Day 58: “I Give UP!” Character

Also known as the hopeless character/”this is meaningless/boring” character

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that when I must repeat a procedure an innumerable amount of times, living is boring and meaningless.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, when finally being consistent in doing the daily activities required to be/become effective in my world and myself = fall into the belief of hopelessness.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing impatience to define who I am, wherein I exalt my impatience by/through participating in the Mind generated emotion of hopelessness.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing a past live memory moment where, in realising that I have been doing the same things over years = suddenly stop to indulge in the thought, “Is this all life is?”.

At the moment I am facing a memory of myself where, as a child, I realised that I have been living the exact same day of events day in and day out, that accumulated into two years of the same thing.  Then I reminisced about the past as a toddler when I was allowed to do anything I want and judged that to be freedom, which immediately made me dissatisfied and unhappy with my current position in the world.  The next event was me, getting out of the car to go to another extracurricular activity, where I just stopped walking by my mother’s side and said I had enough, I don’t want to do this anymore.  To which my mother was petrified in fear and then asked the question, “Well if not this, what are you doing?”  And I couldn’t find a single response within/as me, and then in thoughts/emotions/feelings I continued doing everything my mother instructed me to do; in part because I re-immersed myself in a neverending train of thought motivated by a question.

And yesterday, this question as a memory re-emerged to which I still don’t have an immediate answer to.

And for facing myself as this memory here, I have just witnessed myself waste an entire day – as I have before many times to know exactly what the consequences are – one moment at a time of “just one more moment of entertainment/activities for positive energy experience.”  I was just told off by my mother, with nothing I can say because I did not allow myself to live my own words.  I realised that anything I said then would not be effective because I was not effective with myself: so I remained silent because I did not place myself in a position to support my mother as me in another life out of the “I told you so” character.

It is useless to tell myself off now; all judgments are just another stimulating kind of excuse to delay facing myself; stopping my accepted and allowed automatic creation of/as the Mind requires me, REMAINING HERE to FACE MYSELF.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use the judgments of others, hidden as apparent advice, to judge myself, to yet again delay facing myself as what I need to do to walk the process of my life daily within/as consistency to bring about a world that is best for all.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give up and give into thoughts of wanting to stimulate myself in some way to avoid facing myself as the negative experience I created within/as myself through memory.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing a perfect picture presentation of myself to/towards myself and others to be valued MORE than what I actually accept and allow within/as myself as my daily living and others as my daily interaction with others.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to whine and complain to myself about facing myself as a negative emotional experience while remaining here within/as myself, when I participate in physical behaviour such as clenching my eyebrows, breathing heavily, and forcing my bodily movement as if I am pushing against an unknown resistance to move my body.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to whine and complain about facing a negative emotional experience that I ALONE have programmed into/as myself when I participate in the habit/pattern of giving up and giving into the thought that I am hopeless.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to impose knowledge/information onto my way of living such that I would place my attention on restricting myself from doing certain things within/as the ‘good intention’ to find a way to integrate myself into society to be/become great at some point in my life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to approach facing myself from the starting point of self interest, hidden in plain sight within/as the ‘good intention’ to integrate myself into this world, more importantly to ultimately exalt myself within/as imagining myself to climb onto the top of the world and be king/God of some sort in my area of expertise.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to delude myself further when within/as realising that I have failed in accumulating a specific outcome = I dig myself in a deeper hole by/through self judgment, comparison, competition, and self dishonesty as revealed when I was actually applying myself within/as self interest in fact.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the belief that it is acceptable to dream about being the best eventually within/throughout walking my life consistently and for long enough to end up on top, as I see/admire daily within/as my thoughts of the idea of what a perfect life is, and what a perfect person requires to possess that perfect idea of a perfect life; as shown/revealed when I give up because I am saying to myself that I am dissatisfied with the real consequences/feedback I have accumulated as myself, in which I can only be dissatisfied if I already had a predefined definition of the perfect consequences I wish/hope/desire to have/possess.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that commitment is something to avoid apparently because if I commit myself to something, I will be repeating doing that commitment for the rest of my life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react in fear when/as I realised that commitment means, in part, to live through the same activity, for the same period of time, daily for not one day, or even a week: but for YEARS that consists of thousands of days and an innumerable amount of moments to live through the same activity.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to whine/complain about the physical design of success, so to speak, within/as fulfilling objectives and goals as is requested by my world and my reality, out of the excuse that it will take ‘too long’ and repeating myself for so many times I will find myself as my experience of myself very boring, in spite that I have been repeating myself within/as patterns of living for as long as I can remember, and have eaten meals for even longer.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define good chances and opportunities where I imagine myself hanging over a cliff, either having the possibility of being wildy effective/successful, or fail miserably with one single mistake as represented by one wrong move while hanging on a cliff within/as my thoughts when I think about a good chance or opportunity.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the possibility of me carelessly moving in ways that I fuck up the good chances and opportunities that are given to me, such that I fear to the extreme of giving up as a way to let out the stress I have accumulated within/as fearing myself.

Self corrective statements to come…