of the solution to my entertainment addiction is to let go of my desire and accept failure. I need to accept losing as a part of life. I need to stop the obsession with winning.
“I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not stop the imaginary world in my mind that are not aligned to actual reality regardless of the multiple experiences I have encountered where things did not work out my way and forced me to regret and then to letting go so I can accumulate the will again to try again in getting my way, forcing my way, manipulating my way as I have convinced myself that my way as I visualize and imagine it is my birth right regardless and in spite of the evidence that with each human having this affliction, it means that it is impossible within the current context of agreed illusionary reality to come to a point where all can have what they want and desire.”
Clever caring Bernard. He’s taking regret to the point of self correction for you, by pointing out that actual reality is the things we decided to deny as that was the cause for our failure. He also gently reminds us that we are not the only ones obsessed with the point of personal achievement, my way, the Century of the Self. (tor**** it)
We are not alone, in spite of imagination/visualization/visceralization. And he’s making sure that I understand I cannot have everything I want because (this is important) everyone is obsessed with their way.
So what can I do to come to a point where all can have what they want and desire?
“I forgive myself that I refuse to realize that If I do the greatest easiest act in the real reality of the physical, I can in fact be part of a solution that will make it possible to fulfil my wants and desires as long as I allow others the same in fact and not just in the illusion of free choice which I have founded on the mind where I have as all others, an illusion within which I can imagine anything as if it is really possible when it is not. It is when I try to superimpose the imaginary reality on real reality that I lose my sanity and engage in actions that drives me to regret to remind me that the mind is not reality, but in spite of this constant reminder I keep on using letting go of the previous round of ego, to just do the same mistake again as I try to validate myself as ego, without realizing that the ego I created in the mind is Not a Real being, it is just Imagination feeding off the energy of the physical body and that it ends when the body return to its source.”
With words, Bernard is dispelling our conditioned assumption that best for all is a dilemma, and that by the same method we imprison, we may free: allowing others the same in fact means giving others the money to do so, and more importantly (because it’s the first step) understanding that free choice does not exist. Sobering, this verse.
“I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live as if I will never die, creating within my imaginary illusion the idea that the way it feels in the illusion is the real me when in fact the real me is the point of regret at the moment of death where I must let go for real for the first time as I lose that which I was able to abuse and manipulate in the name of my ego, my body and the ‘I’ I have allowed myself to become and in which image and likeness I created my reality come to a sudden end.”
I have a theory that everyone understands the point of death, but everyone puts it off for the reasons Bernard lists out. I feel like the real question Bernard is asking is, “What are you going to do about your ideas if they are CERTAIN to meet their end? Why even bother obsessing over your image, your name, your person, if it’s going to not even remain a little bit, it will just end.”
“Why attend to this imperfect version of you when you can be so much more by changing your common behaviours, beliefs, and habits?”
“Why are you not behaving as if your reality will come to an end?”
“I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to refuse to see that this world is a world of regret where I have let go of my responsibility through hiding in the illusion of my own making as the energy body as ego in my mind where I wait for death to escape the consequences I know is in every moment coming to me as a dark cloud I have called the devil and darkness just to motivate me to keep on running in circles in my mind to escape this inevitable regret, this what I know I must face as the evidence of this end is proven for all as death, yet I refuse to stop and consider that there is something so immensely wrong and screwed up as this world as my reality and my accepted nature as ego human, that my fear and anxiety grows daily as I keep on falling back to the ego through letting go of the previous failure of the ego, but I do not stop to bring an end to my suffering and fear or stop to bring an end to the suffering of those I have trapped in cycles of absolute desperation through the poverty I have imposed upon them in my search to imaginary excellence and happiness on my terms.”
The apathetic nature of positivity is revealed in my refusal to value the countless regrets people have shared with me over the course of my life. The illusion of my own making implies that I already understand my own illusion, that I may get to know it through forgiving myself for the misconceptions I have accumulated over the years.
Because of positivity, I have demonized the one thing that will shake me sober: consequence, accountability, responsibility. That I already understand the consequences of my actions which is how I may veritably spook myself regarding death being apparently a dark cloud, that my actions are God, my consequences the Devil.
There is something so immensely wrong and screwed up as this world as !my! reality and !my! accepted nature, the world has started with my mind, so I have a responsibility towards ensuring that the quality of my mind endorses all life in fact. The point of self responsibility and self commitment (which is like going into the demonic positive philosophy to find a seed of life waiting to be acted upon/sown).
“I do not stop” illustrates the utter simplicity of my ego, of solving it to recognize life, is to understand my own creation again and just from understanding clear enough, I have the responsibility then to stop what I have allowed to transpire in my secret mind.
Bernard hints that there is no choice in this matter of stopping my ego/ideas about myself and my world, that in a selfish sense (which I came from) to relieve myself of the mental burden/fear, or to relieve others of the same, the task is of the sort that requires action either way. To understand our own mind/imaginary excellence and happiness on my terms, or to justify self interest with self interest “I don’t agree”/”No”/”I don’t understand”.
In a way, understanding the mind includes understanding the how and why we devised to strive for our imaginary excellence and happiness.
“I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become a light so blinding that as I search for another, I search for the light that it may blind me so effectively that I can be sure to never let go of my desire for happiness regardless of the regret I have moments of from time to time.”
I can attest to what Bernard is referring to, the search for positive/feel-good in objects and relationships and money, served to blind me from the real feedback I was receiving from my world, that what I assume of the world is false.
The way I interpret this statement, it’s a warning of expecting all my troubles to be fulfilled by being with another person romantically. But I see that the worst has already happened: I blinded myself with shiny games and TV, “upgrading” my image in the eyes of others, searching for intellectual perfection for a virtual guarantee for money.